Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Hi everyone. I just joined this group/site. I discovered my H's daily pornography addiction on 6/17, using WEBWatcher spy program, I had thought he might be a latent homosexual before thinking this. He has had lifelong ED is a homophobe.. so I got the program with the help of a friends credit card, becuase he controls all the finances.
Its only been slightly over one month, and this is the most devastating thing to happen to me in over 10 years. I am 10 1/2 years sober in AA, Husband is 15 years sober. We are both around 50 yrs old.
I have a traumatic history ,with incest(older brother), and rape. I swear, I DID NOT see this coming at all. I now see that I have been attracted to SAs. most of my life.
I have been educating myself about the addiction-H is seeing a PHD psych,goes to SA meetings once a week, and is doing everything "right". He states he loves me..best thing every happened to him,best lover yada,yada..I want to beleive him.I dont think he has had physical contact with a woman, BUT I havent ruled it out. I will see my GYn soon.
My biggest problem is the NATURE of his addiction. About 85% of ther sites are teen, to young "girls". He even typed in a very frightening phrase on google search... "little girl P.......videos... He states he told his counselor this. He said it was just curiosity, and where the addiction took him. I get the concept of needing a greater "high" and needing to take risks. He was a skydiver whjen I met him. Now, we are a simple suburban family and his responsibilites are so great..
I have a 15 year old daughter who I cherish, and she was 6 when we met. His interactions with her were always "off". Not overly affectionate--just the opposite. One night, shortly after we married, my little daughter was ill,. In the middle of the night, I was concerned for her, I asked him to check in on her(I have chronic fatigue..had a long work day) and he exclaimed : " I"M NOT GOING INTO A YOUNG GIRL"S BEDROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!! I thought that was very odd, but then just disregarded it as one of his peculiarities.
I have always felt he was hiding something. I've always felt his affection was phoney and controlled, but I thought that was his OCD. I also thought he might be gay.
I am both frightened and disgusted with the "teen" porn. Many( if not most) look to be underage, regardless of the disclaimer these sites might use of the woman being over 18. I could almost believe his addiction just went to this level IF it werent for the fact that , 9 years ago, when we started dating, I was at his house. He told me that in his loneliness , being single for several years between marriages, he would look at porn. I casually looked at his browser hx, thinking nothing of it to be honest, and clearly remember reading the word LOLITA. I only recently discovered what that word, and its connotations mean.. A well know book/movie about a pedophile who married a middle aged single mom to get close to her 12 year old daughter. Also, his first wife was 15-he was almost 20 when they married. When they first had sex, she was 13--he was 18.
I am so "stuck" right now.
I do still love him, but asked him to leave /separate while we both get help.
.. he would not leave,stating it is financially impossible. My daughter wants him gone, but, he is her step dad, and is strict. We dont see eye to eye on much when it comes to MY children(none together) .
I need to know if anyone else out there has an H who drifted into, OR had an obsession with teen/young girl hardcore porn. I do not trust my own instincts or impressions. I have a hx of abuse, and dont trust men or my own judgement. I am the "independent" dependent wife. I have seen my therapist only once,but I think she will be much help. I am considering a polygraph, but he is terrified and says we cant afford it. My emotions flip flop daily. Please give me your opinions. Thank you.
Its only been slightly over one month, and this is the most devastating thing to happen to me in over 10 years. I am 10 1/2 years sober in AA, Husband is 15 years sober. We are both around 50 yrs old.
I have a traumatic history ,with incest(older brother), and rape. I swear, I DID NOT see this coming at all. I now see that I have been attracted to SAs. most of my life.
I have been educating myself about the addiction-H is seeing a PHD psych,goes to SA meetings once a week, and is doing everything "right". He states he loves me..best thing every happened to him,best lover yada,yada..I want to beleive him.I dont think he has had physical contact with a woman, BUT I havent ruled it out. I will see my GYn soon.
My biggest problem is the NATURE of his addiction. About 85% of ther sites are teen, to young "girls". He even typed in a very frightening phrase on google search... "little girl P.......videos... He states he told his counselor this. He said it was just curiosity, and where the addiction took him. I get the concept of needing a greater "high" and needing to take risks. He was a skydiver whjen I met him. Now, we are a simple suburban family and his responsibilites are so great..
I have a 15 year old daughter who I cherish, and she was 6 when we met. His interactions with her were always "off". Not overly affectionate--just the opposite. One night, shortly after we married, my little daughter was ill,. In the middle of the night, I was concerned for her, I asked him to check in on her(I have chronic fatigue..had a long work day) and he exclaimed : " I"M NOT GOING INTO A YOUNG GIRL"S BEDROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!! I thought that was very odd, but then just disregarded it as one of his peculiarities.
I have always felt he was hiding something. I've always felt his affection was phoney and controlled, but I thought that was his OCD. I also thought he might be gay.
