Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I want to apologize now for how long this might be. Sorry guys.
Here goes, about 3 years ago my husband of 6 years told me that he wanted to be a she.. I was at a loss for words. I felt betrayed and really wanted to walk out the door no questions asked, there really was nothing keeping me with him, none of the children are his (I have 4), I was his first and he is still quite young, I just kept thinking that if this was something that he wanted he didn't need me to be happy..
After talking to him about it I decided to stay (for the time being), I mean, I love this man.. I have never felt pure happiness before him, all my exes abused me in some way or another and I was finally happy!! What else was I suppose to do?
He is a great father to my children, and he does love them all as his own, they even accept him for who he is, so why is it so hard for me to accept him? I feel like he is asking me to forget about him and fall in love with this "new" person he is becoming.
So now, after 3 years we all refer to him as a she, and I thought that would help me to cope and honestly it has a bit, but I still get depressed when I think about no longer seeing him.. As of right now he still doesn't dress up, we haven't been able to afford the surgery or the therapy, not with 4 small mouths. But recently I have been rethinking everything that has been going through my head since the day he told me, I ask myself many questions, and most of which I have no answer to.
Shortly after finding out, I reached out to a lady on yahoo answers, she was my saving grace! When she replied to my email I wrongfully thought that all my problems would just go away, but that was far from the truth, she opened my eyes to so much, then I began to do some research of my own and now after 3 years I know so much about this condition, and its hard to turn back! I have let Gracie (my husband) come out and join the family, but its weird.. We still make love and I still feel passionate toward her, but its different.. I'm not a fan of man boobs, and she is always touching herself, wants me to do things that I'm not comfortable with, but its really hard for me to tell her no, because when I do she says "why?"... And I don't know why! I cant give her a reason to why I just don't like it, then I get angry and she gets defensive. It is really hard to talk to her. Where did our communication go? Did it just disappear when she came along? I don't like that, he promised me that he wouldn't change but she changed him.. Does that even make since?? Its like they are 2 different people, like he has multiple personalities! In most ways they are exactly alike, but in others they are not.. When he told me about this, he referred to Gracie as another personality, it took him a few weeks to tell me she wasn't a personality, she was the real him..
So recently I have been talking to another lady whos husband is going through the same as Gracie, and as much as I love talking to her, when she tells me how open she can be with her husband it kind of destroys me a little inside, don't get me wrong! I love that she can talk to me! I just start thinking, and when I think it is NEVER good thing. I remember how close my husband and I were before he told me, and I miss that. And now I just feel like I'm the one being locked away mentally, because I cant talk to him anymore.
Now, I want to let you all know, that for the last 6 months we have been trapped in a hotel room (we fell on hard times with money) with all the kids, so yes it is very difficult to get "us" time, much less actually be able to talk about much of anything without little ears. And I have only been having these feelings of communication problems for about 4 months now. So it might help once we are able to get out of this small room (about a month or so). But my feelings of fear have always been there, and I never really talk to her about my feelings.
However, what I have told her, is that I am willing to stick this out, but I make no promises about staying around after its done. I cant promise that, I don't know if I will love her and as of right now she still looks like him..
Any help is welcome, but please don't be judgmental, we have been able to be so open with our children because we raised them not to judge anyone.
Thank you and again sorry this is so long.
Here goes, about 3 years ago my husband of 6 years told me that he wanted to be a she.. I was at a loss for words. I felt betrayed and really wanted to walk out the door no questions asked, there really was nothing keeping me with him, none of the children are his (I have 4), I was his first and he is still quite young, I just kept thinking that if this was something that he wanted he didn't need me to be happy..
After talking to him about it I decided to stay (for the time being), I mean, I love this man.. I have never felt pure happiness before him, all my exes abused me in some way or another and I was finally happy!! What else was I suppose to do?
He is a great father to my children, and he does love them all as his own, they even accept him for who he is, so why is it so hard for me to accept him? I feel like he is asking me to forget about him and fall in love with this "new" person he is becoming.
So now, after 3 years we all refer to him as a she, and I thought that would help me to cope and honestly it has a bit, but I still get depressed when I think about no longer seeing him.. As of right now he still doesn't dress up, we haven't been able to afford the surgery or the therapy, not with 4 small mouths. But recently I have been rethinking everything that has been going through my head since the day he told me, I ask myself many questions, and most of which I have no answer to.
Shortly after finding out, I reached out to a lady on yahoo answers, she was my saving grace! When she replied to my email I wrongfully thought that all my problems would just go away, but that was far from the truth, she opened my eyes to so much, then I began to do some research of my own and now after 3 years I know so much about this condition, and its hard to turn back! I have let Gracie (my husband) come out and join the family, but its weird.. We still make love and I still feel passionate toward her, but its different.. I'm not a fan of man boobs, and she is always touching herself, wants me to do things that I'm not comfortable with, but its really hard for me to tell her no, because when I do she says "why?"... And I don't know why! I cant give her a reason to why I just don't like it, then I get angry and she gets defensive. It is really hard to talk to her. Where did our communication go? Did it just disappear when she came along? I don't like that, he promised me that he wouldn't change but she changed him.. Does that even make since?? Its like they are 2 different people, like he has multiple personalities! In most ways they are exactly alike, but in others they are not.. When he told me about this, he referred to Gracie as another personality, it took him a few weeks to tell me she wasn't a personality, she was the real him..
So recently I have been talking to another lady whos husband is going through the same as Gracie, and as much as I love talking to her, when she tells me how open she can be with her husband it kind of destroys me a little inside, don't get me wrong! I love that she can talk to me! I just start thinking, and when I think it is NEVER good thing. I remember how close my husband and I were before he told me, and I miss that. And now I just feel like I'm the one being locked away mentally, because I cant talk to him anymore.
