Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
So I’m sitting in bed just thinking about how at 39, facing my 40th birthday and 20 years together, that I never imagined I’d be in this situation.
I know he sacrificed a lot for me because when we started dating only two months in my grandfather moved out of his home with his new gf(my gram died in June of 99 this was Nov of 99 and we started dating 9/99) but I sacrificed a lot for him
He revealed his molestation by his stepfather soon after we became intimate. He went after him legally in 2002 and I had to go through depositions about our sex life and how he was reacting to things. He battled with gender dysphoria before the occasional dressing but told me him and his therapists said it was a defense mechanism for his being molested (turns out his new he was transgender long before he and I started dating so this was one of the many lies he told me) I dealt with that, with 2005/2006 he didn’t know if he wanted me then he did, 2013 he didn’t want kids so I signed divorce papers he tore them up and devised this whole scheme that he was sterile and tricked me into getting pregnant and that out was gone
so I sit here thinking now I’m 39 with a 5 year old who adores him and I don’t want to tear her away from the unit. So I sacrifice again. She prefers him sometimes makes me feel less of a parent but I’m sacrificing myself for her and she has no clue
I sit here in bed thinking what I would give to go back to the cigarette smoking driving w his knee man that o started dating and marrie. What u would give for rough hands not ones softer than mine. What I would give for a flat chest not one tang makes me think of a 15 year old girl. What I would give for some facial stubble or not diamond studs and ear cartilage piercing hoop. For regular jeans not these right boot cut ones. What I would give for a husband who I can look at not want to look away from. To be able to put my photos back up on the wall. To want him to be at my charity functions or my political events not worrying what he wears and if they’ll notice his chest.
He doesn’t dress other than things like underwear you can’t see so that should make me lucky right? I don’t feel lucky.
I don’t want to lose my home. I don’t want to have to figure out day care in the summer time and uproot my daughter but I want a life where I don’t feel like I’m in a constant state of anxiety and shock
In the beginning, my spouse was amazing. He was so kind and loving and so supportive of my goals and desires. That was the heart of the man I married. That was the person I keep hoping to see in this new person she is now. However, every time I give her a chance to show me that is who she still is, she shows me that she has changed.
It has been hard, but the therapist I have been working with has encouraged me to let go of that past and see my spouse for who she is now.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you do not need to stay in a relationship because you feel some obligation due to past sacrifices. Now, if you WANT to stay, that is different. I am talking about feeling you HAVE to stay.
Also, don't feel bad about feeling as though your 5 year old sometimes prefers her other parent. Mine were the same way. I was always the one enforcing rules, etc. Daddy was more of a playmate sometimes, so yes, they sometimes seemed to prefer him over me. Also, I was with them all the time, so when dad was home, they wanted attention from him. None of that meant they loved me less or preferred him over me, and I'm sure it is the same for your daughter.
On that note though, although your daughter is still young, she does still take note of the relationship between mommy and daddy, and you are modeling that love relationship to her. As she grows, she will see your sacrificing your happiness to keep the family together as normal and expected behavior. If she found herself in a similar spot 30 years down the road, what would you want her to do?
Also, you don't feel lucky because you aren't lucky that your husband is just underdressing. That keeps you in limbo and keeps you in his closet. Both individually is bad enough. Together they are that much worse. As hard as my spouse's transition was, I was thankful it was all out in the open now. That brought a new set of challenges, but it did take me out of limbo and out of the closet. And now, for the first time in years, I can not only see the light at the end of this long tunnel, but I can feel it's warmth.
We are different though, and our situations are different too. I don't blame any woman who feels the need (or desire) to stay. Divorce is hard, and most of us come out worse than we went in - financially speaking, so it absolutely is something not to be taken lightly.
You are still young though. What do you want the next 40 years to look like?
Are you in counseling? if not, please consider finding a counselor that deals with betrayal trauma. It has been so beneficial for me. A real game-changer.
I wish you peace.
Sorry for the novel. :)
One of the things that have really saved me during this time is having a glimmer of self-esteem and having the love of my friends and family. It has helped me envision a life that I want for myself. Whatever you decide, I'm rooting for you to make the life you want happen.