Okay, so I feel like I need to jump in here and say a few things I have said before.  I don't know how eloquent I will be, so bear with me.

Aside from being strong for yourself, knowing that you aren't alone, knowing that we are all feeling the same things (which is a huge relief, really), let's ground ourselves a bit to understand what is going on a little more.

First, we have to erase all ideas of what gender is.  Sex is the term that describes whether you are male or female.  Gender is the predescribed role that we are expected to play based on our sex.  We are told at a young age, even if you grew up in a "progressive" household, that women are the nurturers and men are the bread winners, the ones who 'fix' things.  That is an example.  We are told girls wear dresses and boys don't cross their legs or like playing with dolls.  These ideas and too many others to list are imbedded into our tiny brains at a young age.  Even if our parents don't have a problem with you, as a girl, playing sports or liking math or whatever, it is still brought into our households through media, and through interactions with others in society that you have to act and present yourself a certain way.  If you sit down and really think about what it is to be a woman, almost everything you come up with, besides having a vagina, is based on what society has told us or what we have been doing for 200,000+ years.  Some of it came naturally.  Women are more apt to being nurturers because they are the ones who give birth and have to tend to children.  But we are finding, now that women are able to go out into the work force and take care of their family, that men can also be nurturers and are great at it, just as great, if not better than we are...in some instances.  There was a study that just came out in 2014 that showed that men and women have the exact same brain functions, but in different locations of the brain.  Estrogen and Testosterone can play a role in how our brains function, but it is very different for each person.  There is a myth in the trans community that estrogen gives you empathy.  How many of you whose husbands are taking hormones have seen a greater sense of empathy from them?  Not me, and I am sure not you either.  Because if that were the case, they would stop taking those hormones for your sake.  Look at transgender FtM.  Most of them go to the extreme, like our partners, of what it is to be the opposite sex they were born as. Watch them walk.  Listen to them talk.  I would never be attracted to a man who acts like most of these women act as men. It is grossly overstated.   I think we need to do away with the terms masculine and feminine, if we want people to stop trying to fit in to society.

Anyway, once you realize that everything you know that makes you female is mostly a myth put on us by society, you can know look at your partner and know that everything they think makes a woman (or man) is false.  They are following what society dictates, just like we all do, I'm not saying I don't follow those stereotypes to some degree or another.  And that is where you can start your discussion with them, your partners.  Questioning why they think being a woman means wearing make-up or having four inch stilettos, or talking like a 13 year old with a high voice, and questioning them what they think being a man is, wearing plaid? fixing the car? not crying?   You have to erase that myth for them as well.  Whether or not it gets them to stop, that's up to them, and don't hold out hope.  (I personally like and hate the idea that I have made my husband question everything he believes to be true about gender.  I like that he is squirming, but I feel bad that he has to)

We also need to understand that because of these myths, when a person deviates from them, or feels like they want to, it becomes a greater issue.  I think you have to have a mental disorder, or illness, or something for it to escalate.  Like anorexics, or alcoholics, or people who believe they should have been a dog, or been born without a limb, or a meth head or a schizophrenic, there is no shut off to the thoughts of being imperfect.  "I don't fit in with society because as a girl, I don't wear dresses or make-up, and I love sex, and I stand up for myself."  Most of us, can accept those thoughts and leave it at that, knowing that we don't have to prescribe to societal norms.  But there are others who can't stop there, because they don't fit in and they desperately want to fit in however they possibly can and think the only way to fit in is to be exactly what they are told they need to be...skinny, pretty, manly...the list goes on with every kind of neurosis to back it up.  Our subconscious is an asshole, is what it comes down to.

This is a brain glitch.  I think my husband is a perfect example of this brain glitch.  He is an alocoholic.  He is constantly looking for outside sources to make him feel better about himself.  He is social, but doesn't have any close friends.  He needs acceptance from others to feel right about himself.  It's a glitch.  Some synapse somewhere failed to connect or spark and it keeps him in this cyclical pattern that builds each time.  "I don't fit in.  I have to fit in.  Since I don't follow completely the ideas of being a man, then I must be a woman.  That is how I will fit in. Everyone will accept me (or have to) if I am a woman."  OR from a different perspective, the woman who feels that she will be accepted if her boobs were bigger, or her butt tighter, or her forehead had no lines, or her lips fuller....it's the same thing.

Okay, I think that's all I got for now.  Understanding how our brains work helps.  But I am ready to give up, because no one really cares about that part.  About the obvious things.  There is no data, no solid research, nothing that says, feeling like you were born in the wrong body is a medical condition.  It is not some biological anomoly.  Even with intersex people...they don't have those feelings very often, and if they do, usually, hormones will help them feel more normal.  They get the help that they need.  A person with an extra X chromosome isn't told to transition.  They are given more testosterone to boast their mood.  It is a solid excuse, though, for a person to not feel like they 'fit in'... but it generally doesn't dictate them wanting to be the opposite sex.  No evidence for this to be a thing.  

And for anyone who just came on board here, I am all for everyone being treated equally.  As much as I believe that people who transition are doing something very unhealthy, I don't think they should be discriminated against.

So basically, our minds are assholes.  Our subscious holds on to all sorts of information and never sorts out what is real or true.  

Be strong no matter at what point you are in this situation.  Know that there are others out here who have felt betrayl, guilt, lost, and all sorts of wonderful emotions put upon us by our partners and society.  And don't feel bad for collapsing to your kitchen floor crying like you've never cried before.  You need that.  All of this hurts and, as my therapist said, the only thing he really can say, "this is a fucked up situation and you are doing the best you can."