Busted....here is a big comforting hug from Australia...just hang in there for all of us who are feeling your pain.

**Peace and love to you during this tough time. You are going through the Shock Stage in your journey through recovery. It is not uncommon to feel like it is all overwhelming. It is important in this time to seek out help and understanding, to help you get through this.
May you find the strength to stand up and not let this addiction win. Do not let it take you as well. Our thoughts and prayers are with you during this tough time.


3. The Shock Stage
The crisis and shock stage often overlap, and for some may even happen simultaneously. During the crisis you learned about behaviours, gathered info, and perhaps responded by making decisions. Shock is how you responded emotionally and spiritually to the crisis confronting you.
The upheaval during the shock stage can last 6 months and at times years. Variables that predict how long you are in these two stages depend on your presponse to the crisis and how your partner does or doesn't progress in recovery. Feelings of betrayal are overwhelming and mistrust of the addict reaches its peak. You seek honesty and accountability from the addict even though he or she has become untrustworthy to you. Despite this, you want disclosure of all previously concealed info or believe there is more when you have been told that there isn't. You don't know what to believe and you suffer from a multitute of reactions.
You may have periods of numbness, contrasted by times of upheaval and conflict. At times, you may find it easier to avoid the feelings. However, despite this strategy, there are often many feelings lurking underneath the surface that arise during times of conflict such as anger, resentment, pain, shame, hostility, and hopelessness. You may be experiencing crying spells, depression, and even thoughts of suicide. You may begin to question your worth.
Understandably, you will have tremendous self doubt and will need outside support to help you validate your pain and challenge some of your thinking. Living in an addictive system is about secrets and isolation from others. Recovery becomes about letting others into your world and learning new behaviours and choices that were previously unavailable to you.

prayers and love-please reach out for help when you are devasted. xoxo marie

Is there some one to contact in case some one becomes suicidal or dangerous on DS? I wished they asked for addresses and such. I read this man's journal entry and I am seriously worried. Is there no moderator we can contact that can check up on people in crises?

Just wanted to let you all know that I am still here, but barely. I have been awake for so long trying to hold myself together. My life with her has been flooding my mind remembering all of the years. For instance, I remember many, many times through the years when I would wake up at night and she wasn't in bed with me. Assuming she had gone to the bathroom I would go back to sleep. I remember I would wake up, I thought minutes later, she would be coming back to bed. Those were the times she had slipped out of the house and gone to nearby parks to meet strange men. More has been coming out. During those weekends when I was alone, when she would go "visiting", she would spend the weekend with other men. There would be the times she would tell me she was going to the movies, she would be down at the local park with men. She says many times she would go to as many as four parks in one night. Many many men. And she tells me she has not remembered any of it until last week. ????????? I am trying to hang on until Tuesday for doctors appontment. But I feel I am sinking into this bottomless black hole and I cannot pull myself out. I went through major depression back in 1990-2003. A "nervous breakdown", is what they called it back then. I feel it is trying to happen again. I had to be put in hospital under suicide watch. I didn't like the hospital. And I don't think that is what I want. I od'd on pills twice in '07 because of her. I wish I had died then. As bad as it was then just knowing what I did then, this is far more and far worse. How could the love of my life have done all of this to me??

Busted, my heart goes out to you.. stay here with us on DS, this is a great support system until Tuesday.
Here is a hug from the southwest. ((((((((((())))))))))

Busted, sooo glad to see you are still here. Thank you for hanging on. I'm no expert on what to say to help you through this, but there are experts out there to help you. I can give you my support and listen if you need to vent.

I don't think you should take what she has done too personally. She would have been doing this with or without you around all these years. She was not out to ruin your life, just doing what she felt compelled to do because of this illness. I'm not saying you need to forgive her right now, but try not to feel she was being malicious towards you. That is just a bad thing that happened along the way.

At first in dealing with my spouse, I felt "how could he do this to me" and it made me feel very powerless and victimized. Now I think along the lines that he has an illness that I can choose to live with or live without. I don't need to subject myself to anymore if I don't want to. There are staged to dealing with these troubles and you are in a stage that is very hard and makes you feel hopeless. It will pass, I promise. Just hang in there, keep breathing everyday, and it will get better once you talk to someone.

Please call the crisis hotline if you feel you might harm yourself. Or post, post, post here. Or become my friend and we can chat online if you think that would help. Please hang on...

Sending you a prayer and some healing energy. I hope it helps you. :-)

Busted, I am sorry you are going through this. I had a nervous breakdown and was on suicide watch when I found out my H had relapsed again. I am not normally a suicidal person, although I have been diagnosed as having anxiety that triggers depression. I felt like a complete failure. I wanted to die. How could the love of my life not cherish me the way that I had cherished him?

The thing is, I did nothing to deserve what he had done. You didn't either. Nothing excuses it. They are the ones who are sick and who have a problem. What you are going through is very normal, and you can get through it. Please come back over and over if you need to. This group, along with prayer, has been the one place that I have been able to go to in my darkest hours. You can make it through this stage, even though I know it doesn't feel that way right now. There are people who have been there and who understand. Is it worth throwing your life and potential away? You can be worth something to yourself with or without her. You really can! Take some time to really discover who you are, what you enjoy, what your good qualities are. Write them down. Post them somewhere you can see them everyday and read them out loud. Just remember, this is normal for you to feel this way. There are others who have gone through similar situations and made it through. Lean on us here for a while until you feel strong enough. My heart goes out to you. I know all too well that feeling of hopelessness. You can make it! Please don't give up!

