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2songbirds 08/10/2010

I'm wondering myself. I've been finding myself at wits end lately, putting pieces together...the stupidest lil triggers that just set me off.

I'm finding that after 6 months into his recovery (see my latest journal entry from last week), where I'm at....this is our dating anniversary..the FIRST one he's ever ackowledged....we're taking our first vacation in I don't know how many years...but deciding what all we're going to do brought me back to his bday....over 2 yrs ago...the look on his face of pure disgust and disappointment. He eventually started having fun and all within the first hour, but his impression made an everlasting stab in my heart. I vowed to never again do anything like that.

but, anyways, I know that during the first year neither party are supposed to make any drastic changes. However, I feel that I'm using him so to speak....as a babysitter when I work, for his paycheck, etc. Ever since he said to me on two different occasions how he doesn't know how to talk to me, I"ve shut him off...both mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I have no desire. This is telling me this is the end. I am not tough enough....we've fought in front of the kids (all under 7 btw), and I willl NOT stay together because of them. Thats' what my parents did, and my mom went psycho.

I find myself thinking how I can just use him...as he used me throughout the years...or I can do this by myself, withoout anymore daily triggers.

When do YOU call it quits? I know there's other threads with this subject, like 3 strikes and you're out...but, WHEN do you call it quits????

Learningskills 08/15/2010

2song: I went through what you are going through too. The emotional pain was so severe I couldn't even scream it out. I went through so many pain triggers I couldn't think of ever getting past them to any kind of life at all. I was so anxiety ridden and depressed, I thought I would never find my way out. Nightmares, fear, shaking, disoriented. I disconnected from everyone...everyone. I cried through jobs. I couldn't sleep. I journaled, I read, I quit doing anything I didn't want to, that I could cut out of my life. I felt like a raging wounded animal. I have never hurt so bad in my entire life. Words, I know, can't express it really. But, I have been there too.

You will get better. I had to tolerate the pain until it very, very slowly, in tiny little increments got better. I don't know any way around that. I wish I did. But, I promise you this, it will take time, but it will get better. I have residue of the pain, but not 1/10th of a percent of what it was.

Please don't hurt yourself. It WILL get better. My first marriage was horrible. I know in hindsight that the man intentionally messed with my emotions and my mind. I got so depressed, not as bad as this though, and hadn't it been for my spiritual beliefs, I might well have done some very bad. But, I made it through it. And, after I did, looking back, I saw where there were so many things I could have done...but didn't know. So, now when things arise, I KNOW there is life after it, I will be happy again, and there is much I can do to change my situation.

YOU CAN and you WILL, just give it time...I promise!

2songbirds 08/19/2010

so, as I'm still pondering...when DO we call it quits? ..... How long do we give them to change?...... How long do we give us to heal? ..... How do we cope in the meantime? .... I love him, truly do, but this all just seems unbearable to me. No amount of therapy, reading, journaling, screaming, throwing things, etc etc seems to relieve me of this. I dread Sunday night as that marks 6 months of when my world was turned upside down and made to face what kind of addiciton I've been living with (going into the 23rd, 24th,,etc)...however, that also is the first day of our vacation together in several years.

when/how do we know when to call it quits?

Learningskills 08/19/2010

I think that's when we feel we've done all we can. When there seems to be no progress. When we give up on trying. I don't think anyone can say exactly when that is. I know on a personal note that I gave up on my first marriage when I clearly saw that there was no change for the better and that there was no possibility that it would get any better. And, that to stay would be to accept life with him as it was. And, I did'nt want that life. I knew he would never change. and, I knew I would never change either to accept his lifestyle.

I knew that was all there would ever be. That staying was preventing me from seeking life the way I wanted it. That going might provide a chance that staying didn't. By that time it was clear to me. Live like this with no possibility of happiness. Or leave, and take the chance of finding it. One was a sure lose. The other...a possibility. That's how I felt about that when I did leave.

deleted_user 08/21/2010

I've been pondering thise question myself lately (I am at the six month mark since I found the porn on my husband's computer) and I feel like a brick wall fell on me. My marriage wasn't strong before I found out and I believe this is why he relapsed after so much time so I ask myself if it wasn't strong before, how can it survive now? I have so many friends who are divorced and their lives may not be better, but at least they only have themselves to deal with and not the burden of a very damaged marriage to a man who no longer enhanced their lives in any way. However, I realize I am in crisis mode right now and making a decision now is probably not a good idea, but staying is very difficult.
Oddly enough my husband is such a good man, almost to a fault, and in the past this was enough to keep me in the marriage, but now I am not so sure.
I am not in therapy at the moment so I suppose this is something that I should explore, but it feels overwhelming to me right now as do most things.

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