Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I've been with my husband for ten years. We've been married for 4. We both suffered from highly abusive childhoods and he's only coming to terms with his identity and gender now at 33. I'm very supportive of him in his quest of self-discovery and I love the person that he's evolving into. However, it's still really scary and stressful.
I feel a lot of sadness about his negative relationship to masculinity. Certainly, he has many valid reasons. But his boy-self is the person I knew and fell for. Right now, in 2017, he is not fully certain of his gender identity and he says that he doesn't feel femme and that perhaps nonbinary works more for him. But to be quite honest, I think he's in denial.
Everything he does lately is a rejection of masculinity. I get that. I'm a very strong feminist, many would call me a social justice warrior. I'm bisexual. Patriarchy is toxic as is gender essentialism. He's fighting a lot of battles I've personally gone through already. Somewhat different perspective, but relatable. Being told femininity is weak or that crying is pathetic. Pink and purple are only for girls. Wearing make up or nail polish make you gay, etc. etc. ad nauseum.
My baggage lies partially in appearance--I love his boy face and boy body. I find his hairy body sexy. I love his beard. I love the way he makes me feel when he kisses me and tickles my neck with his beard. I love falling asleep with my face on his tickly chest hair.
I wish that he could switch back and forth, because I like his girl-self too! She's pretty and we like the same leggings. She loves nail polish and taking bubble baths and shopping. Which is something that he always hated--I guess because he hated mens clothing.
I'm not even against him going on hormones. I just wish that there was some way that I could have both of them. I feel like I'm never going to see my guy with the satanic beard again if he fully transitions.
My brother died a few years ago and I look at pictures of my husband now the way I look at old photos of my brother. I wish he could just be a boy who likes girls clothes. I love doing his hair and makeup. I just...........I feel insane for wanting him/her to be a girl but keep her beard. What is with me and this beard????? Am I more in love with his beard than him??
I'm sad because when I look at old photos it's really noticeable that he doesn't smile very much. When I think about our whole wedding it just feels wrong and fake. I love him and I want to be with him. I want our photos to be happy. I want to not feel guilty for loving pictures of his boy-self. I don't want him to hate his face or his body or feel dysphoria. It's horrible.
I want to not be worried that I won't be as attracted to him if he really changes his appearance this much. If he has plastic surgery.
I miss him and I see him every day. But the person I see now is really confused and unhappy and that makes me SO sad.
*He's seeing a gender therapist and we're both seeing psychiatrists for depression/anxiety. We can't both afford therapy atm.
I'm not sure if you are checking the post anymore but I can relate to many of the things you wrote here. My husband told me he is transgender a month ago. Life has take a full 360 turn. I'm so so lost but I do relate to what you said. I love my husband's beard too. I also love his chest hair. It hurts to know that he hates all of this. It hurts to know that he does not like his face or body while I just simply adore him. He has always hated his pictures. I wish our spouses were not going through this. No one should have to go through it
I can also relate to so much of this. My spouse is in transition and pronouns are confusing for me lately, so sorry for any confusion in my description of my experience. On one hand, I want my wife (mtf trans) to be happy. I know that she's still the same person she was before; that she just looks different. But there's still that loss of *him*... There is definitely a mourning process and I'm still firmly in it. I think it's normal to feel sad that your life is changing in a big way when you didn't have a part in making the decision to make that change. Because what are we going to do, forbid it? Yeah right. On so many levels, yeah right. There are times when I feel like I have no control over our lives anymore... like I either get on board or leave. But each time I choose to stay and figure out how to make things work. I didn't marry his penis, I married the person because I love and respect him/her. This process is so confusing and scary. I want to be happy that my wife is becoming who she is, and I am, but I'm also incredibly sad that I will no longer have a husband. I think what you're going through is completely normal.
I urge you to be honest about your feelings with your husband. It's been important in my marriage that my wife knows that I support her transition, even if I'm uncomfortable and sad about it sometimes. It's important for both partners to have support from the other, because the transition process is incredibly difficult for both of us.
*hugs* because I know the struggle.