Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
**I am sorry this is an epic read, by i promise a worthy one.....................
"Mending A Shattered Heart"
A guide for partners of sex addicts....By Stephanie Carnes PH.d
Page 37- 45
Partners of sex addicts commonly demonstrate six stages of personal growth and development. These stages were initially developed by Dr Patrick Carnes. His research focused on sex addicts and their partners. He followed 99 partners of sex addicts over five years, as they progressed from finding out about the addiction to integration of this, in their lives.
These six stages will serve as a model to help guide you through a rough and necessary journey toward your healing and recovery. There are aspects of the stages that will best describe you today. But the stages are also meant to give you a practical set of steps involved in recovering from this crisis in your life. Most important, the stages help you see that you are not alone and that things can improve.
The Stages;
* The Developing Stage/ Pre-Discovery
* Crisis/ Decision/ Information
* Shock
* Grief/ Ambivalance
* Repair
* Growth
How you experience the stages of recovery will depend on many factors, including your personality, any medical or psychiatric diagnoses such as depression or addiction and past loses. If you have experienced losses or betrayals, or have suffered abuse or trauma in your background, you may find it more difficult to move through your stages.
You may find one stage more challenging than another, and you may even stay in one stage for a longer period of time. You may confront a new crisis or challenge which may pull you back into an earlier stage, such as triggering event like the anniversary of discovering your partners addiction or an old cell phone bill. These triggers can conjure up old feelings that you believed you had resolved. Similarly, you may see yourself vacillating between two or more stages at once.
1. Developing Stage
Is the period of time prior to knowing there was a problem or before discovery/ disclosure. You may find during this stage that you were either completely in the dark about the addiction, or had some suspicions but were not fully aware of the extent of your partners sexual acting out. During this stage, you might try to keep the peace in the home and hold an idealised view of the relationship.
If you were completely in the dark about the acting out, you may have had a hunch that something wasn't right with the addict. You likely experienced the unmanagability of the addiction in the other areas of your life, such as parenting, finances, work and intimacy. Because life was increasingly unmanageable, you may have found yourself attempting to control the other areas of your life, such as work, the children, the household etc.
Conversely, you may have known about certain aspects of the behaviour, like pornography use, but had no idea about the content of the sex acting out. When you accidently found suspicious info you might have overlooked it or believed the addicts convincing explanantions. Your gut instint may have been telling you one thing but your mind told you another. You sensed that something was wrong, however, you didn't have the info to back it up. Instead you questioned yourself and would give your partner the benefit of the doubt. This may have even resulted in you questioning your own self worth.
During this stage its common to tolerate behaviours that others woulf find intolerable. This may include verbal or physical abuse, lack of availablity, emotional distance, and a lack of functioning in many areas. You may have found yourself caretaking to a fault. Unconsciously, you may have minimised the addicts behaviours, and covered up for them by making excuses or concessions despite your better judgement. You may have found yourself defending the addict, and believeing the addicts words over his actions.
Core Characteristics;
* believing tall tales
* tolerating and normalising unacceptable behaviour from the addict
* self doubt, not trusting gut instincts
* having hunch something is not right
* seeking couples therapy
* unmanagability
* loss of values, morals, or beliefs deemed imporatnt to keep peace with your partner
2. The Crisis/ Decision Stage
During this stage, the facade of the secret life of the addict has been exposed, and reality and disillusionment is beginning to settle in. As in any life-altering crisi, how you respond has a lot to do with your personality and if you suffered from prior crisi in your life. This means that if you are someone who has experienced frequent loses, then you are apt to be more reactionary than someone who has not. The old responses get reactivated and add to your distress. In addition, the duration of the addicts behaviours, the types of behaviours engaged in, and length of time of the relationship will also influence how you respond to the fallout of discovery/disclosure.
If you are someone who withdrawls from crisis, you will find that you want to avoid knowing about the addict or sex addiction in general. You may act as though nothing has changed and try to keep up with your normal respomsibilities. Or if you are someone who is more action-oriented, you will find yourself seeking honesty and accountability from the addict, despite the fact that a part of you cannot trust what she or he says.
