I soory to hear you are in pain. Are you in a recovery program? A good website to work on your recovery is recovery nation. I was recommened to that site. It works on you and your recovery. I found it a great site. I feel like I am pain sometimes. Right know all my focus in on my son issues at hand. Try to find something you like to do. Write in your journal - go for a walk - try to relax. I know it is hard, when your in pain. I like to read when I am down or go for walks - seems to help

I was in your shoes just a few short months ago. It was extremely difficult. I had suspicions with my husband so it wasn't really a surprise, but it was extremely hurtful (I just gave birth to his first son and it felt like he didn't care about his kids, either). At first I felt the range of emotions you listed above. That lasted until a few weeks after I let my husband move home. The more support and apologies I received from him, the better I felt. Now I am in a pretty good place, 4 months post-dday, but I still have bad days. I don't really cry anymore, I just wonder why all the time. I wonder why I didn't end up with a good husband as faithful as me. I wonder why he didn't love me enough to say no. I wonder how he could deceive me and be so sneaky and lie so much. I have gone from hating him, to feeling comforted by him, to being madly in love to feeling somewhat indifferent. I have found that the first two weeks after my period, I am feeling pretty good and as the month goes on I get more and more anger towards him. After my period when I start back on my BC pills, I start to feel better again. And I am SUPER sensitive to him. I watch every tiny thing he says or does and over-analyze it. If he is at all moody from being tired or working hard, I freak out that he is going back to being an ass and think I will have to leave him. If he doesn't want sex every night, I freak out he is going to start neglecting me again like he used to. I want my old, normal life back. Right before dday, I thought I had the best life ever. We were financially secure, we had our girl and newborn boy together and we were in process of buying our dream house. Well, we cancelled the house and lost a good part of our savings due to letting it go. Now I feel semi-depressed all the time. There is no hope of getting my dream house now, financially we are trying to get back to where we were, and the faithful husband I thought I had was really just a dream. We went from being the envy of all of our friends to me envying my friends that have faithful husbands. It just isn't fair. I keep feeling sorry for myself that I was dealt this hand.

You're not alone.

You're right...it's not easy to feel happy every day. I don't think anyone really does. Happiness is a state of mind, not an emotion.
You are overwhelmed..who wouldn't be under the circumstances. Can you depend on your H to help you in any regard and can you express this to him? Forget about trying to get back the feeling again right now, but if he can help with the burden in any way it would be a start to something other than resentment. Can he help with the kids at all? If you can sit down and make a list of how he can help you, then maybe you can tell him that in order to be happy you need to feel sane and could he please just help with the practical side of the relationship for now. Don't ask more than that of yourself right now. When you get breathing space then maybe you can ask yourself if you can get back in touch with any other feeling that might lead to a reunion of any kind.
Sending you positive energy!

Happiness, it took me months and months to be happy just one day on the onset of all this. After, I took my life back I became happiy.

Being a mother is by far the hardest job I have ever had. Owning my own company was up there but atleast I got to go home without it some days.

As a mother I never did! I was a nurse,cook,cleaning lady,consulor, fireman, coach, teacher you name it as mothers we do it. we get no sick days no vaction days and very little down time. You add this title with an addiction and I don't know how in the world some of you woman do it.

My advise to you is take some YOU time. go out with friends, send the little ones with friends make a bubble bath and clear your head. Find some help even if you have to make him step in the kids department and if that means going to his family with help with their own grandkids ...do it! I had to reenergize about every three months, so I would travel to mexico to get a break I would go with a friend and we would sit on the beach and just relaxe the entire time. The it was off to mommie world to take my title back that I really did love so much.
I will tell you that at the end of the journey of being a mom the rewards our more than you can imagine but the pay off before they are grown doesn't at times seek that way. Hang in there one day they grow up and leave and then you long for those days you were watching them cheer or play football or even race motorcycles. you never think that you will have those feeling but trust me you will. In the end I was glad I didn't give away my title! I am living the rewards now!

My advise would be to get back on the anti-depressants. There is not shame in taking the medicine. When I was in the thick of my mess I was on anti-depressants, and went BACK to my doctor and said "hey, life's too messy ..this isn't cutting it" and he gave me medicine for stress. He told me to take it as long as I felt I needed it, and then ween myself off of it. And then when I felt strong enough I did the same thing with the anti-depressants.

Even then the storm clouds clear some, our emotions can be all over the place. Especially raising children. It's just not easy. Do not be ashamed that you need medicine to help you through this, be thankful we have it. I would not have survived without mine. Our disclosure was just over a year ago, and I am finally off all of mine, but some days I wonder if I should be back on them. Thankfully I have a new outlet, roller derby, that helps keep me sane. As others said, find something that you love to do ... but please reconsider the medicine.

Hope it lifts off of you soon!