Well, I am mostly out. I say mostly because we are still married, and as of now, we have no intention of divorcing. However, that is because staying married makes more sense because his job provides benefits like health insurance, etc. We live separate lives though and are down to speaking on the phone about once a week.

Before I asked him to leave, I did many of the same things you are doing. My kids are 16 and 13, so my main focus was making sure I could care for them. I felt he would do right by us, but my worry was that I was learning that the man I thought I knew didn't actually exist. I couldn't be sure how he would react. I opened a bank account that he does not know about, and I have been funneling funds into it from our joint account. My support team has also helped me do this. For example, if we were all out and they were paying cash, I would pay the bill with my credit card and they would give me cash. If I was buying tickets for an event or field trip. I would over pay them with a check from the joint account and they would then give me cash or write a check back to me for the difference. All of that went into my safety net account. I also started teaching in our homeschool co-op. These don't add up to a lot, but I do have enough to keep us afloat should things turn bad until the court system can step in. I also spoke to an attorney in order to better understand the laws in my state and what my rights are.

I kept setting a date for asking him to leave. However, I always seemed to find an excuse not to. Finally, one day when he showed up to lunch with the girls and I wearing boobs, jewelry, women's jeans and shoes, and a purse I knew it was time. There really was no discussion. He travels for a living and was about to leave on a trip. I told him to be safe and have a good trip, but after that I wanted him to move out.This was not what I had signed up for and I just couldn't do it anymore. He said he understood and he left for work. He came back 3 or 4 days later. He stayed here a couple of days because our condo (which is where he now lives) was being tented. On the day he left, I told him that I didn't hate him but that I don't want to be married to a woman. I told him that him "becoming who he really is" means that I have to become someone that I am not. He said, again, that he understood.

I had spent months dreading that moment, but I shouldn't have. It wasn't bad. There wasn't a scene, and it was the start of a new life for both of us. We remain amicable and so far anyway, he is doing right by us. However, he still doesn't know about my safety net account, and I continue to add to it when I can.

Don't let him manipulate you and know that is what he is doing. My health has suffered quite a bit during this whole ordeal. My husband has been out of the house now almost 6 months, and I still haven't regained my health. Even living in different households, this situation has been stressful. When he changed his name without telling us. When he changed info on our primary bank accounts and credit cards without telling me and my cards started getting denied because I was putting in the wrong zip code. When he lost his license and could no longer work. (He is eating up all his sick time now because he can't work until his license gets reissued with his new, legal name.) All of these are still stressful, but I know it would be infinitely worse if I was also having to deal with him living in the house.

You can do this, and you will be better off for it. We are here for you.

:) Lynn

Herstory,

This is the second response I have tried to write to your post. It is so difficult to put what I want to say to you into words. My backstory is on here, if you need the background, so no need to rehash all of that. I will tell you some of the things I wish someone would have said to me when I was first considering that I might have to leave.

Value yourself enough to fight for yourself. Your opinions and feelings make you YOU. If you are being told that you should not be feeling how you feel, then you are being disrespected.

You seem to have so much empathy for your husband...but does he have empathy for you? Does he (or resources that you may go to for help) tell you that how you feel is wrong? Are your feelings dismissed as shallow? Prejudiced? Immature? Uncompromising? Would you ever tell your husband that his feelings were wrong? Often, we are so focused on sparing our loved ones pain, that we don't realize that they are not returning our courtesy. They play the injured party so well...but are we the ones who put them in this position? Don't let him turn this around so that YOU are the one injuring HIM.

I felt absolutely trapped by my situation, No job, young kids, failing health, no money, isolated by suicide threats, blamed for all that was wrong in our marriage (after all, if I would just accept everything he decided he wanted, our marriage would be great...for HIM! I would have needed a mental institution if I had stayed.

Check out emotional abuse, gaslighting, isolation, blame, guilting, You ask what our conversations were like. He felt free to lie or distort reality, he would become so angry that I couldn't be who he wanted me to be. he would rewrite history until I though I was going insane. Easy to do in isolation. You need support and understanding from people in your corner. I needed to cut off all contact with him unless it was kid-related because he was relentless when it came to getting his way. I am an intelligent person, but I did not see the abuse until I was away from it for years. .

