Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
While I wish I had no need to join your group, I am thankful to have found a forum of like-minded people.
So, let me see if I can make a long story short......
About 10 months ago (just a week before our 19th anniversary, in fact), my husband pulled me aside and told me that he was a crossdresser. He explained that it is something he has done since he was a little boy, but he insisted that it wasn't something he HAD to do and would stop if I wanted him to. However, he asked that I not say anything right away and to please try to live with it for awhile. We were in the middle of major, unplanned home repairs and some other things that were very stressful, so I agreed. He also said this was something our friends and family didn't know about and he really didn't want our kids (girls, 15 and 13) to know. I didn't think much would change. I mean he had managed to hide this for the past 20 years, and I thought he would just continue to do the same thing. (Side note... my husband travels for a living and is gone 3 or 4 days a week. We even have a condo in another city that he usually flies out of, so it was easy for him to hide this.)
Anyway, I was way wrong about nothing changing. He started wearing jewelry, a bra, lip gloss, and tinted moisturizer. When I told him it was too much and I didn't like it, his response was to change into a heavier shirt that hide the bra straps, tuck the jewelry inside the clothing, etc. instead of taking of the bra, jewelry, etc. I searched the internet to learn all I could about this, and I came to the conclusion that my husband is not a crossdresser but is, in fact, transgendered. Of course, I am no expert, but I was not be truthful with me or himself if he really believed he could stop at any time. It was also when I realized that my marriage was over. I knew this was only going to get worse, and I don't want to be married to a woman or a man who is presenting as a woman.
The timing was bad though. My oldest daughter's birthday was right around the corner, then a family vacation (obviously planned and paid for before I knew any of this), then the holidays, so I decided to bide my time. Some months later, I broached the subject of a separation, but what he said made me stop in my tracks. (Some background... this is his second marriage. His first marriage ended after he cheated on his wife. However, he always blamed her for the divorce. He admitted to making a huge mistake but says he wanted them to go to counseling and make the marriage work. He says she was wanting to divorce him but used his one night stand as an excuse to do so while making him look like the bad guy.) He said that I had been unhappy a really long time and I was using his crossdressing as an excuse to do what I have wanted to do for years. See a pattern? Anyway, he fought tooth and nail to pay his first wife as little as possible. He said he was more than willing to support is kids but felt the support payments were too high because she was using them to support herself as well. That was why I didn't pursue a separation. I figured to hold off until I could speak to an attorney. I needed to know the laws in my state, and my priority became doing whatever I needed to do to protect me and my girls. This has already cost us a great deal (a marriage, a husband, and a father), and I want to do my best to make sure it doesn't cost us any more.
So, I spoke to an attorney. My state does not recognize a separation. Unless one spouse files for divorce, there are no protections in place. In other words, one of us could empty out a bank account, run off with the kids, etc, and the other person would have no legal recourse. Right now, I do not have enough money to even pay the attorney's retainer. I really thought my marriage was forever and have, over the years, let my savings dwindle. I will call an older brother to ask for a loan. That is something that is so unbelievably hard for me to do, but whatever it takes to take care of me and my girls, right?
So, this is getting long, and I don't know if any one will even read it or make through to the end. Just writing it out has been therapeutic though. Starting over at 50 is hard, and I'm scared. Staying and not doing anything scares me more though.
May we all find a better tomorrow.
Lynn
So, let me see if I can make a long story short......
About 10 months ago (just a week before our 19th anniversary, in fact), my husband pulled me aside and told me that he was a crossdresser. He explained that it is something he has done since he was a little boy, but he insisted that it wasn't something he HAD to do and would stop if I wanted him to. However, he asked that I not say anything right away and to please try to live with it for awhile. We were in the middle of major, unplanned home repairs and some other things that were very stressful, so I agreed. He also said this was something our friends and family didn't know about and he really didn't want our kids (girls, 15 and 13) to know. I didn't think much would change. I mean he had managed to hide this for the past 20 years, and I thought he would just continue to do the same thing. (Side note... my husband travels for a living and is gone 3 or 4 days a week. We even have a condo in another city that he usually flies out of, so it was easy for him to hide this.)