Due to broken trust, you may find yourself checking up on your partner or playing detective to determine if he or she is still lying and acting out. In fact, you may find yourself doing these behaviours when typically you are not someone who snoops or even wants to, but you find you are compelled to look for things. You may ruminate or obsess about the addict, his ir her whereabouts and seek to review the details of his or her behaviour repeatedly.
Much of this is in attempt to examine what happened and to come to terms with how you didn't figure out what your partner was up to before the discovery. You may be replaying the past in an attempt to capture how you could have prevented it from happening or confronted it sooner. All of these action steps are in response to being lied to and are a strategy to ward off the painful realities you are beginning to experience as a result of the betrayal.
Core Characteristics;
* a catalytic event occurs: you discover or are disclosed to about your partners duplicate behaviour.
* information gathering
* taking action/ making decisions, such as sending the sex addict to treatment or joining a 12 step group.
3. The Shock Stage
The crisis and shock stage often overlap, and for some may even happen simultaneously. During the crisis you learned about behaviours, gathered info, and perhaps responded by making decisions. Shock is how you responded emotionally and spiritually to the crisis confronting you.
The upheaval during the shock stage can last 6 months and at times years. Variables that predict how long you are in these two stages depend on your presponse to the crisis and how your partner does or doesn't progress in recovery. Feelings of betrayal are overwhelming and mistrust of the addict reaches its peak. You seek honesty and accountability from the addict even though he or she has become untrustworthy to you. Despite this, you want disclosure of all previously concealed info or believe there is more when you have been told that there isn't. You don't know what to believe and you suffer from a multitute of reactions.
You may have periods of numbness, contrasted by times of upheaval and conflict. At times, you may find it easier to avoid the feelings. However, despite this strategy, there are often many feelings lurking underneath the surface that arise during times of conflict such as anger, resentment, pain, shame, hostility, and hopelessness. You may be experiencing crying spells, depression, and even thoughts of suicide. You may begin to question your worth.
Understandably, you will have tremendous self doubt and will need outside support to help you validate your pain and challenge some of your thinking. Living in an addictive system is about secrets and isolation from others. Recovery becomes about letting others into your world and learning new behaviours and choices that were previously unavailable to you.
Core Characteristics;
* emotional numbness or avoidance
* feelings of victimimation
* suspiciousness
* terror about the slips, future relapse
* distrust
* conflict
* feelings of despair
* anger, hostility, self rightousness, blame and criticism
4. Grief and Ambivalence Stage
One of the most important aspects of moving through your pain is recognising and experiencing your grief. Acknowledging your pain and sadness is essential to moving past feelings of anger and betrayal. At the core of betrayal are feelings of pain, sadness and rejection. Anger is often considered a secondary emotion to pain and sadness. So grieving is one of the central processes allowing you to move through your anger and feelings of betrayal. The wounding you have experienced cuts to the very core of your heart and soul, leaving you feeling shattered. Allowing yourself time to grieve the many losses during this time will help propel you into the next stage of repair and growth.
Distinguishing grief from self pity is important too. You may believe that feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time and an indulgence that should not be tolerated. But grief is essential because it is that most private area of yourself that allows you to own your pain on a deeper level. Acknowledging, "Hey I have been seriously wronged and i hurt" is important. It helps you stop internalising the problem and move into your own core feelings of loss, betrayal and sadness. It allows you freedom from focusing on what the addict is or isn't doing which will assist you in connecting with your authentic self.
Some of the losses you will experience are;
Loss of the dream of your relationship
Loss of self
Loss of relationship as it once was
Loss of emotional safety
Loss of sexual safety
Loss of financial stability
Spiritual vacancy eg; 'where is god?'
You may contemplate separation, divorce, and have fantasies about how life would be without the partner or wish something would happen to him so you wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore. You may also find yourself attracted to someone else. Alternatively the idea of being attracted to someone else may repulse you and conjure up feelings of mistrust and tremendous fear.
One of the significant gifts that comes from this stage is the gift of self awareness and introspection. Instead of focusing on the addicts needs and wants, you begin to focus on your needs and wants. Your self care typically deepens during this stage. This is an essential shift to make in the healing process because without focusing on yourself, you will not move into the next stage of repair.
