Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
ok, two weeks ago I heard all my husband had sone and trust me there so much more than what I had been told. Thanks to a poloygraphy test he told all. Needless to say the shock took it's toll on my body and I got very sick the day we got home. I am still fighting an ear infection and just starting to feel better. As I watched my husband going on with life being able to work his recovery and move on with his life sometimes I became resentful but alwasy keeping it from blowing up. I see im working hard and trying. The trouble is that he is going for runs in the afternoon and I don't trust him. I don't stop him from going and I don't yell and scream or make a big issue. He came home and was mad because I was not all lovey dove and said that he couldn't live this way(after me only knowing for 2 weeks all he has done). I am not being a crazy woman about this but I also am not going to be his best friend. Last week he took his work phone with him on his walk(the way he would get what he needed for his Addiction) and he said he wouldn;t take it anymore. I just don't know wht to think anymore I am sick of geting upset and not saying anything then he will come in be sweet and tell me how much he loves me this is happening more and more. Any advise? sorry if this is confussing I have a blocked ear and it is making me dizzy. Thaanks for understanding!
I couldn't agree with you more. This is a direct result of his way of living for the past 30 years not mine. Thank you so much sometimes the simplest words make the most power affect.
Poloygraph:
I have to say that the way the therapist handle the disclosure and the 3 days I was there was awesome. My H told me I knew all but 1 thing and when ask how mad on a scale of one to ten i was going to be he said a 4. well, there was a lot more that I didn't know and it was shocking, there was no 100 on the scale. I am glad I know all and glad that now I can make a choice on the truth whether to stay or go. I think my health will have the answer before I make one. I just don't understand how he can not understand why I didnt trust him when he went for a walk and I was calm about that but when he came in and got mad when I was not loving and have been so sick for 2 weeks is just not making sense to me. He will sleep tonight and I will take the beating all inside. He says he cares and loves me yet He stated on the way out the door for his walk " whatever I am going for my walk". All I said was you need to do what you want to do, how did that turn into whatever.
Sheera I am so beat up tonight inside I don't even have the strenght to leave. I have never been more lost in my life and no where to go.
I ran both of my adult children off today because I just can't deal with all this nor do I want them to see me this way.
Essentially sit down with a pen and paper and write out where the trust issues are. Taking the phone with him, being on the computer late, not calling after work, etc. Then make house rules that correlate with those issues: No phones on walk, computer goes off at 8pm, Call when he gets to work and when he's leaving work, etc. Whatever it was that gave him freedom to participate in his addiction, set boundaries to guard the both of you. Then, create discipline for when he breaks the rules. If its a minor rule, he needs to call an accountability partner, then confess to you. If its a major rule, he sleeps on the couch or outside the home, loses phone/computer, etc.
You might be thinking "there's no way in hell a grown man is going to commit himself to these rules" but the reality is its these or the loss of his marriage. You can't have a marriage without trust, and you can't have trust without actions to back it. A normal marriage doesn't have lies and secrecy but yours now does, so words can no longer carry weight. You have to go by what he is doing (or willing to do). Perhaps speak with a counselor about what sort of boundaries to set in place.
Best to you!
Cali is right. If you're willing...and going to try and save the relationship, then you need to sit down and write out all the "enablers" he has used in the past to implement his behaviors and set up boundaries there. Phones on walks...inappropriate access to the computer, hidden phone info, hidden anything that is suspect because of his past behaviors. And, you need to decide...for you...what you will do if he fails to honor those boundaries.
Those are not to control him...but to protect you from feeling threatened and anxiety ridden....and are implemented to set an environment for positive change...if he chooses to do that.
You can't trust someone who is doing things that trigger mistrust. He is a man...and therefore considered logical...ha...notice I said considered. So, maybe he can understand that. He isn't the one who had his trust crashed, so he can't understand the way you feel unless you're able to explain that to him in a way that he can get it. And he needs to know that you are going to actively engage in discouraging any action that will bring you distress....as you know what those are...and you are set on protecting yourself...as you should.
You can discuss those issues with him and ask if he is willing to accept the boundaries. If he isn't...that is his choice to make. You can never make his decisions for him. He has to choose to honor your boundaries and to protect you from as much of the triggers for pain as he possibly can. He needs to care enough to protect you now. If he knows that something triggers distrust and pain, and refuses to stop doing that...then his feelings about your situation are evident. He doesn't care how it affects you. And if he doesn't care how it affects you...then how can a relationship be made? Well, there may be one...but it isn't good and it isn't the one you want...right?
Is he showing remorse for what he has done? Remorse is the true trigger for change. And lack of it??? Well!!! If he has...what does that remorse look like? What "action" does the remorse take? Is he actively trying to reduce any triggers of mistrust or pain? You need to access that...because if he isn't "actively" remorseful...where will the impetus for change come in? These are questions I asked myself. So bear with me...I'm no therapist...just a survivor.