Anyway, I was way wrong about nothing changing. He started wearing jewelry, a bra, lip gloss, and tinted moisturizer. When I told him it was too much and I didn't like it, his response was to change into a heavier shirt that hide the bra straps, tuck the jewelry inside the clothing, etc. instead of taking of the bra, jewelry, etc. I searched the internet to learn all I could about this, and I came to the conclusion that my husband is not a crossdresser but is, in fact, transgendered. Of course, I am no expert, but I was not be truthful with me or himself if he really believed he could stop at any time. It was also when I realized that my marriage was over. I knew this was only going to get worse, and I don't want to be married to a woman or a man who is presenting as a woman.
The timing was bad though. My oldest daughter's birthday was right around the corner, then a family vacation (obviously planned and paid for before I knew any of this), then the holidays, so I decided to bide my time. Some months later, I broached the subject of a separation, but what he said made me stop in my tracks. (Some background... this is his second marriage. His first marriage ended after he cheated on his wife. However, he always blamed her for the divorce. He admitted to making a huge mistake but says he wanted them to go to counseling and make the marriage work. He says she was wanting to divorce him but used his one night stand as an excuse to do so while making him look like the bad guy.) He said that I had been unhappy a really long time and I was using his crossdressing as an excuse to do what I have wanted to do for years. See a pattern? Anyway, he fought tooth and nail to pay his first wife as little as possible. He said he was more than willing to support is kids but felt the support payments were too high because she was using them to support herself as well. That was why I didn't pursue a separation. I figured to hold off until I could speak to an attorney. I needed to know the laws in my state, and my priority became doing whatever I needed to do to protect me and my girls. This has already cost us a great deal (a marriage, a husband, and a father), and I want to do my best to make sure it doesn't cost us any more.
So, I spoke to an attorney. My state does not recognize a separation. Unless one spouse files for divorce, there are no protections in place. In other words, one of us could empty out a bank account, run off with the kids, etc, and the other person would have no legal recourse. Right now, I do not have enough money to even pay the attorney's retainer. I really thought my marriage was forever and have, over the years, let my savings dwindle. I will call an older brother to ask for a loan. That is something that is so unbelievably hard for me to do, but whatever it takes to take care of me and my girls, right?
So, this is getting long, and I don't know if any one will even read it or make through to the end. Just writing it out has been therapeutic though. Starting over at 50 is hard, and I'm scared. Staying and not doing anything scares me more though.
May we all find a better tomorrow.
Lynn
I am here.
I am 45 and have been 'married' 24 years (I say that in quotes because I don't know what it really was but stolen years full of lies and deceit).
I was informed of his 'awakening' that he was a female in a male's body via phone 3 months ago.
My children (two girls) are out of the house both working and in college.
My husband started in the same manner, cross dressing - but saying he wouldn't do it around me ... or that he would hide his feminine undergarments under men's clothing.
He has a job that keeps him away from what i now call 'the house' (versus our home), so I guess that's where he has been doing all of this.
He wants me to keep this a secret from our children, our families and our friends... at least "for now" according to him/her
He caught me hook, line and sinker with all his dreamy words and fantasy promises.
So much so, that I had put him and the children first - not thinking that the day would come when I would need back-up finances - for an attorney, bills, living arrangements, etc.
And I too am scared
Thank you for sharing
It helps to know others out there are experiencing similar circumstances
Hopefully, we can all learn from one another
Better days are ahead
Hang in there
I, too, am sorry that you found yourself here. It all just seems so unreal when you first find out, doesn't it? My heart goes out to you,
There are a few things that I'd like you to consider, as you work your way through this. Awareness was very important to me when I finally removed myself from my marriage, decades ago. Without this knowledge, I might still be trapped in a relationship that was destroying me.
You are showing your intelligence when you connect his treatment of his first wife to your current situation. His actions show his character. My ex also fought very hard to keep support money away from me and my children. His reasoning was that, because I had been the one to leave the marriage, while he still wanted to try, then all fault was on me. I was the one who destroyed our family...and he was not going to support me (and the kids we had) because of my selfishness and disloyalty. It didn't matter what he had done to get me to the point of leaving (and it was pretty horrendous...the kind of bad that would make a young mother with 2 kids under the age of two choose to leave, with no marketable job skills and no $ saved). So you are doing the right thing by finding a lawyer and finding a way to fight for what your kids will need.