Core Characteristics;
* grieving losses
* feelings of dpression
* ambivilance about the relationship
* increased introspection and focus on the self
* less focus on the addicts behaviour and more on your own
5. Repair Stage
For many partners, it can take years of shock and grief before healing really starts to solidify and they move into the repair stage, Repair is marked by increased introspection and less focus on the addicts nehvaiour. Although you continue to hold the addict accountable for what he did to you, you have moved toward greater responsibility and honesty for your own happiness. You know you need to be treated respectfully and honesty by the addict, but you see how others treat you stems from your own self worth.
You may alos start to make the connections between your past during this stage. For example; you may consider how your family of origin impacted your choices and influenced your adult actions, especially in your relationship with the addict. This may include focusing on the themes from your past, such as abandonment, abuse and neglect.
Many partners deepen their spirituality at this time. Coping skills and social support systems become stronger. Secrecy and isolation are replaced with solitude and compassionship. Self defeating behaviours often diminish. Overall your deep pain and turmoil subsides and a more relaxed, introspective self emerges with a stronger voice.
These changes reflect in your relationship as well. You will have a better understanding of the addiction and the addicts behaviours, which places you in a stronger position to evaluate the relationship. You have a clearer picture about the addicts sexual acting out and the boundries you need to keep yourself safe. You belive the actions, not the words of the addict, and you don't live in denial of the addiction or the addictive behaviours. You are able to hold the addict accountable and not fear communication. You are able to see red flags and confront them effectively. If you become retraumatised by relapses or divorce, you openly seek additional resorces and handle it. You are more emotionally prepared to make a decision to leave a relationship if indicated. If the addict is in recoevry, and your relationship is progressing in a healthy way, you may explore trust and intimacy that is deeper than before.
Core Characteristics;
* intropsection
* decision making stage about the relationship
* deeper insight into causes of your co-addiction
* family of origin themes examined and intergrated
* prior losses more fully grieved
* increased strength and coping skills
* Boundary setting
* emotional stability
6. Growth Stage
The final stage is growth. This syage involves continued self transformation. One of the hallmarks of this stage for partners is letting go of feelings of victimization and replacing it with resiliency. You may discover a way to make meaning out of your suffering.
Gratitude for the addiction and the opportunities for self actualization that it provided occur here. The addiction was a catalyst for change and you responded to it. The many challenges you faced elevated you to a higher level of well being and you experience of inner peace and greater appreciation for the work that you had to do in confronting this challenge.
You turn outward, not in a caretaking sense, but in a genuine desire to pass on what was given to you. Your compassion for other peoples pain reinforces your committment to healing. You can now realisitically check your motivations and can catch yourself when you fall into old self defeating patterns.
Core Characteristics;
* decreased feelings of being victimised by the addiction
* focus on issues not directly related to the addiction
* communication of your role in the dyfunction of the relationship increases
* acknowledgement of the gifts the addiction has bought to your life
* ability to be present and fully focused on the other areas of life.
Conclusion;
While considering these stages, don't judge yourself harshly or try to force yourself into a future stage. Every partner goes through the stages at her pace. Hopefully, reviewing these stages will provide you some peace of mind that the crisis will not last forever, and growth and insight are the inevitable gifts you will recieve through this experience.
AMEN!!
"Mending A Shattered Heart"
A guide for partners of sex addicts....By Stephanie Carnes PH.d
Page 37- 45
Partners of sex addicts commonly demonstrate six stages of personal growth and development. These stages were initially developed by Dr Patrick Carnes. His research focused on sex addicts and their partners. He followed 99 partners of sex addicts over five years, as they progressed from finding out about the addiction to integration of this, in their lives.
These six stages will serve as a model to help guide you through a rough and necessary journey toward your healing and recovery. There are aspects of the stages that will best describe you today. But the stages are also meant to give you a practical set of steps involved in recovering from this crisis in your life. Most important, the stages help you see that you are not alone and that things can improve.
The Stages;
* The Developing Stage/ Pre-Discovery
* Crisis/ Decision/ Information
* Shock
* Grief/ Ambivalance
* Repair
* Growth
How you experience the stages of recovery will depend on many factors, including your personality, any medical or psychiatric diagnoses such as depression or addiction and past loses. If you have experienced losses or betrayals, or have suffered abuse or trauma in your background, you may find it more difficult to move through your stages.
