I am so sorry to hear you are on a situation like this. It's a very hard situation with little or no guidance/support from professionals but here's a small group where we can at least support one another.

The first thing I want to tell you is that you are not alone. There are many of us that struggled or are struggling with this situation but the most important thing of all this is where do you see yourself in a few years? Where do you want to be in a few years? Those are the questions that will help you determine which path to take.

In my situation not only I but I also know he also struggled. We both wanted to make eachother happy but deep inside we were not happy ourselves. He wanted to live the life he felt made him happy and I wanted to continue living the life I grew up thinking I would live. There was no doubt that we loved each other very much and probably way too much. To me he was the men of my dreams and to him I was his queen. Because of that love we decided to try and manage the situation and make eachother happy. I would accompany him to LGTB events, help him choose clothes, go out as "girlfriends", do his hair, etc...We lived this way for a few years. While I was supporting him, he was extremelly happy but I was not and that made him feel very sad so he would try to make me happy and dress as the man of my dreams but deep inside he was not happy. As the years went by, I felt I was giving more that he was and years later, he felt he was the one giving more. Unfortunately, we broke up for many reasons but we knew deep inside we loved one another but the situation we were both living was not fear for neither one of us. We know have kept distance to give the other the chance to be happy and become the best each one of us could be. To give us the time to heal and forget many things that happened in our lives.

I know every situation is completely different but if you do not see yourself living in this situation sometimes staying can hurt you both. But in the meantime, know that you are not alone. There are many in the same situation that are willing to listen. Feel free to talk, look for support and you will see that you will find a solution.

Wish you the best!

Honestly ladies it's just going to get worse, I put up with the poor me syndrome, for 3 1/2 years. All I can say is it never got better, the person he was is gone, he died, and this crazy mean trans person came out. I always said if you take the confidence of a man and put it in a woman's body, we would all be in trouble. Trans people are unable to have the same compassion as a natural born female, why? Because they really aren't female, they were born male. I hope all of you read this and get out of it ASAP Because if you stay, you will start to lose your confidence, your dignity, you probably will become depressed at some point. Don't let it ruin your health the way it's ruined mine.
Anne

I keep having this problem where he can manipulate everything to his way of looking at everything. At this point we argue about everything and our daughter is crying because of it, but has told me she would kill herself if we got a divorce. She is 8, BTW. I just can't take it anymore. I am at my lowest point and I can't do it. I look back at all of my relationships, which is like 3 and I never really broke up any of them. I don't know if I know how. He is so hateful all of the time that I'm worried my daughter is going to have the same pessimistic attitude as him and this world you just can't do that. The world will eat you alive. I am just so desperate.

Speppi311,

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is devastating. Big hugs to you and your daughter. You are not alone. My situation was similar to annelewis's. Once the Trans person started to come out everything got worse. I experienced his horrible mood swings, lying, manipulation, sexual deviations of all sorts outside the marriage, while being sexually rejected, a suicide attempt by my husband. He always plays the victim. More likely than not, there are other mental illnesses or unresolved childhood traumas at play with these men. They need help. As a society we are ill equipped to help them, and as spouses we are forgotten and lost at sea in all of this mess.

He isn't disfigured. He is changing his sex, and you have not changed your sexual orientation, nor should anyone ask you to. His threats and manipulation are emotionally abusive. Love is not enough. I recommend finding a way out of the marriage. DECIDE you must leave for your health and the health of your daughter. Love yourself first. Do not look back! Look forward. You can do this.

Now, at 59 years old, I finally got the courage to ask for a divorce. Getting to this point has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I stayed for too long, because it took a long time to feel financially secure enough to get out, and I wanted my children to have their daddy. (Understandable, but in hind sight, a mistake) Things started to change when I stopped letting this be a secret and started to talk about it. Thanks to good friends, and this group, I found the courage to take the steps to end my marriage and end the madness. He has been out of the house for nearly three months, and I am finding peace.

I was very close to needing antidepressants to cope with the marriage. Why stay in a marriage where you need antidepressants to cope with it? That is no way to live. As I have learned. I didn't need drugs. I needed out. Without my Ex around I am finding clarity. My confidence and self esteem were destroyed by staying in an insane marriage. I am carrying some pretty deep scars that will make it very difficult to find and build a relationship with a new man. My emotional state is still something of a roller coaster. However those peaks and valleys are growing less extreme and fewer and farther between. Many of the spouses here have left and found the true loves of their lives. There is hope for a happier future. Very few who stay have successful relationships with their Trans spouse. That would be the exception and many of those I doubt.