Now, I want to let you all know, that for the last 6 months we have been trapped in a hotel room (we fell on hard times with money) with all the kids, so yes it is very difficult to get "us" time, much less actually be able to talk about much of anything without little ears. And I have only been having these feelings of communication problems for about 4 months now. So it might help once we are able to get out of this small room (about a month or so). But my feelings of fear have always been there, and I never really talk to her about my feelings.
However, what I have told her, is that I am willing to stick this out, but I make no promises about staying around after its done. I cant promise that, I don't know if I will love her and as of right now she still looks like him..
Any help is welcome, but please don't be judgmental, we have been able to be so open with our children because we raised them not to judge anyone.
Thank you and again sorry this is so long.
I'm not sure, from what you wrote, how you are actually feeling about this development. It sounds like you are trying to be OK with it in the abstract, but are uncomfortable with the reality. That is truly understandable. It doesn't make you shallow. It doesn't make you judgmental. It doesn't make you selfish or uncompromising. It may just be that you are strongly heterosexual, as I am.
To me, when I found out that my then-husband was fantasizing that he was a woman and I was the man in bed...it nearly destroyed me. I was not attracted to breasts, shaved bodies, or lingerie. And I wanted to be desired as who - and what - I was. In effect, I was his unwilling prop. He didn't desire ME, as a man desired a woman. He wanted to BE me and pretend that I was the opposite sex. Even if he had wanted to be "lesbian lovers" as 2 women, I would be untrue to myself if I agreed to pretend to be anything other than the strongly heterosexual woman that I was.
I don't know how far you have gone down the rabbit hole with gender theory, but I was not able to make myself attracted to something that absolutely turned me off. I tried so hard. And I was offended and deeply hurt that I seemed to be non-existent in my own sex life, and that, according to the resources out there (pre-internet!) for wives, THIS SHOULD NOT BOTHER ME.
Looking back on it, I just shake my head at the idea that I bought into the guilt-inducing proclamations that I was being unreasonable or immature if I had objections to this total dismissal of my own sexual identity and sexual preference. I am a woman attracted to men. In my view, this is crueler than the conversion therapy that they used to try on homosexuals...because it was introduced as something that was not sexual, it was not disclosed until after I had small children, and I was mercilessly blamed for being unloving and judgmental if I did not accept this into our marriage and our bed.
Many times, I think that we women have been so socialized to making our partners happy that we stretch ourselves beyond boundaries that we need to keep in place to remain who we are. When I read your words, it takes me back to when I was married to a crossdresser who insisted that his behavior was motivated purely by feeling "comfortable" and "sensual". Very little could be further from the truth. This compulsion was BASED in his sexuality. He knew of no other way to relate to sex. It was who he was, just as I was who I was. I, too, was very distressed at what my ex wanted me do in bed. I cried myself to sleep many nights, praying to an unhearing god to help me to accept this, and blaming myself for not wanting anything to do with it. Now, I just accept that we had irreconcilable differences...but I didn't know that at the time. I thought it was ME, all me. And I accepted the blame and disgust that my husband heaped on me, trying, trying, TRYING to try harder, to go against every instinct in my body to accept the unacceptable.
The hurt came in when I realized this had been there all along, but I was so naïve sexually that I didn't realize that these fantasies playing in his mind were ALL that turned him on...not me at all. I was nowhere in there...not as a heterosexual and not as a woman. I was crushed...and I had every right to be. I'm not saying that he was wrong for being who he was, but I do fault him for bringing me into this mess, then coercing me into more and more in the name of love and unconditional support, all the while lying about what this was really about...sex.
In hindsight, the situation I was in was highly abusive, but he was such a nice guy to everyone else (and he used to be with me) that I felt that I had to be the one with the problem. Now I know that I wasn't. I was not the one who did this to our relationship. He was. But he (along with all the "help" offered to wives in my position in any resource I could find) had me so brainwashed that I went though several therapists, all of whom were telling me that this was ABUSE, but I literally couldn't see it. I don't know, Whimper, whether your husband is using your love and loyalty to him (her?) to coerce you to give in to his demands/requests, but if any of this sounds familiar to you, please give it some thought.
Whether you stay or go, know that you have my support. It is a very difficult position to be in. My heart goes out to you.
Shelly
Your words have really touched me, and honestly I don't know what is going through his head when we have sex.. I want to think he is thinking about me, he does everything possible to make me happy during, he even calls out my name, but he too has a very active imagination.
A lot of what you explained sounds very familiar to me, all the way to the way I feel. I hate feeling like this, I want to be the loving supportive wife but then I feel so betrayed because he didn't tell me sooner. And I want no more than to sit down and talk to him about how I feel, but as you stated earlier, I still feel that I should make him happy no matter how I feel, and if I say anything I can see the pain in his eyes.
I want to stay, I love him to the core of my being but like you said, should I sacrifice my own happiness to keep him happy? I have great days and then I have days that I just sit and cry, I'm a mess of emotions and my kids shouldn't have to see me like this, no matter how understanding they are.. They are my babies, and I am suppose to be the strong one.
Whimper
Sex is important in a relationship. The intimacy bonds you. But if it is only one sided, if only one of person is getting his or her sexual needs met, then it becomes merely helpful masturbation.
It is hard to hold on and it is hard to let go.
I am really sorry you have to go through this. I know the guilt is immeasurable, but none of this is your fault and all of your feelings are normal and justified.
xx