I am very close to you in age, years with husband, kids, etc. and I feel everything you are saying. I am a little earlier than you in discovery/transition phase. I found out about a year and a half ago and it has been moving very slowly since, but mostly, I think because of other issues we are working out.

This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I am lost. I have no answers. I just wanted to say that you're not alone.

The short answer... Yes, you absolutely can love someone so much that you will fight for them, defend them, stand by them through thick and thin and not be in love with them. I can think of a number of people I would do that for.

That said..... I do get where you are coming from. My spouse and I met and started dating 26 years ago. We have 2 teens who on on the verge of adulthood, but I am a little older than you (early 50s). I married and had kids a little later than most. My spouse came out to me just over 4 years ago, and we have been separated for about 3 years now, so we haven't been together the whole time.

In your post, you mention that the kids still need you and also that you feel as if your husband still needs you too. You never... not once ... mention what YOU need though. Just don't forget that your needs are just as important as the needs of those around you.

I wish you peace.

I am in the same boat.

Gallinarosa- Thank you...it means more than you know to me to have a place to openly discuss this, and knowing I am not alone...
1newstart-- thank you, and you are absolutely right...I do need to figure out what I need but its hard... when I ask myself the question "who are you" ...the answer always is the same: I am a daughter, a wife and a mother.....but somehow i think there has to be more than that...just don't know how to find it..

thank you all for your support! xoxo

My therapist asked me what my needs were and I couldn't answer. I really have no idea. This is something I am supposed to be working on figuring out. All my life, my needs were just taking care of everyone else's needs. And yes, the "who am I?" has thrown me for a loop. I thought I knew. I used to know but over the years, that person faded away because of life and a dysfunctional relationship. I have to go find her again, I guess.

I am the same way. I found those questions, along with "What do you want?", to be extremely hard to answer. I had completely lost myself to my spouse and my kids. Their needs were my needs. I adopted their dreams and desires as my own and worked tirelessly to make them happen. However, I had no clue what MY passions were/are. Rediscovering who I am has been a long, hard road, but oh so worth it.

firewalker, it sounds like you've been amazing throughout this whole process and honestly, whatever you decide to do, it sounds like you will be continue to be amazing. I often tell others that you can continue to support your spouse even if you are not together romantically. For example, you don't have to be married to go to doctor appointments.

I don't know what to do either. Any decision seems so final, so I totally feel you. Just be kind to yourself and take your time. *hugs*

Thank you all so much for the kind words!! it's true that we all need to take time for ourselves and figure out who we are without our husbands and family....we need to figure out what will make us happy in this life....sounds so simple, yet it it seems to be the hardest thing to do.

I am not even sure where to start honestly, I know that I do however need to stop feeling the guilt usually associated when i'm doing things just for me...

Someone recently told me something which made 100% sense, and yet I have a hard time doing it....crazy right...
They said we need to look at things differently, it is like when you are on an airplane and they tell you that "must put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs" .
I need to apply the same reasoning to my life....it is sooo hard but i have decided that I have to do this, for me......l hope we can all strive to do this....take care and thanks again! xoxo

Firewalker42- first let me say that nearly everything in your original post I could easily have written myself. My husband and I have been married 23 years and have two teenagers. Mine started on hormones without telling me. (That’s a story for another post). But I am where you are. Confused and doing my best to hold it together and figure out what the right path forward is. I’ve been away from this group for a while but I feel drastic changes coming for me and I feel like i need to be here with all of you. Know that we are all here for you, too. We feel what you feel. You are not alone.

I feel like I’m looking at myself when I read these posts. I too am just trying to hold it together, and there’s so many times it seems like I’m just about to lose it. My spouse is just busting to move forward, and upped his dose without telling me. I knew something was up, and I got him to admit to it. He denied it at first. I’m not too sure how much more I can take of this. I don’t know how I’m suppose to figure out how to deal with this if I don’t know what I’m dealing with.

I think it’s hard when you’re together for a long time (31 years for us) and have created this world where you’re so entwined with each other and your kids (ours are late teens/early 20’s), it’s hard to put your focus on yourself. It’s difficult to let go of that vision and expectations that have been built up over so many incredible years. I’m trying now to do that now and I too feel some changes are coming. Thanks everyone for chiming in, it’s comforting to know that others feel the same way.

Friends, ... I share all the same feelings and struggles. Some of us started early, some later. The common thread is that we have put others before ourselves, because that is what women, mothers, friends, spouses, etc do. But, in that journey we lose sight of who we really are, what we really want, what our goals and dreams and such are outside or independent others. We define ourselves by others - we need to be able to define ourselves for ourselves - by ourselves. We are not only dealing with the personal crisis in our spouses lives, but our very futures are changing at a time when the nests will soon be empty, when we have given up careers and our retirement years are looming in front us. This is not just a gender issue. We are facing financial changes, relationship changes, security and personal identity changes. Please don't short change yourselves.

We absolutely MUST put the spotlight on ourselves and see what we need, want, and fear. We need to have a place (counselor or brilliant friend) where we can be validated, where we can receive help and guidance us toward reconnecting with our own true selves. We are spending so much time and energy focusing on them and their struggle that we don't have the time and energy to give to ourselves.

We can't help anyone else if we are not on our game. That doesn't mean be selfish or mean, that means to put yourself and your needs on the list of priorities.

I feel like we need to own our lives and our choices and they need to own theirs. We are not responsible for their sadness and hurt just as they really are not responsible for ours. We have a choice in how we handle this, we ALL have a choice, but we put everyone else's needs and feelings before our own. Identitfy what each of us wants and needs, then see if our spouses can live with what our needs and wants are. If they can't live with what is necessary and or important to us, then they need to own responsibility in the struggle and stop blaming EVERyTHING on science, and biology and that this is happening TO them. We all have choices, some are harder than others. Why are we making all the decisions and responsible for all the choices and then ultimately all the responsibility.

Ladies we need to know ourselves, like ourselves and take care of ourselves. What would you tell your daughter? What would you tell your best friend? What would you tell your sister? Let's love and care about ourselves and stop taking responsibility for everyone and everything.

Hugs and affirmations to you all.