My heart goes out to you! My spouse is also transitioning, but we do not have children. I cannot imagine the extra stress that would add to the situation, especially with divorce in the future and having to find a way to co-parent. I imagine there might be a lot of stigma that the kids would have to deal with in school. What I can tell you, is kids are more open minded and resilient than you can imagine. When we ended up telling our nieces and nephews who are aged 3, 5, 9, and 13 years old they all took it pretty well. The 13 year old struggled the most, but the younger ones were just curious but very accepting. That being said, I would assume being told that your “uncle” is now your “aunt” is much easier than being told that Daddy is now your other Mommy. A good therapist will help, but I know those can be very hard to come by. It’s going to be a very difficult and emotional road for everyone. But, as long as the children are loved, in the end, that’s all that matters. I’m glad you found this support group. Good luck. Sending you hugs!

Hi
I had to pressure my ex spouse to tell the kids mine are 15,20,20 so a bit older then yours but the older too said it made sense to them now how he has acted while at home
My 15 ye old daughter said ....
Mum were are a different generation we know about these things and can accept them ......
I hope she is right it's not everyday you hear of your dad transitioning to be a women
Just use simple language they can Understand..and take it slow. Answer their questions truefully and be there for them always
Best of luck
I worked myself into complete anxiety before he told.the kids because I couldn't predict how they would take it but now things have seemed to ease off a bit of still worry about them ( as mother's do) but I have told them I will be there for them always .....

Thanks for the quick replies. It’s so nice to have people
Who can understand the situation.
My kids are young and already not the easiest kids. One has ADHD and already struggles so much. The last thing I want to do is cause either of them
More Hardship

I don't have kids, but I think if you and your spouse can move through this together in a positive way, that will be the best for your kids. Like, sometimes I hear stories about how the trans spouse stops showing up as a parent, and that's really unfair to the kids. Likewise, some cis spouses have a hard time incorporating the trans spouse into the kids life and I think that's unfair as well.

But either way, make sure you are taking care of yourself during this difficult time. If you can take care of yourself first, you'll have energy and space for your kids. <3 <3 ,3

Thanks Cora.
Yes, One thing that is great is that "L" is as devoted a parent as I am.. They are actually one of the best fathers I know...and I imagine that won't change other then maybe being called a "mother" one day.
We are lucky that we get along so well and we are able to continue to live together and co parent for now, which is best for kids. "L" hasn't started to transition in any obvious ways yet, other then growing out their Nails longer and nicer then mine, lol! And shaving daily... but my kids haven't noticed either of those little things.
We sleep in separate rooms, each with one of our kids... my 7 year old did ask me last night why he gets to sleep in my room with my every night... i kind of half answered with a " bc i know you love it and I sleep well with you" and just left it at that.

My spouse came out to me over two years ago. I can relate to all the different feelings and thoughts that flood our lives. We have a child who was 11 years old at the time. What I have learned visiting this site and other support groups is how different our situations all are. Just like we each have different experiences and different feelings toward gender and sexuality, our marriages are also so different. I really enjoy how we try to to support each other even with all these differences.

In my case, my spouse has been extremely slow to figure out what they actually want. They do plan to transition MTF but ultimately what that means and when that happens has made watching grass grow look like an exciting activity. My spouse sees each baby step as an opportunity to reevaluate. I am more the "rip the band-aid off" kind of person. So, it's been painfully slow and has tested my patience. That said, I realize in the two years, I have changed so much. I am able for the first time to want to be supportive of them - and not because I think it's the right thing to do, but because I authentically want to help them. That change only happened somewhere between 1.5 -2 years. So, slow is painful but it also allows for all parties to adapt - even me who hates slow.

We spoke to our son together about 16 months into this. He cried for a few moments. We all held each other. He asked if "Dad" would still be "Dad". For about a week, our son showed some signs of anxiety but then that passed. As I said my spouse is transitioning very slowly, and I think the changes are almost imperceptible to our son. I bring up the conversation every month or two with my son to check in, but he doesn't have much to say on it. We also live in a very accepting community with many same sex couple families and gender fluid folks (although most are younger). Our son also has a friend who is transgender.

I am hoping that I can keep most things in our lives as "normal" as in the past. For me this has meant, trying to figure out how to stay living together as a family. Our marriage is changing but hoping our family isn't, at least for now. Not sure how this will work out over time, but that's the present circumstances.

Again, whatever I say is unique to my situation. I hope you're able to navigate your own in ways that are loving to yourself and those you care most about. At the end of the day, that's what this is all about. It is definitely not easy - when people ask, I say things like "there are good days and bad days", but I realize now that there have been more good in the last five months. I also say, "it's like a rollercoaster", but I now see that I am more accepting that this is the ride I'm on.

Hope this is somewhat helpful. Sending you big hugs and wish you and your family good thoughts.

Hi Jenuine,

My children are also older, 19, 18 and 13. We told them about 2 years ago and I have made a very big effort to always talk to each of them alone and in a group letting them know how hard this was for me and that any and all feelings they have are valid and ok. All three of them are doing fine and have never needed to come to me about it. They are more concerned WE won't make it and WE aren't ok. This generation of kids has heard about trans/gay/lgbtq issues since they were babies, so I think it is less shocking or something.

I believe that no matter what the best thing we can do for our kids in this situation is communicate and really listen. Just allow your kids to feel heard and seen and they will come out ok.

Sending love and hugs!

Hi Jenuine,

My heart goes out to you, I send you lots of love and hugs.

My husband & the father of my two children (aged 7&4) told me last year that they are transgender. It was a huge shock to me & what made things particularly difficult for us, was their self-obsessional behaviour and the speed at which they have pushed forward with transition. Clearly they had spent a lot of time grappling with and planning this & although initially I was keen to try to walk with them at least part way through their journey, it sadly became clear that I would never be able to 'catch up' & I had to make fast and very difficult decisions about how and what to tell the children.

I took advice from a paediatric clinical psychologist before speaking with the children. She understood my need to be open and honest with the children & we worked from there to identify how much information to tell the children and when. For our family, I introduced some carefully chosen story books & contacted their school about the situation. About 10 days later, we told the children about the gender dysphoria and their father's transition plan (obviously in very simple terms). Unfortunately, then only another 10 days, we informed the children that 'daddy' would be moving out later that week. Within two weeks, their 'dad; was then presenting full time as a woman, so the gentle introduction to the social transition that I had hoped for was not possible. We managed the 'introduction' by sharing a couple of photos, then videos with the children before they saw their 'dad' as a woman for the first time (again, I'd thought very carefully about how to manage this & it was incredibly tough, but I think went as well as we could have hoped). We're not even 3 months from the point that their 'dad' moved out, but the children are doing okay. As you would expect, they've each responded differently (my children have very different personalities!) & are at different stages of grieving the loss of their 'dad' and acceptance of the transition. We're still working through many things; issues around co-parenting, contact, new routines, the financial settlement, what the children call her as well as supporting the children to try to express and understand their emotions. Each day is a new day though & children will 'see' things and respond to things in the way that only children can - in many ways I think their resilience & acceptance is far greater than any adult.

My key advice would be to do you all you can to build a strong, support network around you & your children. You will be the stability for them amongst all the change & whilst your focus will be on your children, you will need people looking out for your needs. For me, these key people have not been my family, but a few close trusted friends, a minister from my church & my therapist. They have helped and guided me through the difficult decisions, helped me to grapple with which worries and concerns I need to act on & which can be put aside (either for good or just temporarily).

Just hang on to the fact that everything will be okay, it may be a bumpy ride, but your children are safe and loved, they will be fine.