I am both frightened and disgusted with the "teen" porn. Many( if not most) look to be underage, regardless of the disclaimer these sites might use of the woman being over 18. I could almost believe his addiction just went to this level IF it werent for the fact that , 9 years ago, when we started dating, I was at his house. He told me that in his loneliness , being single for several years between marriages, he would look at porn. I casually looked at his browser hx, thinking nothing of it to be honest, and clearly remember reading the word LOLITA. I only recently discovered what that word, and its connotations mean.. A well know book/movie about a pedophile who married a middle aged single mom to get close to her 12 year old daughter. Also, his first wife was 15-he was almost 20 when they married. When they first had sex, she was 13--he was 18.
I am so "stuck" right now.
I do still love him, but asked him to leave /separate while we both get help.
.. he would not leave,stating it is financially impossible. My daughter wants him gone, but, he is her step dad, and is strict. We dont see eye to eye on much when it comes to MY children(none together) .
I need to know if anyone else out there has an H who drifted into, OR had an obsession with teen/young girl hardcore porn. I do not trust my own instincts or impressions. I have a hx of abuse, and dont trust men or my own judgement. I am the "independent" dependent wife. I have seen my therapist only once,but I think she will be much help. I am considering a polygraph, but he is terrified and says we cant afford it. My emotions flip flop daily. Please give me your opinions. Thank you.
One of the hardest things to wrap your head around is that you never really "know" the truth with an SA. I believe we must first prioritize the safety of ourselves and our children. The history you describe is a huge red flag to me and while I don't believe in convicting a person without proof, his past behavior and his interests justify you in taking steps, at the very least to protect your daughter.
If it was me, at the very least, it would be "Get the polygraph or leave." Probably, it would be "...leave now, until and if I determine what the full extent of your problem is." Do not accept excuses about finances. My H lives in a separate part of our house which can be isolated from where the children and I, sleep. He also has rules that prevent him from ever being alone with the underage children. This is because some of his history is suspect and he accepts that he cannot "prove" his innocence. If he breaks any of the house rules, he leaves. There is no negotiation. His history is no-where near as suspect as your H with respect to underage. I find the safety of our children weighs very heavily on me.
I find it interesting that your daughter "wants" him gone. My children now know about my H's behavior and they definitely do NOT want my H gone, including my eldest who, like your daughter is actually his step-daughter. She knows the full story of H's SA because I needed to ascertain that he had never acted out with her. She is 26 years old and very frank. She has assured me in very strong terms, that he has never behaved improperly to her and she has a good grasp of his history. She does, however, take some steps to protect my granddaughter because we don't know how far he has deteriorated over the years.
One thing I feel is that you need to trust your gut instincts. I know this is very hard with an SA because we are so used to being deceived and have probably had a history of accepting excuses and when discover the SA we can come to question why we didn't pick it up and then we start to second guess ourselves and not trust our instincts. You have a young child to protect, so you must trust your instincts.
The point is, it doesn't matter if you are wrong. You can sort that out later. You are not doing anything irrevocable by asking him to leave. You are merely ensuring a safe environment for your daughter while you figure this out. If he is unprepared to co-operate, or does not accept that his breaches of trust to date necessitate him taking whatever steps are needed to create an environment where you and your daughter can feel and be, safe, then I would suggest to you that he is NOT an addict in recovery.
Follow your instincts. Protect your daughter. If he does not accept the justice of that, it is because his thinking is skewed. This is my honest opinion. Bless you.
I want to trust my "gut". I am a spiritual person,and felt that God was telling me to "trust my intsincts" weeks ago. I sometimes feel I am being led to uncover these hidden things about him.. but then I begin to look at my own history and second guess myself as you said..
(this is my third marriage) and I have a history of wanting to leave a marriage (again-I was an alcoholic-left my 1st H for all the wrong reasons..left the second because he could not get sober after 2 years of trying and lying) I will see my therapist on monday and will show her these replies. This support group is a life saver.. bless you. : )
those were very good replies above and I just want to add that I have been sober since 2005 and my h since 2009 so I understand AA. My h had dual addictions going on just as yours did. Your h has probably had this porn addiction for a long time and when he quit drinking substituted or just went over to porn to help him deal with things. So although not drinking and in a recovery program he really wasn't in recovery and actually really wasn't sober bc he was using porn. I have a lot of fear around that for myself bc I know when my h will relapse drinking but not so easily seen with SA.
I can certainly relate!! He will be celebrating 15 years in AA in 2 weeks ... He actually was dry for 7 years, not going to AA meetings, which alone made this marriage almost unbearable-now I see he had this other addiction . I dont know if the porn habit came after the drinking stopped or not-I'm still trying to sort that out. I am trying to work things out with him, and he is TRYING so hard.. is going to SA, has a sponsor, sees a therapist-- I just still have many many doubts, and its hard to work towards a closer relationship with a H when you still have SO much distrust--but then, thats were my recovery comes in, right? I am seeing my therapist shortly and going to my first Sanon meeting tonight. thank you!!
