After many trips to the therapist alone and with my spouse, certain things have come to light. I think one of the biggest problems in our relationship stems from how *he has evolved to cope with being trans and keeping it a secret his whole life. It has affected all of his relationships and how he relates to the rest of the world. Over the years, before he was outted, I knew there was something wrong with us, but I could never understand what it was. And he often made me feel like whatever it was – it was my fault. He convinced me that I was too sensitive. I have been very frustrated and lonely and sad over the past decade or two but unable to do anything about it.

When he was outted, I saw hope. Now that things were uncovered, maybe there was a chance to fix them. Some issues were obvious to both of us and were corrected right away. Others have required more digging and self-discovery. My biggest revelation so far has been that he has built a safe world in which he lives. It is not the real world, and no one lives in it but him. His perspective is always from inside that space. For me to join him there, I turn into a caricature of myself, drawn by him. It is not real to me. If I stay outside of his world, I am always alone. It makes me very sad.

Part of this situation is that he seems to be incapable of relating to anyone without himself getting in the way. He cannot see me clearly. He always sees me through the lens of what he needs. His concern for me starts with his concern for himself. If he asks me if I am okay, it is because he wants to know if any deviation from me being okay might affect him. When he says he doesn’t want to transition because he doesn’t want to hurt me, he really means that he doesn’t want to lose me. If he cared first and foremost about what was best for me, then he would be open to splitting up if that was more beneficial to me. I consider he may need to transition and I have no idea what that would mean for us or for me because I am capable of thinking of him first. I can at least consider it.

I don’t say this because I want to split up or I think that is more beneficial to me. Nor am I mad that he does not put me first. But it pains me first of all that he is not capable of it. Not even in small ways. If I seem sad, it would be nice to have him genuinely be concerned for my well-being without knowing any concern he shows is actually motivated by fear for himself. Also, it is a problem that he cannot comprehend this difference. He *thinks* he is selfless and caring. He *thinks* that all of his choices in life have been around making me happy because I am the center of his universe. He may often make choices to make me happy, but they are for reasons of self-preservation. I cannot be the center of his universe because he cannot even clearly see me to know what makes me happy. He doesn’t even bother to ask. HE is the center of his universe. I know we all have to be responsible for ourselves. I don’t need him to save me. But he needs to at least open his eyes and be realistic about himself and our relationship.

We are working with the therapist, but it is going slowly. And in the meantime, I have a bundle of misery that I have to keep to myself. Has anyone else experienced this? The therapist says it is like the behavior of a trauma victim. It is hard to even tackle the obvious TG issues until we can fix this and he doesn’t even understand there is a problem. I hope I still have the energy left when we get there.

* He is still using "he" and "him".