While I have experienced this in my marriage, unless my husband wants to get help there is nothing more I can do. I have told him I am not his shrink and therefore not qualified to deal with this as I am dealing with my own challenges. I wish I could be more helpful, but wanted you to know you are not alone

"I sometimes feel like a companion and social worker rather than a partner in a loving relationship. " AMEN! I understand this sentence so much and it felt like you were speaking to my soul.

Is your spouse seeing a therapist? A support group? Are they presenting at all or plan too?

Sending lots of love and hugs. My spouse's dysphoria lessons when he is active in his support group and gets to be his authentic self. Being that he is not out yet to family and friends these "good" moments for him are few and I deal with the anger and dysphoria a lot.

Thanks for the support @Ldmessing and @19yearsandcounting!

Yeah, I give lots of emotional support. I feel like it would not be so bad if it had not already supported her though a major depression and a drinking problem.. but i was already burned out before she came out. I wonder if that too is a shared experience, since repressing all that does take a tole on people.

My partner's good moments are few as well. They are wonderful though, which is why I am 100% behind her transition.

She is seeing a support group and after 6 months of my nagging finally agreed to see a therapist on her own. She plan to present female, but is barely starting and seems defeated before even beginning.

My spouse immediately started therapy when he was outted. I appreciated this a lot as I knew there were many things to work through and fix before we could even address how being trans was going to affect our relationship. I was very positive for a long time. But I think I set my expectations too high and the progress in therapy has slowed to a near-glacial crawl. My spouse has his own unhealthy ways of dealing which are not drinking and depression, but still equally damaging to him and to us. The therapist told me not to hold my breath, that it was going to be awhile, so I have been struggling with the waiting game. Like you, I felt already burned out when I found out he was trans. My therapist is now just focusing on what *I* can do to keep *myself* healthy. She thinks I use far too much energy on my spouse and then I have nothing left for me.

She specializes in gender issues and I am so glad to have her as she does not tend to favor one position over the other.

Dra, I wish you and your partner well. That is not something I have had to deal with much in my situation. It seemed to surface later in transition - after we were already separated.

It sounds like you would be ok with a slow transition, but what it sounds like is that instead of your partner becoming happier with each step, they are becoming more anxious and depressed.

I'm not sure what to say, but I do think if your partner can't be there for you, even during this slow transition, then maybe it's best to move on. I often think about whether or not my needs are being met in my relationship and this helps me to work out whether or not I want to stay.

From what my spouse shared with me, in the beginning all the change, while small steps, felt huge to him and he thought he could live that way forever. After a few months the dysphoria and depression come back strong and it takes more to feel good again. The fear and shame also cause backsliding, which hinders progress and causes depression. And even when he is totally done up and going out as herself, he feels he isn't "passable" as a "real" woman (all of this is said with the utmost respect because I know he is a real woman) and that brings about a lot of the dysphoria as well.

@gallinarosa I too have been seeing a therapist who told me the same thing - take care of myself and stop being their support worker. I have been working on this and have felt much and much better as a result, but there are times when it still all gets too me.

@19yearsandcounting that is really helpful. I never realised that, but now that you mention it, it all seems so obvious! It all seemed random, but looking back I realise that a big step is always followed by a period of dysphoria which then prompts the next step. Having a bit of awareness into what is happening helps. Thank you !

I can't even tell you how reading all your responses is getting me through my day to day. Its like I found this secret community of everyone who gets how angry I am. How completely frustrating this all is. I feel like I can relate to this group so much I just wish there was an in person support group I feel like we would spend the first hour just screaming out loud lol

@Scrollkeyhp I feel the same 100%!!! Thank you everyone!!!

Let's do a scream therapy session together!!