You may find one stage more challenging than another, and you may even stay in one stage for a longer period of time. You may confront a new crisis or challenge which may pull you back into an earlier stage, such as triggering event like the anniversary of discovering your partners addiction or an old cell phone bill. These triggers can conjure up old feelings that you believed you had resolved. Similarly, you may see yourself vacillating between two or more stages at once.
1. Developing Stage
Is the period of time prior to knowing there was a problem or before discovery/ disclosure. You may find during this stage that you were either completely in the dark about the addiction, or had some suspicions but were not fully aware of the extent of your partners sexual acting out. During this stage, you might try to keep the peace in the home and hold an idealised view of the relationship.
If you were completely in the dark about the acting out, you may have had a hunch that something wasn't right with the addict. You likely experienced the unmanagability of the addiction in the other areas of your life, such as parenting, finances, work and intimacy. Because life was increasingly unmanageable, you may have found yourself attempting to control the other areas of your life, such as work, the children, the household etc.
Conversely, you may have known about certain aspects of the behaviour, like pornography use, but had no idea about the content of the sex acting out. When you accidently found suspicious info you might have overlooked it or believed the addicts convincing explanantions. Your gut instint may have been telling you one thing but your mind told you another. You sensed that something was wrong, however, you didn't have the info to back it up. Instead you questioned yourself and would give your partner the benefit of the doubt. This may have even resulted in you questioning your own self worth.
During this stage its common to tolerate behaviours that others woulf find intolerable. This may include verbal or physical abuse, lack of availablity, emotional distance, and a lack of functioning in many areas. You may have found yourself caretaking to a fault. Unconsciously, you may have minimised the addicts behaviours, and covered up for them by making excuses or concessions despite your better judgement. You may have found yourself defending the addict, and believeing the addicts words over his actions.
Core Characteristics;
* believing tall tales
* tolerating and normalising unacceptable behaviour from the addict
* self doubt, not trusting gut instincts
* having hunch something is not right
* seeking couples therapy
* unmanagability
* loss of values, morals, or beliefs deemed imporatnt to keep peace with your partner
2. The Crisis/ Decision Stage
During this stage, the facade of the secret life of the addict has been exposed, and reality and disillusionment is beginning to settle in. As in any life-altering crisi, how you respond has a lot to do with your personality and if you suffered from prior crisi in your life. This means that if you are someone who has experienced frequent loses, then you are apt to be more reactionary than someone who has not. The old responses get reactivated and add to your distress. In addition, the duration of the addicts behaviours, the types of behaviours engaged in, and length of time of the relationship will also influence how you respond to the fallout of discovery/disclosure.
If you are someone who withdrawls from crisis, you will find that you want to avoid knowing about the addict or sex addiction in general. You may act as though nothing has changed and try to keep up with your normal respomsibilities. Or if you are someone who is more action-oriented, you will find yourself seeking honesty and accountability from the addict, despite the fact that a part of you cannot trust what she or he says.
Due to broken trust, you may find yourself checking up on your partner or playing detective to determine if he or she is still lying and acting out. In fact, you may find yourself doing these behaviours when typically you are not someone who snoops or even wants to, but you find you are compelled to look for things. You may ruminate or obsess about the addict, his ir her whereabouts and seek to review the details of his or her behaviour repeatedly.
Much of this is in attempt to examine what happened and to come to terms with how you didn't figure out what your partner was up to before the discovery. You may be replaying the past in an attempt to capture how you could have prevented it from happening or confronted it sooner. All of these action steps are in response to being lied to and are a strategy to ward off the painful realities you are beginning to experience as a result of the betrayal.
Core Characteristics;
* a catalytic event occurs: you discover or are disclosed to about your partners duplicate behaviour.
* information gathering
* taking action/ making decisions, such as sending the sex addict to treatment or joining a 12 step group.
3. The Shock Stage
The crisis and shock stage often overlap, and for some may even happen simultaneously. During the crisis you learned about behaviours, gathered info, and perhaps responded by making decisions. Shock is how you responded emotionally and spiritually to the crisis confronting you.
The upheaval during the shock stage can last 6 months and at times years. Variables that predict how long you are in these two stages depend on your presponse to the crisis and how your partner does or doesn't progress in recovery. Feelings of betrayal are overwhelming and mistrust of the addict reaches its peak. You seek honesty and accountability from the addict even though he or she has become untrustworthy to you. Despite this, you want disclosure of all previously concealed info or believe there is more when you have been told that there isn't. You don't know what to believe and you suffer from a multitute of reactions.
