Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
So today we visited the psychiatrist for the second time. We were a bit nervous this time around because the last we left it, the psychiatrist was all, "Oh you just have a sexual fantasy." My spouse opened the session remarking on this, saying that this made him feel invalidated. The psychiatrist apologized and thanked my spouse for being honest. The psychiatrist went on to say that he take the notion of diagnosising someone very seriously. For example, an episode of major clinical depression is very different than someone who is feeling blue. (I'm paraphrasing a bit here!) The doctor affirmed that that only my spouse can know who ze is and he is here to help to get where ze needs to be.
We confirmed that the new meds were going well. The psychiatrist welcomed us to ask some questions that we wanted to ask the endocrinologist.
The psychiatrist noted that I seemed "polarizing" which kind of upset me. I explained that I'm open to a lot of things, but it just seemed to me that hormones would feminize my spouse and I would think of them as a woman and I'm not interested in women, so yeah.
I went into the appointment unsure if my spouse still wanted to see an endocrinoglist. Yesterday he said that if hormones were my deal breaker, then he wouldn't even try it, but it sounded like he was sad because he wanted to try it. *Sigh* Sometimes I feel like I have to cut off all my emotions to deal with this. But I'm glad he wants to go because it sounds like that's what he wants to do.
Anyway, overall, I thought the appointment was positive. My spouse has a follow up appointment in a month and I think he can go to that appointment by himself.
Before all that, our couples therapy appointment didn't go well. I felt positive going into it, but then, the therapist was all like, "Is your relationship working?" And then my spouse chimed in, "Oh! We were totally thinking about divorce last month!" I felt like these two people were decided right then and there that we should just get divorced. I became very visibly upset and stopped talking. At this point, I'm thinking I don't want to go back to couples therapy. I think part of the problem is that my spouse wants to please or argue with whomever he's talking to at that moment. The therapist seem to think we weren't making any progress and that we shouldn't be together.
So, yeah, I'm thinking maybe we should stop couples therapy for now.
Sounds like you need couples therapy more than ever. Maybe before going again, go through a bunch of things. First think seriously about what the therapist said and why it made you upset. If you deep down think there is some truth to it, it could be as upsetting as being told you shouldn't be together when you feel you should. But give yourself a moment to reflect on the interaction you had and your response before going back. Then confront your spouse (nicely but firmly) and push them to say if they think you should stay together and if so, why did they react like they did at couples therapy. Why did they bring up divorce? Then, decide to either go back and confront the therapist or find a new one. If you go back to that one, make it clear that you are both trying to find a way to stay together and if they can't support it, then you find another therapist. Be strong. Don't roll over and let your spouse and therapist steamroller you.
About the psychiatrist and the hormones... I know. Sometimes we support even if we are not feeling it. Why? Because we think it is the "right" thing to do. Because we hope our feelings eventually catch up. Because we know in the long run we cannot stop this train. I don't know. But it is hard. I struggle with it every day, swinging from one side to another. Why did you decide not to go back to that doctor with your spouse? I know sometimes it is too much to be so involved in it all. I'm just curious.
I don't know what he meant by polarizing. But if it upset you, it is worth exploring. I am finding for both my spouse and I, the biggest moments of progress seem to follow an incident where something said upsets one of us. Usually it is me saying something to him that he hadn't thought about and it just opens his mind to something he had been repressing.
My fingers are crossed so hard for you. Sending good vibes....
Spouse is going to talk to his personal therapist regarding if we should see her together or not. Maybe I'll take a break before going again. I feel a little embarrassed now that this will have been the third couples therapist that we have seen. I really don't know how to make these sessions productive, particularly if my spouse has a hard time explaining his feelings in the session. My spouses' needs seem to change daily and I'm not really sure how to meet those needs. I'm not sure how to explain my needs without either being dismissed or smoke blown up my butt. Sigh. I'll think about going again, but I just feel really exhausted right now.
Oh, you mean about me not going to the next psychiatrist meeting? I guess I feel like I've communicated what I need to the psychiatrist. I also find myself explaining my spouses's feelings to others, I think maybe this is part of the problem. I do a lot of explaining for him and he needs to understand himself on his own merits. I ask my spouse if it was ok that I don't go to the next appointment and he said he was fine with it.
I think what the psychiatrist meant by polarizing is that I have a polarizing view of gender. Like it's an either/or. I don't really view myself like that, but I suppose I do see that gender as a binary and hormones are part of that binary. I think what's difficult for me is that my spouse doesn't have a highly tuned sense of self, so if my spouse wants to identify as non-binary, I really don't know what that means for him and our relationship at this point.
Like at this point what I know about my spouse is he likes shaving his body hair, he likes to be called ma'am sometimes and wants to occasionally be the "sub" in our sexual life. He wants to be more connected with his emotions and he feels like a fake a lot of times.
I guess this is a process, but I'm a bit tired more than usual. I'm going to go treat myself to some hot chocolate now. Thanks for listening! *hugs*
My spouse also has a hard time explaining himself. I feel like the therapist and I always have to guide him along and pull it from him and he resists so hard. Sometimes he will just stop talking or not answer and say he will think about it and let me know when he finds the answer. Then he never gets back to me. In this way, the therapist and I commiserate together over how hard it is to learn anything from him.
Enjoy your hot chocolate. Sounds like a good thing to counter the freezing rain outside!
We've been going at it almost 8 months and my spouse is slowing getting better at opening up, but still not great at it.
Thank you GR for mentioning this! It makes me feel so much better knowing that my spouse isn't the only one that has a difficult time talking about his feelings.
I realize that my spouse is being asked to consider things he's never had to think about before. So, I guess for my spouse, it's confusing and overwhelming for him. But I guess I also have a hard time because, he told me that he thinks he's a trans woman, so one would think that he has various thoughts on that and what that would mean for his life. But I guess for me, he hasn't really thought about it too much before he told me.