Yes, as you know, that has happened here.. I'd say the result of 2 is the second part. I can understand why he didn't tell me the whole truth, but yes, it does lead to trust issues.
3 - yes I have just recently. He claims this isn't the case, and that he has been and still is confused. Sometimes he feels full on female and wants to forge ahead with everything, sometimes he is seriously doubtful. Talking to him about it, I tried to be really nice, not confrontational (I did by email as he's away). I just keep telling him I love him, I'm not angry with him at all, but I've been confused by all the anomalies, and that I understand he's been trying to protect me (and himself). We are still working through that one though...

I'm not sure if it's anything to do with being in the closet for a long time - he's only been aware of the issues for about 4 years, or less. But he's always been a very private and insular person anyway. He's finding it hard to be honest about his feelings, even to himself. This is the most open he's ever been to anyone. Except maybe the therapist (when he actually had therapy). But it's still always me that does the asking, probing, questioning. I think if I didn't he would still be in the closet and doing nothing other than suffering quietly.

For the record, for me:

1. Yes.
2. It might be helping me digest the information better, but I am resentful that I get no say in our approach. And the feeling of being mislead causes a lot of damage. Maybe more than its worth. I do not like being in a relationship where I do not believe what my partner says.
3. Yes. But it is always slippery and I never feel like I can catch the truth.

1. It wouldn't surprise me if some spouses do this.

2. I think for my spouse, he can't fully grasp what this means for our relationship. So, he goes back and forth. I've accepted that that will happen now, so that's easier to deal with. I think there's probably a certain part of him that thinks he can "wear me down" or change how I feel. That makes me angry, but at the end of the day, I know he won't, so he had to make a decision about what's best for him and I'll make a decision what's best for me.

3. Yeah, I confronted him about him not setting up the urologist appointment and not being considerate of my feelings. He was upset about it, but it finally got inside his head that his procrastination is harming our relationship. I may not know what The Truth is, but I am trying to understand what My Truth is.

The Truth vs. My Truth... right on, Cora. You nailed it.

My spouse does this all the time. With everything regarding their life, their transition ect. They give me small amounts of information. I have told them I would rather know everything up front. However, even with my attempted communication nothing changes.

It’s a very depressing thing I think. As if I don’t already feel like an outsider , this makes it 10x worse.

Yes yes yes. I was one of the last people my partner told he was trans. He told me he was starting hormones the day of! Then later he came out as gay and left me but I had to pull info out of him. Then he tried to throw back on me saying I didn’t create a safe space for him to share his feelings. He said I hated elements of every step of his transition. I was nothing but supportive the entire time but he never let me share my fears or concerns. I held them all in so that he could feel safe to transition. Yet, he couldn’t hold anything of mine. He said it made it too hard to go forward with it bc he took on my fears and concerns as his own.

This is so scary. Especially your story, rambominger. I totally get why they are conditioned to hide things, but I feel like there has to be a moment (and the earlier the better) where they recognize tendency and promise to try their best not to lie and hide anymore. And fess up and apologize if they mess up, if only to show they are genuinely trying. I am afraid that after decades of this behavior and getting away with it, they don't understand the consequences. Therapy can help but I know a lot of people here have trouble getting their partners to go to therapy.

Good luck, all!

1. She did in the beginning. She left out a lot of details about the changes brought about by HRT, things that could change a lot about our relationship. Now she talks about every part of it in (almost excruviating lol) detail.
2. I felt lied to. Betrayed. Angry. An entire list of bitter and twisted emotions because we had always, always discussed how important communication was to our relationship, especially when she came out to me as trans. She took advantage of the trust I had for her to upfront with me.
3. I found out during a "fight" that she was hiding it because she knew I wouldn't like it and thought I would leave her. She was right that I wouldn't like it but I felt misled and betrayed by the fact that she wouldn't let me make the decision of whether to stay in the relationship or not. At the same time, I had some empathy for her. I expressed these things. It was after this conversation that we agreed she would tell me everything. Sometimes she gets very excited and she talks about for hours every day of the week. It occasionally feels overwhelming, but I try to remember that this is new and exciting for her. Our communication is a work in progress but at least it's happening. That's a start.