The suicide thing...this is psychological abuse. Next time he mentions it, get him some help. Call 911. Explain his threats to the proper authorities and make sure they follow up. Tell him you will do this if he starts hinting around. I was kept silent for years by this tactic...and that is what it was - a strategy to get what he wanted, regardless of the pain and stress that it caused me. It is not your job to tiptoe through your own life to keep another adult alive.

Herstory, stay strong. You can do this. There is a whole new life waiting for you. I will never regret getting out of that insanity. It can eat you alive. I will check back more often.

Wishing you the best,

Shelly

Shelly and 1NewStart,

I can't thank you enough for your thoughtful responses to my post. Putting it out there to my support system has helped and the conversation has begun. The lesson: Ask for help.

We have decided to split. Still haven't completely decided on divorce or legal separation. We are hiring a mediator, and getting ready to do a quick claim on our house so I can become the sole owner. We seem to be in agreement about most of the other debts and assets. So as long as we have the appointment with the mediator set by the end of the week I will feel like there was forward motion. I am anxious to get our major agreements down legally on paper. It is amicable at the moment.

In any event, we are going to start separating accounts. (I have had a bank account that has been in my name only for the entire marriage. An ounce of prevention at least. I have done some squirreling of gift cards and cash. I am working to protect myself financially as best I can.

I know I need him out, there is no turning back. I will not live this way anymore.

Shelly, I don't think I have had to put up with the level of psychological abuse it appears you have. I say that since I am still in the middle of this thing. When I am out and have a clearer view of all of his behavior and what it has cost me emotionally, I may see things very differently. He has extreme mood changes, has not mentioned suicide again, but the mood swings and depressive patterns remain similar. My husband has always done what ever the hell he wanted when he wanted when it has come to his sexual activities or gender confusion. His "urges" taking priority over everything else.

Sometimes he will act very upset at how he has treated me and how much pain I am in. I don't buy it though. It seems like it is another way to punish himself, which he seems to enjoy doing.

He refuses to see a mental health care professional of any kind and refuses antidepressants when he MD tries to prescribe them. He finally found a support group with other people who have gender confusion. Hopefully this will help him. I'm not holding my breath.

I am doing my best to be selfish right now and staying close to the people who will build up my confidence. My emotions are running very high. I'm on the fragile side. I weep. My tummy is constantly full of butterflies and I am not eating a lot. I'm struggling. I just want it over and him out.

I have to agree about avoiding isolation. I am trying to keep busy and avoid being alone.

So, thank you ladies from the bottom of my soul.. You have helped much more than you know.

Herstory

Hi.
I too have written my story on this site, so please look at my threads if you can.
As far as your bank account...I don't know what state you live in or what the divorce laws are there, but here in NJ everything is on the table, even hidden accounts. When I was preparing to leave I rented a safe deposit box from a totally different bank. Everything I stashed was in cash...no paper trail. I Would advise doing that. Also, every time I went to Shop Rite to buy groceries for the family I would also purchase a gift card. Toss out your receipt...he will only see the total. This is very important if you have children that will need child support. It took almost six months for the state to do the paperwork...I still had the gift cards to feed my kids.
Suicide...yes it is emotional abuse but it is also real. The majority of men either move away and disappear or they kill themselves. The statics may be changing because it is now politically correct to transgender, but it is still a real threat. But with that said...it is not your responsibility to assure he stays alive. You've already done that by staying with him for the kids sake and his. It is now you turn. My ex is fully transgendered and still alone and still miserable and almost bankrupt. He could off himself at anytime. But it is no longer my concern. I know that sounds harsh, but I spent 20 years in a miserable marriage with a liar. And they lie about everything not just their sexual preferences. They are very good at lying...have done it since puberty, when most men start to question their sexuality.
Your health must be your first priority since you have children. At some point, he will not be a part of their lives either physically or financially depending on how they receive him. Take care of yourself and get back on track physically.
I don't speak to my ex. We text only and that is rare. Last spring my 15 year old was experimenting with pot and I was so upset and scared about his emotional health that I called my ex and spoke to him for the first time in years. The sound of his voice brought everything back...all the anger and disgust. But the important part of the experience was his complete inability to deal with my son's issues because he was so wrapped up in his own. He ended up siding with my son and believing my son's lies because my ex needed to have a relationship with his son at any cost. I am alone in raising my children and will forever be alone in their emotional health.
Don't ever feel guilty and don't allow anyone to tell you how you should feel or react. I have cut people out of my life who have tried to convince me to be sympathetic to him and his cause. No one knows what you have endured and no one should tell you how to deal. You need people around you to support you and believe me there are a lot of people out there who will. Especially those who love your children. They will hate him for what he has and will put your kids through for the rest of their lives. Seek only those who make you feel good about your decision.
That's all for now.
Keep in touch.
Reggie

