Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
So, about a month ago, I was out running errands with my girls. We were running late and were planning on having dinner out, so my husband told us he would meet us at the restaurant. He was then going to leave early the next morning on a business trip. Anyway, he shows up at the restaurant wearing women's jeans and shoes, fake breasts, and carrying a purse. No warning or anything. Now.... people can be mean, and fortunately, nobody said anything to him (or us). However, I could not believe he did that. Our girls are 15 and 13, and I know they would have been devastated if they had heard giggles or rude remarks. I mean being a young teen girl is hard enough as it is. They don't need their dad adding to their young teen angst. Anyway, after we got home, I told him I wanted him to move out. He did come back for a couple of days after his trip because our condo which he was going to move into was being tented. When he could though, he moved. We have been on our own for 3 weeks, and things are going surprisingly well. He has come back one day to visit, but that has been it. Now, we are used to him being gone, but not this long. I keep thinking it will hit us that he is gone, but so far it hasn't.
One thing that I find interesting...... Many of us have said that we feel as if our husbands have died. When my husband moved out, he took all "her" things and left his stuff. I thought he would take them when he left after his visit, but he didn't. Now, I am left to pack it up and put it away -- just as if he had passed away.
I will say, too, that, as of right now anyway, he is doing right by us. I think he sees this as a temporary split, so he is paying all the bills and still depositing his check into our joint account, etc. I think he will continue to do so as long as he feels we could possibly get back together. He sees this as something he is "trying out," and he tells me that he is not transitioning but that he feels he needs to do this in order to see if he needs to transition. I think he is lying to himself. He is transitioning. He has pierced his ears, and he will be marking our 20th anniversary in a week or so by going to an endocrinologist to see about starting female hormones. But nooooo ....... he's not transitioning.
Lynn
One thing that I find interesting...... Many of us have said that we feel as if our husbands have died. When my husband moved out, he took all "her" things and left his stuff. I thought he would take them when he left after his visit, but he didn't. Now, I am left to pack it up and put it away -- just as if he had passed away.
I will say, too, that, as of right now anyway, he is doing right by us. I think he sees this as a temporary split, so he is paying all the bills and still depositing his check into our joint account, etc. I think he will continue to do so as long as he feels we could possibly get back together. He sees this as something he is "trying out," and he tells me that he is not transitioning but that he feels he needs to do this in order to see if he needs to transition. I think he is lying to himself. He is transitioning. He has pierced his ears, and he will be marking our 20th anniversary in a week or so by going to an endocrinologist to see about starting female hormones. But nooooo ....... he's not transitioning.
Lynn
It sounds as if you are handling your situation pretty well...probably better than I would have. I hope your husband will continue to be financially supportive.
But I think I would go see a lawyer before transition costs begin to pile up...
I'm Alison and my husband told me last spring that he believed he was gender dysphoric. We have been together 11 years and married for 8 of those so nowhere near as long as you (and no children). I went through what I can only describe, after the fact, as a grieving process - sadness, anger, guilt (is it my fault?) for a few months - but I realised that if this was going to make the person I love happy then I can be happy about it too.
BUT my spouse has approached it at a much slower pace than your husband seems to be doing. She did a lot of research, borrowed a few of my skirts (and tights!) but never goes out in public in anything but "boy mode".
She went to see a leading consultant in the UK this spring - has been diagnosed as gender dysphoric and will, all things being equal, start hormone therapy this autumn. She is fully prepared for the process to take a good couple of years or more and doesn't want to rush it.
It worries me that your husband sees this as something he is just "trying out" - has he been to see a recognised consultant and / or had counselling? If not I would strongly advise that, if you feel able to discuss the subject with him, you try to suggest this - for all your sakes.
Hope you don't mind me butting in but I know how difficult it was for me to deal with my situation initially and I don't know what I'd have done if Evie had just rushed into it willynilly without following the guidelines. Obviously I don't know your history so if he's already done all this do please just ignore me!
Alison
Alison, my husband has been in counseling for quite some time, and I am fairly positive he is on the counselor's schedule. After each visit, he takes things a little farther, so I feel certain he is acting on her counsel. Also, he has been doing this for 40 years -- long before I knew him, so I don't think he has been moving quickly. he has done it for quite a number of years behind my back. He only came out to me when he decided he wanted to meld the 2 lives he had been living. I know others on this board have spouses that have moved at a much quicker pace. Regardless, he is going to do what he wants and when he feels it is right.
He came out to me 1 year ago today, and it has been a horrific year. I have been so stressed that my health has declined. I, too, went through the grieving process --denial, compromise, anger, depression, and finally acceptance. It was only when I came to a place of acceptance that I asked him to leave. I accept him and the situation he has put us on, and I also had to accept that I could not continue to live with him.
Lynn
My advice to anyone who is listening, get out as soon as you possibly can, don't walk but put on your running shoes and get as far away from that person as you can, and don't let him/her back in. They are like energy leaches taking all they can get.