I am so confused. H hinks I have forgotten all about the polygraph. I also posted on the sex addict site here on daily strength and received input that was negative about the polygraph. Has anyone here used the polygraph? I will check the other postings. I'll keep you posted.. blessings ladies
If you and your H are seeing a therapist who specializes in this addiction, then it is best to ask them about the polygraph since it is typically administered with them present and presenting questions particular to this addiction. Also, this would be full disclosure and you would need an experienced therapist to help you through that process as well.
Despite what others may say and I am not judging the members of the SA forum here, follow your own instincts and do what is in your highest regard in this matter. Addicts who are not in recovery want to protect themselves against the truth because it means they can continue acting out if they can manipulate and placate. Understanding this will help you to make a decision based on what is best for you, not what is best for the addict.
Conniption said, "If it was me, at the very least, it would be "Get the polygraph or leave." Probably, it would be "...leave now, until and if I determine what the full extent of your problem is." She said, " I find the safety of our children weighs very heavily on me. I find it interesting that your daughter "wants" him gone. I agree. I would impose a "leave" right now...and determine your problem." I couldn't agree more. Children's protection first. His needs are secondary at that point. Children first...then you...then "maybe" him. He is obviously in "serious" trouble. There is a "huge' difference in porn and child porn.
Wach said, "Addicts who are not in recovery want to protect themselves against the truth because it means they can continue acting out if they can manipulate and placate." I agree. An addict that is not in recovery will avoid a polygraph...because they put are in a position to tell the truth...and the truth isn't something they want revealed. "Most" of the addicts on the addict site...are "not" in recovery. They use the shield of "addiction" as an excuse to continue their behavior. And, they cringe at the idea of polygraph...or truth...at all. I have not implemented polygraph for several reasons. Though, at any time I feel a need...I will.
However, if I had "any" question, any suspician, any evidence at all, regarding my H persuing child porn, or even "pretend to be" a child porn, I would "absolutely" ask him to leave, insist on a polygraph to rule out that possibility, and/or call the proper authorities. I would not want to found supporting the behavior of a predator. And, if I had children at home, I would be double quick to enforce his exit and the law.
You said, " He even typed in a very frightening phrase on google search... "little girl P.......videos." Absolutley unacceptable! He didn't stumble on something...he was "looking" for it. Now those SANON folks may think that it's ok to break the law in regard to minors...they may think it's ok to pretend to degrade minors...and they may think it's valuable to ignore those behaviors. I disagree. That is co-dependent behavior if I ever encountered it. Ok breaking the law? Ok to support degradation of minors? If I found that my H had viewed sites that degrade minors...I would report him to the law...and let "him" answer for his behavior. No matter how "nice"he may be otherwise there I "NO" allowance in my mind for involving minors in sexual perversion.
Your children...and other children...come first. The law is in place to protect children from predators. I'm glad it is. And, I will "not" support "anyone" including my H participating in degradation and injury to children. I would think that if you question your therapist they will agree that child porn is illegal. And, that your responsibility is first to the children.
Every SANON meeting is run differently as is with any other 12 step program. Since none of us were there, it would be difficult to translate exactly what transpired there so I wouldn't be too quick to judge anything taken out of context.
Yet, your therapist says "he may like looking at young teens, but in real life, and with his own children, step children he could have normal boundries as the rest of us do." Yeah, he "could?" And he also "couldn't?" Wellll, hmmm...I don't think the law makes such a distinction. Those young teens he observes are minors...and the law clearly indicates that seeking to view minors involved in porn is illegal...period. The making of such videos is illegal...and the viewing is also illegal. It is "supporting" and "participating" in the abuse of children. So, this therapist thinks it;s ok to participate in the abuse of "other" children...as long as it isn't "your" children? And, they also conclude that seeking such viewing "may" not lead to "real" activities in that regard? And, it also "may?" I'm going to have to conclude that the FBI would vehemently disagree!
You said that you asked him to leave and he excused himself because of finances? Which is more important...finances...or safety? You are protecting your daughter in your home...excellent. The fact that she wants him gone is an important factor. You said that her interests mean the most to you. My daughter's interests mean the most to me too. And, I also have your daughter's interests at heart. And, all of the "teens" these folks degrade, objectify, and abuse.
I "personally" will not tolerate that abuse, nor excuse it...for anyone...including my h...my siblings...my family...or friends. The day my H "ever" sought to view such things, and I became aware of it, is the "same day" he would be greeted by the FBI. No amount of "good" he brings to my life could ever "equal" child abuse. And, as far as empathy. I could say I might feel empathetic that his is a very sick person. But, that in no way means I would aid and abet, justify, or tolerate his behavior. He would have to answer for that himself. I will never willingly participate in that behavior.
Listen to your heart. Listen to your logic, Listen to your morals. Listen to your feelings. What do "they" say?