Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
My spouse and I have been together for over 12 years and married for 6. A few years ago they came out to me as a cross-dresser. Although, they say they mentioned it when we first started dating when they said a female Halloween costume I complimented was "something they had lying around" (I though it was items from their ex-girlfriend). Obviously, communication is not our strong suit.
Since coming out they've been going more and more feminine; growing out their hair, buying fake breasts and female clothing, wearing eyeliner to work. But, they have not come out to anyone in our immediate circle. In fact, they've only come out to a high school friend that lives across the country. Most of the major milestones I've found out by searching through their online profiles and online reasearch to enable me to ask the right questions. At the moment I'm being told they identify as a "chick with a dick", and they want to take hormones, but only estrogen. My spouse has always been very sensitive and introverted so the idea of them moving more toward typical feminine traits doesn't shock me. I tend to be the decision maker and caretaker in our relationship and am also the breadwinner so our gender roles have never been tradtional. I've tried to be as supportive and loving as I can, but I'm reaching the end of my rope. I so long to be the one who is cared for and to not feel like I'm going through all this alone.
They've told me they don't care if I tell my friends, but they do care if I tell their family, but I feel like it's not my story to tell and I don't want to do the "coming out" for them.
As a survivor of childhood abuse I hate secrets and I feel like I'm carrying a whopper of one by myself. I also feel like I'm mourning the death of my husband, but I'm the only one who knows he's gone.
In any case, it helps to know I'm not alone. So, thank you all for your openess and honesty.
I too am keeping this secret. My partner has told no one other than me, his GP and the gender clinic. Our children don't know. I sometimes wish he would just come out and then at least I can talk to people about it. I find the hiding one of the hardest aspects.
He (and he uses male pronouns) has just started oestrogen only HRT, just under 2 weeks ago.
I know exactly what you mean, about mourning the loss of your husband. I can feel my man going away and is being replaced by someone new, and it's hard.
Do you, either or both of you, have a therapist? It's good to have someone to talk to, especially if you are finding it so hard to keep this to yourself.
You of course, also have us to talk to here, and we do understand.
Sending hugs.
The mourning is hard as my partner tells me they're the same person they always were! But, I don't feel that to be true AT ALL. They are changing, and I miss our old life. It doesn't mean I can't love who they are or will be, but I don't think they understand this is a transition for me as well.
But the most hurtful part is that it feels like he never truly loved me in the first place. He's so cold and if I cry, he somehow finds a way to make it about him or he just doesn't know what to do so he just leaves the room. I feel like I've been grieving for an entire year and all I want is for us to get through this and end things while providing the support that we each deserve. Unfortunately, I think his plan is to run straight to starting hormones and it almost feels like the past 12 years have meant nothing. We were best friends... how can this be happening... I'm devastated... I know this is a rant, but as I'm sure you know, there isn't much support out there for spouses.
Also, I think the "same person they always were" is the big lie the trans community tells us. Now, I can only speak to my experience, but my spouse is absolutely not the same person - and I am not talking about just the physical changes. The changes in my spouse go right down to her very core. Now, that doesn't;t mean the person she has become is a bad person or unlovable or anything like that, but she is NOT the person I married.
Good luck to you.
http://www.straightspouse.org
I suggest you check out this place. They also have a message board. Many of the people here have been or are going through the divorce process, so it is a little different feel than this board has. It is a wealth of support and information though. I think you will find some stories similar to your own, and it will may help shed some light on your spouse's behavior.
And of course, we are also here for you.
Our therapist, who is LGBTQ-trained and has other trans patients, says that it is a typical response when you realize you are trans, to lie and pretend to fit in and to be unaware of some communication problems that exist in their relationships. They need to become aware of unhealthy coping mechanisms they have developed and retrain themselves to react better. It takes a lot of time and a lot of work!
I too feel an emptiness when I long to be cared for. It seems like it is related to losing your husband, or at least losing someone who played that role. My husband was never really good at it and I always longed for it, but I think the sadness now is realizing that I may NEVER get it.
Hang in there.... we're here!
It is sad and frustrating to want to be taken care of by your husband every now and then, and know that you are on your own and he'll never be the masculine person you'd like him to be. You learn to take care of yourself. Which is not a bad thing, but sometimes it would be nice to be the "girl" for a change!
It's comforting to know that you all understand and are so supportive.
I think one thing that is difficult is that every situation and relationship is different and complex. The challenge is to peel away all the layers to get at the core and then slowly work your way out. Sometimes, the trans issues are the least of the problems! My spouse and I made a conscious decision to try our best to stay together... that we wanted to be together if possible. So then, I laid down some very basic needs to be met in order to proceed. Like I insisted on therapy (individually and as a couple). If he had not been willing, I would have told him that if our relationship was important to him, then he would have to make it a priority. We also decided together that absolute honesty was a must (that was a challenge in the beginning). Anyway, we attack one issue more or less at a time, and we have barely touched on anything transgender yet. It is going very slowly. This is good and bad. The best part is that I don't feel like it is all coming at me at once -- and it doesn't feel like a jumbled up ball of knots.
Anyway, it sounds like you are going through some tough stuff. Hang in there and feel free to vent and get support here <3
http://www.annelawrence.com
it really surprises me how many people now have sexual dysphoria . its the product of our age where sex is so prevalent its everywhere , sexy women oh god, ! we all want to be her not only women but some men to. i wrote a journal on abuse, some times i wonder if my trans sexual ism came from abuse . but what ever the case its getting more common i personally see no cure, but i have seen some get bored and quit for a while guess thats what you got to do dont go out with him that way dont want to make it exciting, make it so easy it becomes boring and looses it thrill . oppose him makes it more exciting dont want that.