A quick word on "transgender". If you do your research on-line, you will see all the propaganda put out by the TG community. They portray themselves as poor, misunderstood, suffering people who are unfairly judged and stereotyped. They are noble and self-sacrificing, brave beyond all others, and they are being persecuted for something that is harmless and out of their control.
Be aware that these people have an agenda. My ex used all of their arguments, as he attempted to force acceptance on me. I later found out (after all the mind-games that dismissed what I was SEEING in front of my face) that, just as I had suspected, the core of his crossdressing was centered around sex. Use your own mind. Look at what he does, not what he says. If it doesn't make sense, it's because it doesn't make sense, not because you haven't tried hard enough!
Take the safe settings off your computer and do a search on "crossdressing". Numbers don't lie.
Look up "autogynephilia", and disregard anything claimed by TG support sites (agenda...remember?). I just saw a peer-reviewed research paper that was based on autogynephilic/androphilic grouping...this is NOT a "disproven theory put out by a crackpot", as you will undoubtedly see on support sites. This is the latest research on transgender studies For the full article, google Oxford Journals, "Sex Dimorphism of the Brain in Male-to-Female Transsexuals". Another: Archives of Sexual Behavior, "The Psychometric Structure of Items Assessing Autogynephilia", from 2015.
I am not saying that trans-whatever people are "bad" or sick, if they are up front with it. I am just saying that, if this is hidden from the one person who truly needs to know about it, it becomes a very bad situation. The damage control and coercion to accept that is imposed on a previously unknowing spouse can be quite abusive. Wives need to see this for what it is.
Lynn, stay true to yourself. Your sexuality is just as important is your spouse's. It doesn't matter if your husband wants to transition or not. He is not who he portrayed himself to be.
Hang in there,
Shelly
Shelley, Thank you for your insight. I swear. I have gained more knowledge on this subject than I ever wanted to. It really is confusing because nothing seems to be clearly defined and the lines are all muddled. I have never heard those terms you posted. I quick check has proven interesting. My husband swears he is not gay and is not remotely attracted to men. However, he talks about "her" in such a strange way. It almost seems as if "she" is his mistress or something, so those terms do make sense to me.
You are also right. Mu husband is not who he portrayed himself to be. Looking back I see many things I took as him caring wasn't that at all. For example, we live a couple of hours for a well known theme park. My husband doesn't care for it but the girls and I love to go. He would often encourage us to go and have fun. He just asked that we call when we start to head back. I used to think how sweet. He has no problem with us going out and having fun and doesn't resent us not staying home at all. I even saw his wanting us to call as a way of him looking out for us. Now, of course, I see that he wanted us to leave so he could dress up and be her. He has been putting her ahead of us for years now which means he has been putting himself ahead of us.
I know my eyes will continue to be opened, and I will continue to see things for what they truly were and are, and I'm good with that. All that does is strengthen my resolve and convince me that I am doing the right thing for me and my girls.
Thank you both for staying with my long post. It is nice to be able to "talk" to others who have been there.
Lynn
When my ex would "work late" or on weekends, good-naturedly complaining about his demanding job, I thought it showed his work ethic and willingness to go the extra mile. He would even miss important planned family activities and be able to shrug off his disappointment so easily. I admired him for that.
When he encouraged me to take the kids on vacation without him (when we returned, he had dyed his long hair blond!), I was so thankful for his consideration.
When he locked himself up in the upstairs bedroom, spending every night, after working all day, to finish the bedroom for the kids, I was so grateful that my husband was so motivated and industrious. I did find it strange that he installed a lock on the door to the steps so that the kids would be able to lock themselves in the room (they were young), but he explained that he didn't want them to be able to get to his power tools when he wasn't around. The fact that it also guaranteed that I would not go up there while he was "working" didn't even occur to me...until I came upon a bag of lingerie and porn hidden behind the toolbox
I was always told by my ex that I was naive. I didn't understand why he would think that. But he was right. He didn't like it much when I lost my naivety. But it was a direct consequence of his actions. What he labeled naïve, I labeled trust.
Shelly