Hmmm, a return to "screwy thinking", in general. Not just around SA. Also irritation. He goes back to being easily irritated by "stuff". More time spent in the bathroom. Self-grooming... manscaping. Um, channel surfing, doesn't think to come and talk to me spontaneously, although he knows this is a giveaway, so if I pick him up on it, he will make a show of "talking to me" but he stops initiating. These things just off the top of my head but I'm sure there are more. I've also learnt that every time I've been suspicious... it's been justified. It's uncanny. So trust yourself.

For me personally what I have noticed is a slip in other behavior. My H has other addictive behavior. He likes to drink a lot of coffee, snack and play computer games, all of which are low frequency behavior. When I see this I know that he is becoming complacent. Complacency leads to slips and even a relapse and I have lived through both.
The most important thing I can tell you is if you notice something, say something. Trusting your intuition is a very loving thing to do for yourself. SA struggles go on for a lifetime and any change can bring on addictive behavior. Bringing compassion and empathy to his struggle is also being loving to both of you.
Also, if he has already slipped or relapsed, you may notice him distancing himself from you, being argumentative, defending himself, minimizing things, etc.
Don't panic over it because this is part of the process. Learning to not take it personally is the hardes thing I am learning to do along with not stepping in and trying to micromanage his recovery.
If you feel you are begining to obsess over it, try to bring the focus back to yourself and don't judge yourself for doing that. Recovery is a slippery slope sometimes. Hugs!

Though my H hasn't slipped, or relapsed, that I know of. There are many things that indicate he hasn't. He doesn't act like he used to. He doesn't talk like he used to. He is "very" attentive to me and our relationship. He goes out of his way to perceive my moods, both good and bad. He offers his support immediately if I'm feeling down...about anything at all. I don't have to "tell" him, he knows, because he is attentive, aware, and seeks to know how I'm feeling. He doesn't do secretive little things. My H never did anything like manscaping. I would have known that something was off about that. If I didn't laugh myself silly when I saw it. He doesn't avoid me. He doesn't attempt to distance himself. He's far too busy attempting to gain intimacy to have time to do that. If he did, I'd know it. A back-up or a back-off would indicate to me that he has given up hope for the relationship. If he became either unaware of my moods and feelings, or unconcerned about them, I'd know.

ok, then how do I tell if he might be slipping down that road again, or if its just that he's depressed? I know depression is part of his addictiion, what fuels it. With our even more crazy schedules of me going back to school fulltime, still working, and kids, theres more strain on us now, more time apart. But, he doesn't cuddle up to me at bedtime like he used to during recovery, or ask how my day was, at least very often, little conversation between us, lack of sexual activity, etc. One night while laying in bed as I couldn't sleep I finally mustered enough guts to ask him if he thought I was repulsive. He seemed shock by my question, but that's how I've been feeling lately anymore. And, all of these are all little signs that he's slipping back into his self loathing days.

2song: Did you read why I'm relatively sure my H isn't slipping? What you're describing isn't good. Can't say it's a relapse into his sexual activitity....haven't experienced that as yet. But, as I see it, his displayed behavior that you describe is a relapse into disconnection. My h does get work challenged, stressed, tired, and so do I. When I feel that we are moving that direction, away from communication, I do ask questions...but not whether or not I'm repulsive. I think I have asked, how are you feeling? What's going on with you these days? I notice you seem different...is there something troubling you? Then, he often relays work problems, family illness concerns, and the like. That's ok. I don't expect him to "always" be rosey. I'm not even that. His answers, his body-language, his demeanor, speak very loudly. I have asked him whether or not he is challenged by the loss of his "habit." He always answers...no...that crazy behavior is long gone. I know what it is...and it holds no attraction for me.

In my situation my H was sober for about 12 months with therapy. My H's relapse began months before the actual "act out". As we both look back the signs were there. I had a miscarriage at 4 and a half months and that seemed to have triggered feelings of depression, sadness, loss and inadequacy, all of which are his triggers. At the time he really was not even aware that these were the triggers. He started showing signs of not wanting to socialize and being uncomfortable with his appearance, not liking what he saw in the mirror. If your husband seems depressed and thats his trigger, he has to recognize this. You can call him out on it but ultimately he has to be aware of his triggers. The lack of communication would be concerning to me as well.

What is your gut telling you? My H's therapist calls it the "belly brain". If you feel there is stlipping or a relapse, then address it with your H. Learning to trust myself was the greatest gift I could give myself. As for signs, it is different for everyone, but my H would become more defensive, even blameful with me when he had slipped (once or twice) and relapsed (once for a week or so). Again, trust your gut.

