Oh, that is terrible. I'm sorry.

Do you think he is talking like that for other reasons? Like sometimes my husbands says extreme things like, "Maybe I will just stop doing anything and pretend I am not transgender for the rest of my life." I am pretty sure he never means things like this literally. It feels like he is either venting frustration OR he is trying to test MY response. Like he is hoping to hear me say, "Oh honey, don't say that. Being transgender is great. Do whatever you have to!" And maybe I would if I didn't feel like I was being manipulated into saying it. Maybe your spouse just wants to see if you'll defend the marriage when pushed. Maybe he wants to know if you'll fight for it?

Another thing could be that he feels so badly about what this is doing to you, or what it might do to you, and about disappointing you, that he just can't bear it and he thinks divorce will be the easy way out for those feelings.

Maybe he really wants to just transition and not have any other "emotional baggage" to bring along on that journey. People do crazy stuff when the are overwhelmed.

Make sure he knows how you feel when he talks like that. Ask him point blank if he really means it. I like your idea that if it comes to it, to separate first so he can see what it's like. But maybe if you can't get to the bottom of why he keeps bringing it up, it would be a good thing to discuss with a therapist first :(

I believe he might be simply speaking his deepest fears, needing reassurance. This is clearly a huge issue for couples.

Even as strong as our relationship is and even though my hubbie knows I adore his feminine side, he still occasionally asks if I ever regret marring him, if I can see us growing old together and sometimes throws a what if scenario at me.

It doesn't happen a lot but each time it leaves me wondering if it's a deep seated insecurity. Maybe it's related to a fear of standing alone, defrocked so to speak, for all the world to see. The one thing to make something like that bearable would be having the person you love at your side in some capacity. I also wonder if he's worried because everything was so hard for him before we met and so easy since we slid seamlessly together, if there isn't another shoe waiting to be dropped. He seems to relax a bit when I reassure him.

It feels like some dark fear lurking in the back of his mind telling him not to trust what we have together, even after all this time, that it's to good to be true. It goes to show that even when you finally get to a really good place where you find some peace and happiness, this thing continues to nibble away in ways we never expected. Doubts and fears are elusive and hard to nail down, making them even more difficult to confront and vanquish.

And I guess where you are luckier is that it sounds like you are not in a place where you need reassurances from him. or do you? I know for me (and I think some others here), I am still reeling from this news and feel unsure of everything. We probably both need reassurances right now. So when one expresses their insecurity in a certain way (like Cora's husband asking about divorce), instead of being able to respond with a reassurance, it instead makes the other one more insecure, and how they express it can have the same effect back. Then we get stuck in a downward spiral. It sucks because it is hard to stop, even when you know it is happening mentally, it is hard to shake the insecurity emotionally. I guess the best way to stop it is to prevent it with clearer communication? (But sometimes even then, it can start with a misunderstood look or an errant sigh.)

Me need reassurances, never...except when I do. If I'm being totally honest, I have to wonder if he isn't sounding off the idea of introducing a third (male) into our relationship or something like that. I know this probably sounds really crazy to you guys, but he is bi, has had relationships with men before and I could almost see him wanting something like that. Once I begin worrying I can see how having another man might free him to fem more or something along those lines.

Then I start second guessing myself. Maybe I'm letting my imagination run away with me when he says stuff like can I "imagine us growing old together, just the two of us?" I start to wonder why he added that last bit. I've had threesomes, so I'm not a prude. But still, he's fucking with my happily ever after, which was just supposed to include just the two of us. I never come right out an ask cause I'm afraid of the answer I'll get. I'm honestly not good at sharing in general. Does that make me a bad person?

Gutted, it certainly doesn't make you a bad person if you have been clear about what you expected out of the relationship all along.

I just have a problem with people allowing their own insecurities be a reason to play mind games with someone they love. Plus, I am stubborn and don't like to feel forced into saying or doing things. I will refuse to out of spite even if I want to. That probably DOES make me a bad person.

I don't think it makes you a bad person GR. I too feel some kind of way about having to say the same thing over and over. It feels forced and weird, like there is something going on that I can't get my head around. Maybe I'm being ridiculous for reading too much into it and just being paranoid. The thing is, my gut feelings are usually right when they come to my hubbie. If that's what he wants, why can't he just say? It feels like he wants it to be my idea, when nothing could be further from my mind. :-/

That's really hard, Cora. I too wonder if he is just seeking reassurance. I hope you can find a way to work things out. I can't really add to what's been said already, but am thinking of you.

Sending hugs xxx

"it feels like he is either venting frustration OR he is trying to test MY response."

Yeah, this is what it feels like. I really hate being manipulated. It's just so exhausting.