As you know, my partner started 5 weeks ago with patches - low dose, as in the UK it always starts with low dose. I have the same worries - that the hormone will increase the desire to be full-time female/socially transition and have surgery. Early days, and so far that isn't happening, but as he's not speaking about his feelings at the moment, I don't really know. All I know is that this feeling of fear is not subsiding.
And yes, high dose doesn't mean things happening more, or quicker, in fact it can have the opposite effect and start producing testosterone.
Good luck, and I'm always here for you xxx

that the hormone will increase the desire to be full-time female/socially transition and have surgery.

this is currently my biggest fear.

From what I have seen with my spouse the more he takes small steps the more he wants the bigger ones. I am ok with the hormones and top surgery. I am ok being seen by the world as a lesbian, but I'm not one so bottom surgery is a hard one for me. I have a feeling once he comes out to family and society bottom surgery will eventually become more pressing for him.

Having said that I have told him that hormones are off the table until he is out and open with everyone in our life. He did begin finastaride for hair loss, which has a testosterone blocker in it and there are already some changes. Low sex drive, small "buds" and the emotional rollercoaster. If this is just from a blocker I have a feeling the hormones, even low dose will begin to show changes really quickly.

My spouse has been on low dose for 2 years. His body has changed, he's developed small breasts, his skin is softer, he smells different, his body has slightly changed. He presents as male, and so far no one that I know of mentioned any changes except to say he looks like he's lost weight. But I see the changes. If he continues, I'm sure the changes will slowly increase. I tend to feel, at least in our case, each small step takes him towards another step. He's stalling at the moment because he's not sure if he'll be trading one set of issues for another. My own personal feeling is with hormones, it's a big step, some of the effects are permanent and it's a serious step to take.

As for working it out, I've seen stories of couples where the transition works for them, others it doesn't at all and they go their separate ways while some end up living a platonic lifestyle. Wish I didn't have to ponder these options at all.

InaQuandary - I also wish I didn't have to ponder these options. And I miss my husband. This woman is new to me. I'm trying to stay and work it out because I love this person and seeing them hurt is painful to me and no one should not be their authentic selves, however it's too bad they pulled other people into it without giving all the info up front. I never thought I would have to be considering platonic marriage, lesbian marriage or divorce. My spouse has offered not to transition and stay male. I can't ask that of them. I am my authentic self and they should be too. I just wish the whole situation would go away.

'I just wish the whole situation would go away.'

Yep.

I just wish he didn't have to tell me this right before I wanted to have kids. It puts me in such a shitty situation. :(

'I just wish he didn't have to tell me this right before I wanted to have kids. It puts me in such a shitty situation. :('

That is REALLY hard, Cora, and hope you find a way through that issue.

I often wish I could wake up from this bad dream, but in all honesty, my preference would have been to be told before we got married, so I could have made an informed decision.

I often wish I would have been told before marriage. I'm not sure how I would have reacted at 18, but it would have been nice to be given the choice. I struggle with that feeling because if that were fact I wouldn't have my 3 children and I can't imagine life without them. It's a weird place to be in....

So Cora, when is the appointment?

I know once my spouse started there was really no stopping her, and once she moved out, her transition picked up to an alarming pace. She had 3 surgeries (that I know of) with the first 2 years of moving out. Currently, she wants to have top surgery because she isn't satisfied with the size of her breasts using hormones alone.

It seems each step satisfies them for awhile, but eventually, they become used to that new "normal" and need to take the next step - at least that was the case with my spouse.

The appointment is early August.

We chatted today and I told my spouse that I can't do another year of this. I think this is heading towards divorce. :( Every time I think I'm ready to go forward with divorce, I then don't feel ready at all. :(

But man, I've been so miserable for the past year. I really can't hold it up. I was I was stronger or a different person. :(

I'm so sorry Cora *hugs*

I think it's nothing to do with strength, and why should you be a different person? You are the best Cora you can be, and that's something to be proud of and hold on to.

Thanks Leonie! *hugs*

Cora - You are handling this the same way all of us are, one day at a time and with roller coaster highs and lows. You can't change who you are and you shouldn't! Your husband fell in love with you and you were honest with him regarding who you are and what you were bringing to the marriage. He didn't do the same for you. Now asking someone to take all of this on and deal with their selfishness and constant every changing persona AND be in a lesbian couple is a lot for one person to take. It is not you. I often think I wish I could be stronger or someone else. Someone who could handle this better and not hurt him, but I am just me and I was always honest with him.

I am not "for" divorce or staying with transgender spouse. I am FOR the wife/husband who is dealing with all of this and just trying to be true to themselves and show kindness. You have to do what is right for you. You have our support. And I am so sorry. I do know how painful a decision that is.