One of the hardest things about dealing with this is feeling like there is nobody who understands what I am going through. I haven't told anybody, because I don't think I can handle anyone not being on my side ( I feel like other people will either judge me for being upset, or else are anti-LGBT in which case I don't want them on my side).

My husband especially doesn't understand what I'm going through, and our talks just go in circles. I'm not trying to convince him of anything, but I feel like it turns into a debate as a struggle to explain/justify my feelings.

I really appreciate this group of people who are going through the same things I am and who understand me as I struggle through.

I'm glad you came back. Do you have anyone in your circle that you trust? Honestly, it wasn't until I could speak about what I was going through out loud that I was able to start to heal and move forward.

What we are going through is a big deal - huge even. Far to big to try to deal with it on our own.

My spouse's company also offers mental health counseling through our insurance or an EAP (Employee Assistance Program is what I think it stands for) It varies, but I was able to get like 6 free sessions. My therapist was not well versed on LGBT matters, but it was still helpful, and she also did her homework between sessions and became more knowledgable as our sessions continued. Anyway, that may be an options as well.

ajk, I understand what you are saying about being anti-LGBT, but don't count all of them out. I do have friends who believe what my spouse has done is sinful and immoral. I have had to correct people when they have referred to my spouse as "it." And yes, those are not the people you want to confide in. However, I also have several Christian friends who do not agree with what my spouse has done, but they have been sensitive enough and compassionate enough to recognize that I do still love my spouse and have limited their concern and comments to how all this is affecting me and my children. They let me take the lead and they are just there to support ME, and I am forever grateful to have them in my life. I could not have gotten through the last 4 years without them. So, please don't count them out.

I wish you are peace.

There was more to this original post than is appearing here. Perhaps I deleted part or hit send too soon. Regardless...I’m having an especially hard time with all of this this week. Last week I asked my husband how he felt about the noticeable changes in his physical appearance. His hair is softer, his skin his softer and he has the perky boobs of a 16 year old girl. His answer was that he LOVED every part of it. He wants to tell our teenage daughters but we agreed to speak with a therapist first. I am desperate to do this right. Because the news that he wants to be more her than him will change their lives forever.
We also talked about my feelings of isolation in having no one in my life (besides all of you, naturally), who I can talk to and confide. I told him about my efforts to find support groups and there is everything for him and nothing for me. In his defense, he does recognize that this is hard for me too and it’s not all about him. And he did acknowledge that he didn’t handle this well. Ultimately, he gave me the green light to talk to a couple of agreed upon close friends. Which I’m grateful for.
But I’ve been crying a lot this week. I’m barely holding it together and I worry about my future. I waiver between wanting to be everything he might need me to be and wanting to plan for a future without him.
I know you all understand and many are walking the same path.

I have been there and I have been vacillating to the point of total and utter confusion. We are at a place where we are ok to work on remaining partners and respecting each other and our differences, but understand that we are not going to be sexually intimate. At least for the time being. He understands I am not a lesbian and understands that I am not sexually attracted to him. I am fortunate in that he understands and respects my need to refer to him as my husband , I use he given name and pronouns he and him. He is trying to allow and give me space to adjust and whatever. It has taken many evenings of crying and hurt feelings and therapy sessions to get here. It has been a couple years. As a matter of fact during a recent counseling session I came to the realization that I actually was in denial of his transgendered situation - weird as it is to say that. I knew what he told me, i read up on it, I experienced all the crap we all do, but somewhere deep inside I was just going through the motions of being supportive and understanding. I was in total denial of what was happening. When I finally accepted it I wanted out. He is fighting for our marriage so we decided to work diligently on remaining partners and accepting that we will not have a traditional marriage. He understands and has agreed to presenting as a male on formal dates - like to the theater and such. Out to dinner, shopping and such I am fine with him presenting as he wishes. Usually he is understated as a woman. He wears make-up, but no dresses or skirts. He wears women sandals, shorts, tops and such but keeps them close to androgynous. I am fortunate in this regard. He is however taking voice lessons, growing his hair longer, does the whole nail polish on his toes and clears on his fingers. He truly is more feminine than I am. I call that diva and high maintenance - but that's me.

All this to say, that this journey takes turns and twists and has so many ups and downs and confusions and all the emotions one can name. You need a therapist who can help you support and advocate for yourself, and to know what you can and can't do. Once you can identify your boundaries, it will remain up to your spouse if they can live within your boundaries.

Hang in there. There are some calm days coming. Take time for yourself, find someone who can validate you while also helping you to figure our and be comfortable with what you need.

Thank you 17whoaminow!
I’m feeling better today. Spent the whole day with my daughters. He was working and is now over at a friend’s. But the best part is that I found a therapist that I think is a good fit. We have an appointment on Wednesday. Fingers crossed it goes well. But I fully expect to need a drink afterwards.

My fingers are crossed for you with hugs coming your way as well.

awife, I was wondering if something happened to your original post.

Anyway, I am so glad you found a therapist, and I do hope s/he is a good fit. I am also glad to hear that you have some friends that you can talk to about all of this. I will be honest with you. My appointments with the therapist were good, but I really had a hard time opening up to her fully. She is, after all, a stranger to me, so it was much easier for me to open up to a couple of good, close friends.

And about your girls, teens are amazingly resilient. I think my girls have actually handled this much better than I have. There have been a few rough moments, but we have managed to get through them. Open and honest communication is the key.

I wish you peace.