Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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Anxiety

DailyStruggle1979
DailyStruggle1979

I have an overwhelming sense of anxiety.  I have to give myself pep talks each day to get through that day to the next. I cant Look at my husband anymore. I can talk to him but i look away when I do the talking. I have anxiety when I think of him in the shower wondering what he looks like now naked. I have anxiety because i know that without my victoria secret push up bra on and we were on a profile my chest size is the same as his. I have anxiety over the fact that i have no true comfort at home. We will cuddle and watch TV but i have to arange my arms as to a way where I dont cross over his chest and even still his body isnt familiar anymore its squishy if that makes sense. I have axiety about his coloring his hair and trying to get it blond as if he was not already obviously standing out with his earrings, womens flair jeans and foundation. I have anxiety because i have a lot of events that I attend politically and charities and I have no one to go with me. I am anxious being around him in the privacy of our own home, i have more anxiety when I leave the house with him and we are around strangers, being around people I know with him I dont know if i can handle. Am i out of line if i say i want you here BUT you have to take all earrings out, no foundation on your face, and wear a compression bra (i gag saying this) to flatten your chest as much as you can?

Natalia78
Natalia78
You have a right to feel the way you feel. I know with me and my husband it is give and take. He will never wear my cloths and doesn't make to many changes at a time. He can try to rush things and i have to tell him I am not ready for that. I understand your anxiety and the desire to not go anywhere with him. I find myself getting mad because my husband looks like a walking bullseye and then I feel like I have to protect him. I have started therapy and i am trying to learn ways to cope when I have a panic attack while walking by the razors. I personally think setting up limits with one another would be a good thing but make sure you are being fair with yours which can be so hard cause I know the feelings of take that off, don't wear this and don't shave.
Hang in there and look within yourself on what you can and can't handle at this point and then talk to your husband hopefully an agreement can be made.
Hugs!!
DailyStruggle1979
DailyStruggle1979
Thank you
Cora
Cora
I have lots of anxiety too.
gallinarosa
gallinarosa
I think it is fair to tell him the truth, that you are not ready to be "outted" with him. And you can tell him you are lonely or sad going alone. But you can't tell him what to do. If he values going to these events with you, then he'll make that choice. You can ask him how he'd feel about attending without earrings, etc. and go from there.

Good luck. These conversations are hard but if you can have them, I think it will help you find a path. Hugs :(
Ldmessing
Ldmessing
i feel the same way. right now I worry that he will be hell bent on outing himself to my 80 year old dad who is visiting next month
thinking about itmakde me sick
1newstart
1newstart
DS, I am sorry you are going through this. I completely understand. I also reached a point where I could not look at my spouse. Seeing my husband dressed as a woman just hurt too much, so I always busied myself with something when we had to talk.

But yes, boundaries and open and honest communication. Those things need to be a part of your life.
Ayet
Ayet
It's good you're expressing this stuff so you can be honest with yourself about your feelings. Personally, if my partner outlined acceptable and not acceptable things to wear or ways to present while in his presence or out with him, I would be devastated and disturbed, so maybe think about your question about whether it would be out of line that way. Of course I don't know your relationship, and maybe your husband would be fine with that, but I can't think of many people (trans or otherwise) I know who would be fine with it. I would think of it not as a boundary but as an attempt to control me, which I would consider abusive.
1newstart
1newstart
Ayet, I appreciate the points you made, but think there are exceptions. For example, if I were going to a formal event with my spouse and came downstairs wearing jeans and flip flops, it would not be abusive for my spouse to point out that I was not dressed appropriately and ask/tell me I needed to change. Women, in fact, do this all the time to men when going to weddings, etc, or any event that may call for a tie to be worn. :) I also do not feel it is controlling or abusive for any of us to expect our spouses to present as male if they are socially known as male. For example, if I were still referring as my spouse as "husband," I don't think it would be out of line to ask that my spouse present as male during these events. We could then discuss plans for coming out socially.

I think the OP has some issues that need to be addressed and worked through. I don't think it would be right for her to keep her spouse in a closet after he has decided he wants to come out, but for these events and until he comes out socially, I don't think it is unreasonable of her to ask that he present as male in public.
DailyStruggle1979
DailyStruggle1979
Thank You 1newstart. When we go to dinner, or parties with friends, he wants to wear his earrings, foundation, shirts that make his chest noticeable, womens flair jeans, whatever thats his deal but a political event where no one knows what is going on or my charity work where i am a board member and few know what is going on. These are my events where I should be able to be comfortable there and not have to spend the whole night having people stare or ask questions. He went to an event for my veteran charity and thankfully it was someone who knew asked if he was wearing makeup. So, thanks for understanding that i just feel like i should not be shunned by him for wanting to have my "husband" there for an event. The irony is he never wanted to do these things and now he would go under his terms. Guess its a stalemate.
Cora
Cora
I mean, if your spouse is basically presenting as female to social events, at the very least, that really needs to be addressed in some way, so that if people ask, you can say, "Yes, my spouse is in middle of transitioning." or "My spouse is transitioning, but still uses male pronouns."