He did agree to a polygraph...that is more than some will do...so that is a sign of interest in the relationship from my outside view. Maybe the psych needs to talk to him about what happens inside a person when trust is destroyed...the result of that destruction...the feelings it invokes...the pain...and fear. Maybe then he can more clearly see how you're feeling and what he needs to do in order to make a difference in the way you feel with him now. Maybe you could speak to the psych about that.
My heart is with you lady. I know how you feel. You are doing what needs to be done...keep focused on the goal...openness...honesty...and care from both sides. That is what a "real" relationship looks like..and it takes both to get there. All that you can do will not affect him if he has no desire to change. But, it can be an open invitation to do so...and give him a chance to try. But either way...you WILL be the winner here. If he turns around...you'll have the relationship you need. If he doesn't...you'll be proud of yourself that you gave him a last chance to try and did everything you could do to save it...him. You'll save yourself anyway...!
He felt ENTITLED to my trust, and did not understand the concept of EARNING trust back, or how fragile trust is. He honestly felt that after just a few months of pretending to be in recovery that I should just get over it, and that my pain and distrust were a burden too heavy for him to have to deal with. And that I was unreasonably 'paranoid.'
Let me tell you, these are manipulation tactics used to shame us into being quiet. When we are quiet, we can't mess with his fantasies. He needs his fantasies in order to fuction and self-soothe.
The risk in trying to work out a marriage/relationship with a sex addict is that you open yourself to more wondering, more what ifs, more pain.... you will have to find a way to have your own boundaries, even mental ones, in order not to go down the road of what ifs. And he should care enough about you and what his actions have put you through to not want you to feel that way, you know? He should be offering to leave the phone at home if it helps you out. He should know that when he puts you at ease, he will in turn see benefit within the relationship.
I'm sorry you are going through this, I remember always wondering and what that felt like. No matter what he does, you are not to blame, and you should not feel ashamed for your anxiety. It's completely natural in this situation.
Oh, I'm so sorry! *big hug* That would be a real deal breaker for me. I've been an absolute emotional basket case, and it's been just under six months (although new things have come to light several times throughout that period, which really makes it feel like I'm beginning the healing process all over again.)
Is he willing to go to counseling? I agree with what everyone else has said about establishing your boundaries, etc, but that is a LOT of work to put on your shoulders right now when you're feeling at your weakest. Having a counselor or therapist (definitely find an addiction specialist - I've found the rest just don't really understand) to facilitate that dialogue may make things enormously easier for you. Is he willing to do any reading on the subject? I know that there are some other resources on these boards that talk about the healing process for the SO of an SA/PA. Particularly, I'm thinking about the literature that talks about the stages of healing, and how long they usually last. Maybe seeing the "official and scientific" literature on the subject would do something to convince him that you're not just overreacting or over emotional. My husband and I are both scientifically minded, so I've asked him to read the actual research paper: "Coaddictive Recovery: Early Recovery Issues For Spouses of Sex Addicts" by Rhonda Milrad, but there are more user-friendly versions that talk about it. Let me know if you need any links - I have a bunch saved.
Oh, hon, let me tell you: part of my willingness to stay and work was DEMANDING full disclosure of all his passwords for computer stuff, access to his phone, his willingness to let me see what's open on his computer at any given time. And I check. Boy do I check. Not as much as I used to, but let me tell you: almost every time I've dug, I've found something. And when I've found the big stuff, I've completely lost it. Completely. Lost. It. Seriously. If I do not let out what I'm feeling at him, I'll explode. To his credit, he has never once expressed irritation at me. Sometimes, he leaves little notes on his computer screen for me, knowing that I'll be on there and looking when he leaves: "Don't look too long - try to get some homework done, too." You're going to be hurting for awhile, and experiencing that is the burden he bears for what he's done. It's really the LEAST he can do. At least, that's my opinion. You're absolutely justified in everything you're doing and feeling right now. *hugs, hugs, hugs*
Definitely set some boundaries. Don't let him get you down. He's probably having some difficulty adjusting to his "new life" without his addiction, but that does not give him the right to be a prick to you, period. And don't let him shift the blame and guilt onto you! I had to deal with an ex who did the same thing after abusing me for two years. I finally got the cojones to leave him, and suddenly I was the bad one? Hmmmm.
Like I said, your H is probably having a difficult time adjusting right now, though what you're going through is undoubtedly worse. We're here for you, girl. <3 Hang in there. -hug-
I went to Hope and Freedom center in houston and Dr Milton Magness was who we saw. I have to say without this I would have NEVER stayed in the marriage. Thank you so much for your help and all that you bring to my life in this trying time.
To all of you that have offered the help I need. Thank you! Boundiers are so hard for me to set and stay with them. I seem to struggle with this everyday in a number of ways in my life. I am a master piece at work when it comes to boundiers!
I feel like the poloy gives me the chance to open up to see if I can forgive him. That is all I can really say but you can only help both of you to know the truth.
Again, thanks so much for this info. I'm going to look into it. Do they offer any financing options?