You may have periods of numbness, contrasted by times of upheaval and conflict. At times, you may find it easier to avoid the feelings. However, despite this strategy, there are often many feelings lurking underneath the surface that arise during times of conflict such as anger, resentment, pain, shame, hostility, and hopelessness. You may be experiencing crying spells, depression, and even thoughts of suicide. You may begin to question your worth.
Understandably, you will have tremendous self doubt and will need outside support to help you validate your pain and challenge some of your thinking. Living in an addictive system is about secrets and isolation from others. Recovery becomes about letting others into your world and learning new behaviours and choices that were previously unavailable to you.
Core Characteristics;
* emotional numbness or avoidance
* feelings of victimimation
* suspiciousness
* terror about the slips, future relapse
* distrust
* conflict
* feelings of despair
* anger, hostility, self rightousness, blame and criticism
4. Grief and Ambivalence Stage
One of the most important aspects of moving through your pain is recognising and experiencing your grief. Acknowledging your pain and sadness is essential to moving past feelings of anger and betrayal. At the core of betrayal are feelings of pain, sadness and rejection. Anger is often considered a secondary emotion to pain and sadness. So grieving is one of the central processes allowing you to move through your anger and feelings of betrayal. The wounding you have experienced cuts to the very core of your heart and soul, leaving you feeling shattered. Allowing yourself time to grieve the many losses during this time will help propel you into the next stage of repair and growth.
Distinguishing grief from self pity is important too. You may believe that feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time and an indulgence that should not be tolerated. But grief is essential because it is that most private area of yourself that allows you to own your pain on a deeper level. Acknowledging, "Hey I have been seriously wronged and i hurt" is important. It helps you stop internalising the problem and move into your own core feelings of loss, betrayal and sadness. It allows you freedom from focusing on what the addict is or isn't doing which will assist you in connecting with your authentic self.
Some of the losses you will experience are;
Loss of the dream of your relationship
Loss of self
Loss of relationship as it once was
Loss of emotional safety
Loss of sexual safety
Loss of financial stability
Spiritual vacancy eg; 'where is god?'
You may contemplate separation, divorce, and have fantasies about how life would be without the partner or wish something would happen to him so you wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore. You may also find yourself attracted to someone else. Alternatively the idea of being attracted to someone else may repulse you and conjure up feelings of mistrust and tremendous fear.
One of the significant gifts that comes from this stage is the gift of self awareness and introspection. Instead of focusing on the addicts needs and wants, you begin to focus on your needs and wants. Your self care typically deepens during this stage. This is an essential shift to make in the healing process because without focusing on yourself, you will not move into the next stage of repair.
Core Characteristics;
* grieving losses
* feelings of dpression
* ambivilance about the relationship
* increased introspection and focus on the self
* less focus on the addicts behaviour and more on your own
5. Repair Stage
For many partners, it can take years of shock and grief before healing really starts to solidify and they move into the repair stage, Repair is marked by increased introspection and less focus on the addicts nehvaiour. Although you continue to hold the addict accountable for what he did to you, you have moved toward greater responsibility and honesty for your own happiness. You know you need to be treated respectfully and honesty by the addict, but you see how others treat you stems from your own self worth.
You may alos start to make the connections between your past during this stage. For example; you may consider how your family of origin impacted your choices and influenced your adult actions, especially in your relationship with the addict. This may include focusing on the themes from your past, such as abandonment, abuse and neglect.
Many partners deepen their spirituality at this time. Coping skills and social support systems become stronger. Secrecy and isolation are replaced with solitude and compassionship. Self defeating behaviours often diminish. Overall your deep pain and turmoil subsides and a more relaxed, introspective self emerges with a stronger voice.
These changes reflect in your relationship as well. You will have a better understanding of the addiction and the addicts behaviours, which places you in a stronger position to evaluate the relationship. You have a clearer picture about the addicts sexual acting out and the boundries you need to keep yourself safe. You belive the actions, not the words of the addict, and you don't live in denial of the addiction or the addictive behaviours. You are able to hold the addict accountable and not fear communication. You are able to see red flags and confront them effectively. If you become retraumatised by relapses or divorce, you openly seek additional resorces and handle it. You are more emotionally prepared to make a decision to leave a relationship if indicated. If the addict is in recoevry, and your relationship is progressing in a healthy way, you may explore trust and intimacy that is deeper than before.
