Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hi all, I’m new to the group. I’m about a month in to this transition. My boyfriend of 4 years, best friend of 6 years, roommate of 5 years, came out to me as transfemme, non-binary. They now use they/them pronouns.
Prior to this we had been discussing getting married, having a child, spending the rest of our lives together. I’d never been so head over heels for someone in my life. I was more than happy and content in our relationship.
im also someone who puts a lot of value on people and family. I’m also fairly type a, I like to plan, I like to execute a plan. This just wasn’t part of it. I understand I’m not in control of their personal journey, but I can’t help but miss the boy I thought I was going to spend my life with. I miss their clothes, their vibe, and I fear I’m going to lose their body. I know I should love them for who they are, but I’m also very attached to and connected to the little details. Their hair, their stubble, their body. I miss occasionally playing the gender role of girlfriend to boyfriend. I miss breaking those gender roles, as I was never one to be girly. I often took on tasks generally considered male. I’m the strong and powerful one. I am 24 year old cis woman, struggling to find my place in my career. I dream of being a mother some day.
they have spoken about their interest in hormones and even want bottom surgery to be on the table, even though they say they would probably still identify as non binary.
i just can’t seem to part with my memories and looking back on them so fondly. The worst part is that I can’t even fully remember what they were like anymore. They’ve become them, not he. I feel like I’ve lost my sweetheart.
Our families were each other’s family. My parents accepted my partner whole heartedly and I just don’t know how I’m going to balance this new change. We used to see hem every weekend for dinner but now my partner is afraid to even see them. My mom knows, but not my dad. Still figuring out how to tell him.
I don’t want to break up and I love them so dearly but I am just so, so sad. I miss the partner I thought I had.
Does anyone relate to this? Or have similar feelings to share? Has anyone gotten through this and have any tips? I feel like my whole life is crumbling. All of my friends are queer and I feel so much guilt having the feelings I do. I can’t talk to them about this and I am so, so alone. I’ve tried and been judged and rejected. I wouldn’t be phased if it wasn’t my partner. I just don’t want to say goodbye. I love them. I don’t know how to stop grieving who I thought they were. I feel a little bit duped, like I’ve wasted time, and like I’ve sacrificed everything just because all I wanted to do previously was be with them and build a family with them. Which seemed to right before. There’s just so much to worry about now...
please if if anyone has any input, I really need a friend.
YES! Yes (see vast amounts of posts here). Not yet but we're working on it.
Tips? First one is therapy, individual for each of you as needed and also as a couple. It will help with all the rest.
I did not have to deal with family planning because my kids were already here when my spouse was outted. But that is a big one. You two need to talk about that in particular ASAP and come to a resolution, whether it be a sperm bank, getting pregnant before hormones, adopting, deciding not to have kids, or splitting up.
I can definitely relate to being not-girly and doing a lot of the man's work around the house. When I was younger, I was less comfortable with being a tomboy, but once in a steady relationship with a "man", I felt more at ease because I knew no matter how I acted, in comparison, I was always more female. Now that is gone and I am a bit uncomfortable again. It has taken a lot to find ways to feel strong in myself so that my confidence does not get rattled. At least I am old enough now to know my strengths and I anchor myself around them. Also, it is important to have open and frank discussions about chores so that you do not feel like you got stuck doing everything and then get bitter about it.
As far as grieving, and missing masculine characteristics, and feeling duped, and alone and guilty. Those are all normal feeling. You are allowed to grieve and process your losses and that does not make you a bad person. You may have to lean on your less queer friends for that support.
Good luck. Hope you find what you need here <3
I love my husband dearly, I can't imagine living without him. No one in my family knows, as he still uses masculine pronouns and dresses male. My family would not understand if they knew, and I would be further isolated and he doesn't want anyone else to know. He told his adult children, they told the grandchildren and then they all dropped the subject. His kids are all hurting, and he does not have a good explanation for them, he can't explain how he feels. Honestly he is a bit of a coward on that regard. He bemoans the fact that his children are not supportive, but does not address with them the fact that they are struggling to understand what it all means.
And about being a woman.....I am confident with him in my role, but there are times, like when we recently shopped for lingerie, when I thought "does he like this for me? Or does he want to get it for himself?" And that is uncomfortable. It is all hard to decipher.
I’m struggled a lot with coming to terms with how I perceive gender roles. How I interacted with them previous to my partners transition, which roles I took on and whatnot. And I think a lot of us have felt the comfort of having a man be sexually interested in us, and that validating our role as a woman. Which honestly, I think is a way the patriarchy has brainwashed us. We should be allowed to be women, no matter who we are with, no matter what we partake in, no matter who we have sex with. The validation we feel from the male gaze is a method used to control women so we feel we need to do something to please men. Though I don’t think this is even something anyone is partaking in consciously, it’s something we’ve all participated in, especially in many cis heterosexual relationships. So when your male partner suddenly starts dressing more femininely, we start seeing them more as competition, like we are less of a woman because they’re not a man. I do not think that is the case, though I have most certainly had that feeling. It’s an uncomfortable dynamic, but your partner chose you because they love you. And because they love the woman you are, not because they want to be you. They just want to be more of who they already are, and they want to express that with you.
It is all very complicated and I am navigating similar feelings, but this is what I have gathered after a month of therapy, conversations with my wonderful (though sometimes volatile) partner, and really through some soul searching of my own. It’s hard to be a woman, even as a cis woman. Imagine what your partner must feel like.
You’ve got this juliel! It is a hard road, but keep your chin up, we’re all working through this together and we will find our way, hopefully by the sides of our sweethearts (as long as we want it, and as long as they still treat us well and are good partners!)