I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you, I am 28 days into the same news. although not entirely unexpected, there had been some dressing up in the beginning of our relationship.
I can only tell you how we are coping and working towards keeping our family and relationship and marriage I viable out come.
firstly we have been together 13 years, married for 5 and he has helped me raise my 3 children as his own. my husband came out at work to a very understanding boss who has allowed him to take on his new persona and name. at home he is still my husband and father to the kids. there is some crossover as I now help him with outfit selection and the endless shaving. his other side is not sexual but a deep yearning he has kept supressed for years, trying to confirm to society's and my expectations of him. he now is able to explore and relax in his feminine aspect in a safe and non threatening environment and has no intention of taking anything further with hormones or surgery. his words - he is happier than he ever thought he could be or deserved to be with this arrangement.
I am relieved to have the depression and sadness gone from him. it has given our marriage new meaning, to value what is important and save what means the most to us. the secrecy and lies have stopped and hopefully the trust can be rebuilt. it has not been easy, far from it. we have talked, cried, negotiated and cried some more.
if your husband was a loving caring man when you married him, it is like he still loves and cares about you and the children most of all. he has kept a dark secret for a long time but it doesn't have to mean the end. talk, negotiate some ground rules that you can both live with, wanting to embrace his feminine side doesn't mean he has to become a woman, my husband is happy now to embrace both sides of his personality and the self loathing is getting less.
I, like you cant imagine life without him, we are making it work, I pray the same for you

Hi Kitty121. My husband took hormones earlier this year for 3 months and stopped for fear of being discovered by me, but he'd like to resume.

Does your husband dress as a woman for work and as a man at home?

I am sorry to hear about the hormones, my husband say he doesn't need the hormones to embrace his feminine aspect. yes my husband changes at work and dresses as a woman - he works in an office. at home he is my husband in clothing and mannerisms. nothing has changed except we are more careful and honest with each others feelings. our marriage and relationship had to be top priority for this to work. if anything else tries to be number one I don't think we would make it. our strength lies in our bond as a couple and our love for each other.
I read once where a woman in Europe was going through the same as us, she said; looks fade, lifes accidents can take limbs or incapacitate us, it is only love that gets us through.

1sorrylot,

I'm sorry you are going through all this. My husband came out to me last summer -- just a week or so before our 19 anniversary. We did try to make things work, but he just kept pushing things further and further. Suddenly, this man that was my everything was "dying." That may sound like an exaggeration, but he was changing right before my eyes. Even when he was dressed as a man, he was completely self-absorbed. Not at all the man I had married. He was a different person.

After almost a year, I finally asked him to move out. During that year, my health took a turn for the worse because of all the stress. I was unable to focus on anything. (We homeschool. If I can't focus on the work, it is my kids' education that suffers.) The situation was just unacceptable. Things are getting better now with him gone. We are slowly getting used to a new normal. However, every time he takes that next step I feel that stabbing pain in my heart as my husband "dies" just a little more.

Now, my story is my story, and it doesn't mean that is how your story will turn out. Yes. Some marriages last, but the vast majority do not. Those that do seem to become almost partnerships more than marriages. Even on the transgender message boards, they will say that they have happy, but not necessarily physically intimate, marriages.

I wish you the best as you to work through this. You are the only one who can determine what is best for you and your children, and only you know where your boundaries are. However, know that if it doesn't work out, you are not taking your kids' dad away from them. He is. Him. Not you.

Feel free to come here to vent or rant or simply ask questions of others who have been through this. Support for trans-widows is hard to find.

Lynn