Grab hold of this if you can....YOU are not the problem....ANYONE would feel what you are feeling faced with your situation. YOU are normal...SHE is not. KNOW this...that you can have a better life...you can feel happy again...you can stay a good person...you CAN! I did it. I WILL again. WE are not responsible for these horrible mate's actions....THEY are. THEY are morally sick, emotionally sick, mentally sick...that's why we can't understand it.....WE are normal people...with NORMAL feelings. THEY are not. Put the blame where it lays and leave it there. That is all you can do. You can't help someone decide to be a moral and decent person...only they can do that...and they don't want to...or they would. That doesn't make you bad, or mentally ill, or whatever you think it makes you...it doesn't...it just means that they are. You have only one thing to deal with...and that is that you tried to love a person who doesn't deserve to be loved that way. My X didn't deserve to be treated with honor and respect. He was a dishonorable man, a liar, a cheat and an immoral creep! That is all. I don't fault myself because it took me a long while to understand that ANYONE could be that indecent. I just didn't have that in me to understand or compare...THANK GOD! You don't either. And as far as I have discovered, you will never understand such a person. I don't want to try and figure out an insane person's actions...I'd have to become somewhat insane myself to do so. I'm gonna leave it with them...and let them figure out their own problem. And, I'm gonna know that because I have been honest, because I have done right, and I have loved, doesn't make me bad, or weak, or mentally ill...it just means that I've lived with that...and that is all....I have lived with an indecent, immoral person...and THAT IS ALL! I feel exactly as I should. Why would I feel any other way? You have uncvered her....she is exposed for exactly what she is. That is all....and it has nothng to do with you. Leave it where it lies....with her. Your love would be respected and appreciated by a normal person! Believe it! It's true!

bustedluv - Here's another hug: this time from the northwest. Pain has kept me from getting up off the floor before... I was really thinking there was no way I would ever, ever be able to literally get myself off my closet floor. It sounds like we have all felt that here. But surprisingly, it is possible to find joy again. Little steps that kept me going until my next appointment were very simple ones... deep breathing, holding something in my hand that is sacred to me, reading a poem or prayer. Please do not feel alone...

I want to thank everyone. I went to the SA therapist yesterday with my "wife" and she saw how bad a shape I am in. She has scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist that is familiar with SA. I am waiting to hear from them now. She thinks I am in serious condition. She is confident she can help my "wife". With time. How much?? Who knows. We have a 2:00 appointment today. We will see what happens. I am trying to hang on. It is a day to day thing and some days are worse than others. But then when have I ever had a "good day" in all of these years? I have lived the past 36 years in a state of lonliness. I don't remember what a "good day" is like'. It may be difficult for most people to believe that this can really happen to someone. But I know there are others of you out there like me who know what I am trying to say. To always be alone when you know you are supposed to be married and they are never there. Never talk to you. Never have fun or laugh with you. Ignore you while you are in the same room as they. To also witness that they do all this with others but not you. It makes you feel so unworthy, unwanted. And when at the same time, you try and love that person, to try and do all you possibly can, and they reject everything. For all of these years I didn't give up trying to get her to love me. To realize all my efforts were for nothing. It seems so hopeless now. If I stop, then what purpose do I have? Everyone must have a purpose in life. Mine became her, 36 years ago. My entire life was dedicated to her. I only wanted to share what I had with her but I was always rejected. And to find out now that she has been with so many others while rejecting me is much too much for me to accept.
But I will try and find the strength you all are trying to give me. Thank you.

Bustedluv, she isn't your purpose. YOU need to be your own purpose. And contrary to whatever you may think or feel about yourself right now, you are infinitely worth it. If the SA therapist can help your wife, then good for her, but I am concerned that you will be holding on for that. I understand! But at the same time, it sounds to me like you are a much more worthy and decent indiviual than she is. Why do you want to give her any more of your energy?

Ans also-just from a female perspective, do you have any idea how many ladies would give their right arm for a man who actually understands the meaning of commitment and fidelity? You have options other than her. Probably LOTS of them. You don't have to stick it out with this woman if you don't want to.

Yes, you somehow have to start detaching from her and focusing on what can give you pleasure and purpose in this life. I know that is hard - I am struggling with it too. And I am with you about the loneliness you have felt in your marriage as that has been the same for me, just not as long.

Remember there are other people in your life who love and depend on you - your kids, your grandchildren. You want to be a good example to them about how to handle difficult times in your life. Maybe your purpose now is to learn how to deal with this to teach your kids how to do the same. I'm sure you would not want your kids to feel this kind of hopelessness or even to have to go through the same difficult times. Keep going to help them.

I hope your appt today helps YOU. Take care. I'll be thinking of you and sending you some more healing energy.

Thank you for your miracle Doctor Osemu Okpamen

This article is dedicated to the Doctor Osemu Okpamen. I have been married with my wife for 5 years and recently she broke up with me and it hurt me deeply when she told me to leave her alone and that she does not love me anymore when i was always faithful and honest to her. I tried all the ways to get her back buying her what she wants like i always did and she still left me heart broken and she even has a new boyfriend which destroyed me even more until a friend of mine from high school directed me to this genuine spell Doctor called Osemu Okpamen. This man changed my life completely. I followed everything he told me to do and my wife came back begging for me back. I was stunned everything happened exactly like he told me. I had faith in everything he told me and everything was true. Also he was there every moment until i got my happiness back and he also provides spells that cures impotence, bareness, diseases such as HIV/AID E.T.C You can contact him via email at { Doctorokpamenspelltemple@yahoo.com } or visit his website http://www.doctorokpamenspells.com. He will help you in anything you need and quick to answer once you contact him or call me for more info +1 (914)-517-3229.