Separation Update:

It is amazing what happens when you finally make a decision and ask for help! I have increased my circle of friends who are in the know about my situation. The love and support and good advice I have received from these friends has overwhelmed and comforted me immensely. I feel more confident and in control of my life than I have in years.

My husband has also welcomed the idea of separating and living life on his own and exploring his gender identity freely. I don't think he is nearly as ready for this separation as I am. I have been wanting out from under his issues for years, and probably understand the financial and emotional consequences of divorce and separation better than he does. I also have a growing support system and he has almost none.

Today was mediation day. I have had a lot of anxiety and have been on an emotional roller coaster in anticipation for this day.

Of course my husband turned up in what I call half drag. Some makeup, nail polish, shaved body, women's shoes and sweater and a purse. Not bad to have a reminder of what I am putting behind me. Since he has been on good behavior and we've been getting along better lately. It is only a matter of time until the dark moods overtake him again.

Over the last few weeks we have negotiated amicably with each other about our settlement. Who gets what and who pays for what. We studied up on what to have prepared to bring to mediation and were ready to get things done. Even though we are in a community property state, if you can agree on settlement terms without the court making the decisions, you do not have to split everything 50-50. Thank goodness my husband was willing to negotiate with me. We found terms that will allow both of us to live OK on our own. I come out much better through mediation than if we had to both get lawyers. And we are saving $$$ We were able to get a mountain of paperwork done today.

We have chosen to legally separate rather than divorce. Most people who do this, do it for religious reasons, we are doing it so I can stay on his health plan. Every other part is like a divorce. We will not be responsible for each other's debt, and are separate in every way except we would not be able to remarry. At our age marrying again isn't something on the horizon. And should one of us want to, going for a divorce would be simple.

So huge sighs of relief here. Terms are on paper, those papers have to wind their way through the legal process. I am almost out.

As I see the light at the end of my tunnel, i encourage those of you who are in pain and confused to seek the support of a friend, a family member, a therapist, a coworker. SOMEONE. You'll be surprised. Ask for help!

I am so grateful for this group, and for all of you who have shared your experiences, confusion, fears, journeys and wisdom here. You have all helped me. Thank you.

Thank you for the update. I can hear the lightness and relief in your post.

My girlfriends have been AMAZING!!!! There is no way I could have made it through this without them. So, yes, I encourage all of you to seek that support. I have a few friends that I knew I could trust with this, (I also have some dear friends that I knew I could not trust with this.) and they have been invaluable -- even telling me when I was at a point that I needed to speak to a professional.

We, too, are still married but living separately, and we are still married primarily because of health insurance. Unfortunately, our state does not recognize a " separation," so either of us could clear out the bank accounts, etc. That is why I have a separate account that I am steadily building. If things turn nasty, it'll keep us afloat for a few months. It would also be considered joint property in a divorce, but he has no access to it. Of course, his accounts, which are much larger than mine, would also count as joint property, so I don't think he will rock that boat.

I was also a bit worried that my husband would be lonely in his new life, and it would seem that I was wrong. He actually seems much happier and has quickly found friends to support him.

My kids (girls 16 and 13) also seem happier. They miss their dad, but they are laughing more now and talking to each other and me more. They aren't hiding away all day in their bedrooms like they were before. All in all, it has been good for all of us.

Of course, there are still those moments when something hits me out of the blue, but I am dealing with those as they come up.

Good luck to you as you begin this new chapter of your life. Think about it.... you can set your sights on anything. If you decide you don't like it, you can change course. Pretty exciting stuff.

:) Lynn