I have two daughters who are now in their twenties. The divorce is hard on them. There is no time where it will be easier for your daughter. She loves you both and is scared. She should be encouraged to continue to love both of you. It really sounds like you and your daughter could both use professional counseling. This is important -- Build a support system. Start telling friends and relatives you trust what is happening. You'll be surprised where you will find support. Do not isolate yourself.

Keep checking in here. This group is small but full of smart folks who have played a very important part in saving my life. I am ever so slowly finding my way back to me. I feel lucky.

Strength & Courage

speppi311,

I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation, but I am glad you have found your way here. Resources and support for the family left behind is severely lacking.

First of all, I want to tell you to stop wondering if you should have seen this coming or if you did this to yourself by allowing it for so long. I think all of us here could look back and see some telltale signs and kick ourselves for not putting it all together. However, that is unproductive and none of it matters. I will also tell you that you husband would have been doing this whether you allowed it or not. He just would've been hiding it from you.

I also hate the fire/disfigured analogy. Nobody chooses that, so that analogy breaks down right at the beginning.

So, is love enough? Honestly, it wasn't for me. I asked my husband to move out about 3 weeks before our 20th anniversary and about 11 months after he told me. I loved him with all my heart and genuinely thought we would be together forever. Even during the hard times, I never, not once, considered divorce. His news, however, turned my world upside down. I was devastated. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate. Even the simplest of tasks became hard for me to do. I hate to admit it, but I was barely functioning. We have 2 girls (15 and 13 at the time) that I homeschool, and I just couldn't do all that I wanted to do. I managed to regain almost 60 of the 65 pounds that I had lost a year or 2 earlier, and with that weight gain, my health deteriorated.

Meanwhile, he took things farther and farther. He told me he wouldn't do anything drastic without first discussing it with me or at least letting me know. Well, he has been gone 9 months now, and he has changed the main address on all the bank and credit card accounts which meant my charges were getting denied because I didn't have the correct billing address. He started taking female hormones. He had very expensive laser hair removal, He legally changed his name, so I now have to put "her" name on any and all legal documents that ask for my spouse's name. He was out of work for about 3 months or so while the FAA reviewed his medical status and while he had to wait for them to issue him a new license in his new name. And... as we speak he is recovery from facial reconstructive surgery. I also suspect that wasn't his first surgery either. He has also left me to clear out all of his old belongings. Things I can't just give away without his permission because they are his, but things he didn't take when he left. He has told me that I can give his clothes away, but wants me to inventory them first so we can get a tax write-off for them. More work for me. Oh joy.

I know I sound angry and bitter, and that comes and goes. Right now I am because it seems all our appliances are breaking down all at once, and I'm the one who has to take care of all of it. Most of the time I am not though. Not anymore anyway. I do still love my husband, but not the way I used to. I have great compassion for him actually. I think he has a problem and nobody is trying to help him deal with it. There is a reason these men (and to a lesser extent women) feel compelled to dress, act, and live as a member of the opposite sex. There is an underlying factor. The dressing up, etc, is like a drug. It starts out small, but soon dressing up a little bit every now and then isn't enough. They will need to dress up more completely and more often. Then they will need to take medications and maybe even have surgeries. All the while the only help they will receive will be from people trying to make all this self-destruction easier for them. My husband no longer exists. With each step, he was stripped away and replaced by someone I do not know. Someone I do not love. He is not the same person just in a different package. He is, in fact, a different person.

Letting go has been hard, and as far as I have come, I know I haven't been able to let go completely. I know because each new step he takes broadsides me all over again. However, I am so thankful that I am out. Listen to Herstory's advice, and start talking to people. You need to build a support network. Whether you stay or leave, you need a couple of people you can trust and depend on. People who will give you strength when you need it and who will let you cry when you need to.

Now, I am actually enjoying my life. I have gone out and done more in the past 6 months than I have in the past 6 years. I am not whole though. This whole thing has left me with major trust issues. My husband lied to me and deceived me for ever 20 years. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust another man again. I don't know if I will ever be willing to allow myself to love and trust another man that much again because I am afraid of being hurt again. Those are things that only time will tell. For now, I am enjoying life with my girls and my girlfriends. I am trying to focus on all the good things in my life and I am learning to be thankful for the road that got me here.

Ask any questions or feel free to vent. We are all in various stages of this journey, but we are all here to help.

Just remember not to lose yourself trying to support him. To thine own self be true.

:) Lynn