Core Characteristics;
* intropsection
* decision making stage about the relationship
* deeper insight into causes of your co-addiction
* family of origin themes examined and intergrated
* prior losses more fully grieved
* increased strength and coping skills
* Boundary setting
* emotional stability
6. Growth Stage
The final stage is growth. This syage involves continued self transformation. One of the hallmarks of this stage for partners is letting go of feelings of victimization and replacing it with resiliency. You may discover a way to make meaning out of your suffering.
Gratitude for the addiction and the opportunities for self actualization that it provided occur here. The addiction was a catalyst for change and you responded to it. The many challenges you faced elevated you to a higher level of well being and you experience of inner peace and greater appreciation for the work that you had to do in confronting this challenge.
You turn outward, not in a caretaking sense, but in a genuine desire to pass on what was given to you. Your compassion for other peoples pain reinforces your committment to healing. You can now realisitically check your motivations and can catch yourself when you fall into old self defeating patterns.
Core Characteristics;
* decreased feelings of being victimised by the addiction
* focus on issues not directly related to the addiction
* communication of your role in the dyfunction of the relationship increases
* acknowledgement of the gifts the addiction has bought to your life
* ability to be present and fully focused on the other areas of life.
Conclusion;
While considering these stages, don't judge yourself harshly or try to force yourself into a future stage. Every partner goes through the stages at her pace. Hopefully, reviewing these stages will provide you some peace of mind that the crisis will not last forever, and growth and insight are the inevitable gifts you will recieve through this experience.
AMEN!!
Well Sometimes a spouse can have a relapse.
Many of you know My H (Soberone) and I have been in recovery as of Easter this year 3 years and in the past I have noted being in the spiritual or growth stage of recovery.
I had been dealing with some side effects of my RA medicine with each month getting progressively sicker. Towards the end of last month I was at my worst, my immune system was totally out of whack, I was on major steroids, antibiotics a cocktail of other meds and started having the shakes and sweating profusely as well as feeling so hot that I would stand outside in 28 degrees sweating with a light pull over and jeans. Not only was I constantly sweating but I was gaining weight with the steroids and all of the sudden my stomach started bloating like I was 5 months pregnant due to having thrush caused by all the antibiotics.
Anyway trying to make this short...I wasn't feeling too pretty needless to say. Some of you know I have a few self esteem issues anyway. So I started purposely building walls between my H and I. Well those of you who have been around for any length of time know that once this happens with one relationally challenged partner the other will inevitably react and so the vicious cycle begins....and you guessed it my H began building his own walls and making up all kinds of things in his head as to why I was building walls. It took a brief counselors meeting to sort it all out.
I could write a book on how it all happened but the point is when we become complacent, too comfortable or arrogant we let our defenses down and anyone can get caught up in their old dysfunctions.
Lorilou
Hugs for a speedy recovery....inside and out :)))
Lots of love
trina xxxx
I'm so sorry for the setback. In the early stages you are right it is ardor to keep your chin up but I know you will get through this. I believe in this weakened state it is the perfect time for the dark side to overcome us. But when you finally stand up and say I will not waver you will prevail. I know you have that strength.
Hi Trish,
I have not met you yet. welcome and I am sorry for what has braught you here. forgive me but having been out of pocket for awhile I don't know if you've already been approached about Post Traumatic Stress or PTSD but like many of us it sounds like you are experiencing the symptoms and it is imparitive to overcome this before it becomes chronic. If you have not had direction in this area let us know, that's what we are here for.
Hugs back to y'all,
Jennifer
I think there is something to that 10th anniversary...that's when my D-day was. But yesterday was our 3rd year anniversary for sobriety. I hope in that I can offer some hope and reassurance. You are amongst friends....many of whom have a vast amount of knowlege.
How are you and your husband doing in this 8th month?
Regards,
Lorilou
Darkangel: I can certainly relate to how hard anniversaries are. You are among friends who understand your feelings.