Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
The mania of first finding out my partner was transfemme has faded. It’s no longer the lowest of hysteric lows and highs of feeling ecstasy and normalcy.
ive settled into a very solid, flat depression. I’m not crying all the time but sometimes I wish I didn’t exist.
I am so confused and I feel as though I’m possibly dissociating. I just want to feel better, but I’m not sure what else I can do. I am seeing a therapist twice a week. I do not take any medications for anxiety or depression. My therapist thinks my depression is situation, which I agree with. I have never felt this kind of depression in my life, but it is swallowing me. I would do anything to feel better. What should I do?
my partner is non binary right now, but that could mean so many different things. If they didn’t change their body and I would be okay. Everyone says “they’re still the same person!” But I’m not sure what makes a person a person anymore. Do their physical characteristics and style not help build my image of them? Do I not get to decide whether I have a husband or a wife one day? Anyone is entitled to do with their body what they will, but how do we cope with the uncertainty oh who our partner will become? How can we have agency over our lives when they revolve so intimately around other people who we have no control over?
Im trying to find some peace of mind. I thought my partner was the love of my life. Maybe they still are. Are they different? The same? Do the differences compromise my love? How can they be gone when they’re right in front of me? These questions haunt me. I’m not seeing my therapist this week because we are traveling to my partners home town. Their parents don’t know yet. Only one of their friends there knows. It feels as though this could be my last hurrah with them as the boy I fell in love with. With the same family dynamic, one that I’ve come to be a part of, one that I’ve come to love dearly.
i suppose I’m not as open as thought I was. I want to stop experiencing this grief.
My spouse says he does not want to transition. But I know that is how he feels at this moment and it could change at any time (mtf still presenting male and using male pronouns). On my worst days, I sleep through most of the day, have no appetite, and don't care much about anything. At other times I have a period of totally accepting - even a little excitement for my spouse. I want to help change their life for the better. Most days are somewhere in between with a lot of questions churning in my head. Many the same as yours.
I can't say I have answers to them, but there are certain things I believe. I believe that they DO feel like the same person to themselves, BUT my spouse presented someone to me who at best was incomplete and misleading. I did not know this and I fell in love with the person who was presented to me. They have a lot in common with the person I am now getting to know, but they are not the same. And gender identity and presentation ARE part of the person's identity. That does not mean it can't be fluid nor does it mean gender association is good or bad. But you fell in love with what you were given at the time and that has changed. And you are entitled to feel whatever you feel about it without you being a bad person or needing to feel guilty about it. Also, your sexual orientation is just as important as their gender identity. It is worth exploring whether or not you are more flexible than maybe you thought, but it is not a given that you are. Also, it may take a long time to reach a conclusion about this. You cannot push yourself into an answer.
Personally, I am opting for medication because I think depression is a vicious circle and once you get sucked in, it is hard to escape its gravity. I have been on Wellbutrin for about 3 months. I can't tell... it might be working a bit, but my therapist thinks Cymbalta might work better so I may try to switch soon and see.
I probably spent too long in therapy discussing how to deal with and communicate with my spouse but he is stuck in a place where I cannot move forward until he gets better at talking about it, so my therapist and I are going to focus more on me alone and isolate what I can do on my own to feel better. It's a slow process. I have patience, but I do want so badly to be in a better place.
Besides therapy and medication, I write a lot. It helps me. Also, the friendships and support I get here are an immense help. Find a couple of things that give you joy and some things that make you feel strong, and focus on them. Make huge efforts to ensure those things are in your life. Mine are probably being outdoors/hiking, volunteering for things my kids are involved in, and maybe my pets. Also certain friends and family members that make me smile and feel relaxed.
Feel free to message me if you want to chat. Sorry. I wish I could be more helpful. Sending you virtual hugs <3
I want to much to be able to help you, but others are certainly more 'qualified' than me. GR has laid it out perfectly, so really, all I can say is "what she said." However, I would encourage you to stay open-minded about medication - you are in a situation that is going to take a long time to resolve and the longer depression stays around, the more difficult it is to remove. I know it's very difficult, but try to shift your focus of thinking from the fear of not knowing how this is going to end to your own well-being. You are responsible for yourself, not your SO. However this pans out, you want and need to be the healthiest you that you can be, so start being selfish and dedicate time and resource to your own mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. You will undoubtably have some big decisions ahead of you - you need to be sure that your 'head' is in the right place to make those decisions. Take care.
I know the depression you are speaking of, and I know the uncertainty as well. Keep taking care of yourself, even if it doesn't seem like it's possible today. I started doing yoga which is helpful and I started going back to the gym. Distract yourself with your favorite show to give yourself a break.
I think I'm in a similar situation. I'm not as functional as I used to be, and even the good moments seem bittersweet. I am going to echo others and say you should consider medication. I am planning on that myself, but a bit frightened of potential side effects, and in a situation where it isn't easy to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. Take care of yourself, and remember we are here to help you through.
I have only seen a therapist a couple of times,, but I thought I could get through this on my own. I was wrong! I really appreciate all of you for your support and insight in dealing with these feelings. We share so many of the same feelings and circumstances. I wish none of us had these problems, but at least we are not alone.
Somehow I seem to have avoided the deep depression. I was heading that way, but I somehow managed to distract myself, convince myself that I could get through this, did lots of writing, talked to the therapist and my partner, and I am in an ok-ish place (still utterly lost and unhappy but not in any state of depression or anxiety), am functioning ok in my day to day life, and don't feel the need for any meds. However, if like the others above you really find yourself getting deeper and deeper into it, meds certainly have a place, and as they have said, they can and do help. I'd suggest speaking to your doctor.
I totally understand the unknowns too, I am in a similar place. My partner is gender fluid at the moment, but seems to be edging more and more to the female side of it, and I really fear the future - as does he.
Take care xxxx