Defensive and blameful are good signs something is not right. What I also "hear" in your post 2songs is your going back to some of your behaviors having to ask him if you are 'repulsive", you can't sleep etc...That means something is going on...not saying what. Sounds like your gut is telling you something.

I only "wish" that I could trust my gutt. I lost so much trust, I couldn't even trust that. Or, again, maybe I can...who knows? But, for sure, what I do absolutely trust is that I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not. And, I know myself...that whatever happens...slip...relapse...whatever....I will do the best thing for me. More importantly, I "know" what that is. And, that is...to not live around a person I can't trust. He knows that...he's been informed...and warned. So, a slip, a relapse, and action, a doing, a crappy attutide, will do. That would result in only one thing....I would know with no doubt that I can't trust "HIM." And that will result in action on my part. My H "can't" hurt me with that anymore...all he can ever do with that is end the marriage. So, I don't even worry about it...and I never will again. He gets to choose what he does....and I get to choose what I do about that. .

SheenRe,
I really like what you say here ". He gets to choose what he does....and I get to choose what I do about that." It is truly about taking responsibility for our own actions. My H is working very hard in his therapy (as am I) and we are approaching 6 mos. post-Dday. I am constantly on the lookout for "signs" and have been thankful that I am seeing constant improvement in intimacy and communication. Regardless, I am always tuning in to my "gut" and asking questions and finding ways to feel confident in my recovery, then checking in with him and his recovery. Put yourself first 2songs! Be in touch with your intuition and don't feel wrong in asking the questions. If the truth is good news, he won't mind telling you.

tko: You said, " If the truth is good news, he won't mind telling you." Absolutely! There are "no" bad questions...only the ones that don't get posed. It is "very" clear to me that my H is "very" different. Were he to revert to those attitudes, I'd know that the behavior either is, or is in the making. His overall attitude keeps me informed. And, even if he snowed me...even if I failed to see at some point...I would see it eventually. I'm in no major hurry to be anywhere or do anything at all. He is behaving...what I "can" see and experience...very well. That will do...right now...in the present. And, since my decisions have been well thought out...I don't ever have to do that again. I already "know" what my decisions are. And so does he. So, if I "ever" see that again...I will "know" what his decision "is." And, I can accept that.

I have experience with only one slip--I have to say..it came immediately after one of the best weekend,of communication and intimacy..I hadnt felt that close to him and truly happy in months..then I get a notice(from webwatcher) that he visited 68 porn sites. Wow! For me, this was totally unexpected, but, I have to remember he was/is in very early recovery(if he CAN recover with his addiction) .. on the other hand..if what he(and a couple other H's on here) have with the CP/underage issue is not truly SA, then,, this experience may not be
typical at all for an SA in recovery. It is possible my H cant stop because this obsession is wired too deeply.
I dont know if ay of this makes sense.. :) going to take a break..
mary

I spoke to my H about this. What he says is that there are people like your H mixed in at SA meetings. What matters mostly is why they are there, in other words what is the intent. If the intent is to be there because someone made them (i.e. the law, their wives, their extended family) then they will ultimately not be successful and these people often drift in and out of SA meetings because they either don't believe they have a serious problem or they simply don't want to do what it takes to recover (many say it's too hard for them).
However, if an SA is there because they truly want to recover for themselves regardless of the outcome of other aspects of their lives such as their career, marriage, relationships with children, then recovery will still be hard, but the addict's intent is to do it for themselves.

Rereading all of this, as life took ahold of me and my crazy busy life schedule, things between us really haven't changed. We're still distant. Maybe this is the cycle we're going through with him being sober, realizing us for who we are on both ends. I try so hard not to let his inactions affect my moods, but sometimes it's hard. I haven't checked on anything for several months...cable on demand, netflix, computer, cell phone internet usage, etc. Times I think I should just to be sure. Then again, I'd like to believe he'd tell me if he were to have slipped

I agree with Wachit "him distancing himself from you, being argumentative, defending himself, minimizing things". All of these are things that I noticed the many times my STBX had a slip or relapse. The other things were forgetfulness, a sense of being distracted when we were doing "daily" living, he was kind of spaced out, not really being present, carelessness. But the biggest thing was my gut. I would get a gut feeling each & every time. And I'd ignore it. Eventually the truth would come out and I'd know my gut was right. Not ignoring it anymore and our divorce will be final in a month. Trust your gut. Take care of you. You need to focus on yourself and take care of you. hugs.