Rambominger, my feelings go out to you. I have not had that experience but have to say, everything I learning leads me to a person who is selfish and doesn’t have the ability to have empathy for their partners. Maybe someone who protests so much about something, such as males, really deep down is afraid of their own feelings? Hope this group helps you and provides you with support and gives you knowledge and insight into behaviors we can’t grasp.

I wrote something longer, but it got cut off...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree that your partner seems incredibly selfish and completely non empathetic towards you. Especially after you have stood by and supported them through so much.

Do you feel that an obsession with masculinity is part of the new sexual orientation?

I am in the beginning stages of this. My partner told me she is trans and considering T and top surgery. We are at a standstill right now, but I am seeing an obsession with masculinity that really bothers me. Scared about the future...

Many, many years ago my spouse worked briefly with a trans woman. In talking about her, I heard my spouse spew some of the most vile words I have ever heard him (him because she was living fully as a male at that time) utter. My spouse was almost as negative towards homosexuals.

Now fast forward about 15-20 years, and my soon to be ex-spouse is living fully as a woman and flirting with men.

How do you get over the hurt? You need to focus on you. For me, it also means as little contact as possible. She is a trigger for me. I will be fine and I will get a call or text from her, and suddenly I am stressed and unable to focus, etc.

I have moved on, and I am slowly healing and regaining my joy.

Pip,

To answer your question about obsession with masculinity. I'm not sure. I wish I knew. I definitely think that's a part of it and that's how it started off. He would say "I just want to dress like them or look like them". I noticed him always checking them out, but as he became more withdrawn and shut down with me sexually and intimately, he finally told me he's only attracted to men now. I asked if it was the hormones causing this and if it was permanent for him and he replied "I'm pretty sure it's the hormones and yes, I think it's permanent". I've read the statistics that say something like 65% of trans men experience orientation shifts after starting T and it's usually near the 1 year mark (which was where he was when he told me). A trans guy friend of mine also had this happen, but he went back to women a few years later and now considers himself pansexual. It's all been very confusing and heartbreaking, but to reply to 1newstart: That's what I've been doing the last few weeks. We broke up back in February, a day before Valentine's Day. I moved out the end of April and we went no contact in May. I'm just now starting to feel like I'm getting myself back. I didn't realize how much his world consumed me and took so many parts of me and mine away. I'm slowly moving on as well, but yes, every time I see his name, I get extremely triggered. Hopefully time heals that too. Maybe your ex's hatefulness toward the trans woman and gay people were his own internal biases. My ex used to judge trans people as well. He was always an activist for the LGBTQAI+ community, but he'd still say judgmental things at times. I think it was just because he was so afraid of being trans himself.

rambominger,

Thanks so much for your response.

It’s so scary and confusing to be suddenly thrown into this new reality, so much is unknown...

I’m so happy to hear that you are moving forward with your life, and taking time to focus on yourself. Take good care of yourself. You deserve someone who is able to give as much to you, as you give to them.

-pip

I'm so sorry this has happened rambominger. As I've looked back at this past year, my partner has been all over the place as well. I think the best we can do is realize that it's probably best for both parties to separate. They need space to explore themselves and we need some stability in ourselves. It's ok to want that. It's not your fault.

Thank you, Cora. So have you and your partner separated yet or are you just discussing that option? If you have separated, do you still talk to them? I've had to go no contact because it's too triggering and hurtful for me at this time. In what ways was your partner all over the place? (if you don't mind sharing) Was it orientation stuff as well or other things too?

Pip, Thank you for your thoughtful response. Please continue to reach out for support when needed. I know what a scary and confusing journey this is and there's so much unknown. Know you aren't alone and please take care of yourself as much as you do your partner.