Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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awife 05/27/2018

Tonight was bad.

He was out of town for a few days at a friend’s 50th birthday celebration. Several hours after I expected him home, I finally got him on the phone. He said he’d had too much to drink and was just waiting it out until he could drive. I lost my shit because he KNOWS it makes me crazy when he says he’ll be somewhere and doesn’t tell me when the plans change.

Well one thing led to another and I learned that he had spent the whole day as her and was so happy that he lost track of time. Now I’m in tears because this is one more person he has spent time with as her and he won’t be her with me! It’s been a real sore spot. And I lashed out at him for not trusting me but trusting others. He said it was easier with people who didn’t know him and only knew her.

So now it’s a full fledged fight with yelling and sobbing on both sides. And he’s blaming me for not asking more questions about his gender issues in the 25 years we’ve been together. Which is not entirely true. He told me right before we got married that he cross dressed. I naively told him I didn’t care as long as I didn’t see it ( awful I know!!!). And we’ve danced around it ever since. I thought I was respecting his privacy when he’d go out. But he blames me for not reaching out about it.

6 months ago, I learned rather abruptly that he’d been taking HRT and ever since it’s been a whirlwind. I’ve tried to be supportive. And he dispenses Information in dribs and drabs. Meanwhile, he has a group of friends he goes out with and I’ve been supportive, all the while begging him to let me meet her. He is reluctant. He is afraid I won’t like her.

And tonight in the heat of the yelling and crying. And apologizing, I told him that if he wanted to be her more (which I know he does), then I would help him do that but he had to let me in and he had to trust me. He doesn’t know how she fits in his life. But I know he is happier as her

I also begged him to see a therapist with me.

The worst part was that my teenage daughters saw me cry and I cannot talk to them about this. But they know something is up.

And then I got a text from his best friend (whose house he was at) asking me what I said to him because he was “sobbing like his life was over.”

I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I want to try and work through this but I’m terrified. I feel like my whole marriage has been a farce. Part of me wants to run screaming but I truly do love him and I’m not ready to throw it all away.

Help!

Sylph 05/28/2018

Hi awife, sorry you are going through this. Many of us here have gone through some of the same. My partner too kept the female side hidden for a couple of years before I found out (I found the underwear). It then took me a good 9 or 10 months before I confronted him about it (I too thought I was respecting his privacy), then another year of not really talking about it 'out of sight out of mind' and all that.
IThen finally last September we got down to the bare bones of it - but again, it was me probing, asking more or less FORCING it out of him. He is transgender and wants at least partial transition - he's starting HRT next week.
I too veer between not wanting to know and wanting to know EVERYTHING. It's hard to get a balance. He has only ever shown me her once. That is with make up, dangly earrings, breast etc. Since then, it's been much more subtle and only occasionally.
I have always been the one to ask the questions - he doesn't volunteer ANYTHING. It drives me mad. He's only going on hormones through my pushing - not that I wanted him to or encouraged it, but I knew that was what he wanted to do, so I basically gave him the 'green light'.
I think therapy is a very good idea, do keep trying to persuade your husband to go. I think all these years of keeping it under the radar has taken its toll, and he has maybe got into some sort of 'comfort zone' of only being her away from you, but it's obviously time to change that. And you may both need help to do that.
Sorry your daughter heard you arguing.
Take care, and keep talking to us.

awife 05/28/2018

Thanks, Sylph. I didn’t get much sleep last night but when he came home this morning, things were better. He apologized for yesterday’s communication gap and we talked about my wanting to be more involved. He says he appreciates that I’m trying to educate myself and asking questions but there is remorse on both sides that it took so long to get here. I told him that the things I love about him defy gender. I cannot imagine my life without this person in it. So I am prepared to help him be her more often and have told him so. We have agreed to figure it out but to make no empty promises. No “it will all be fine” kind of statements. He’s not prepared to give up his life as a male but he is clearly happier in his female persona so we still have some work to do.

Knowing you are all traveling similar paths is truly helpful.

gallinarosa 05/29/2018

So sorry awife. It is a long road, huh? I hate those moments when you find out they have been hiding something from you. Not only do you have to process whatever they were hiding, but then you have to deal with feeling a lack of trust. Your argument sounds horrible but I am glad to hear you both got through it. Sometimes I think those terrible bumps in the road are needed to jolt you and help get you to the next level. Good luck. Always feel free to vent here as it will help you get composed enough to work through things at home.

~hugs

Cora 05/30/2018

Hi awife, I don't know if this would make it any better, but from the sound of it, you sound like a wife that any trans person would LOVE to have. Marriage goes beyond gender? You want to be with "her"? That sounds like a dream!

But of course, your spouse sounds very scared. That's understandable. At the same time, he's pushing you away. And honestly, it sounds like the one thing that he wants to prevent will happen because he is shutting you out. I don't know what would help him, but he has to know that continuing as it is now is no longer helping the situation.

*hugs*

awife 05/30/2018

Thanks, Cora! Some moments I am bound and determined to be all he needs me to be. And others i want to sit in a corner and weep! I know he’s afraid I won’t like her. He and his best friend have both told me that she is very different from him. SO what am I supposed to do? I will never know her if he doesn’t let me. And it makes me so sad that he is afraid to take that step. If we never meet, how will we know if we can have a life together?

gallinarosa 05/31/2018

Awife, you two will need to be careful as you proceed and may need a therapist to help you slowly meet "her" if she is so different from "him". I think most transpartners tell their spouses that they are the same person regardless of gender (though I have a hard time believing that 100%). So if your spouse already says that she is very different, it might be a lot for you to handle all at once. Maybe you can think of gradual steps to get there so it is not too overwhelming? Just my thoughts...

awife 05/31/2018

It’s weird because he will say in one breath that I’ve been living with her for 25 years. But I’ve also heard from the best friend that she is much more passive and very different from my husband. Those two seem to contradict each other but I suspect there is some truth to both.

We are trying to work out a situation for me to meet her but he and I have different ideas on how that should play out. But I agree that we need the help of a therapist and have said as much. I even found one who takes our insurance AND has some gender identity experience. Now to just get him to go.

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