My apologies if I came off being disrespectful to anyone here, especially to someone who is going through extreme trauma. That was not my intention and I hope that everyone here, including our faciliator can see the good intent intended in all the posts.
I am very supportive of anyone who can make the very brave decision to leave a relationship behind that is not at all beneficial in any way, shape or form. Again, I just want to reiterate that divorce in and of itself is very painful, even in amicable situations, but added to the trauma of SA, it is very difficult.
I just read a quote by Mitch Albom that said "All endings are beginnings....we just don't know it at the time"!
Blessings and Hugs!!!

I really think that sometimes we talk an entirely different language. I believe that you can heal...personally....but maybe not while in the confines of the relationship? I understand what Help means. I couldn't heal in a relationship where the behavior continued. My XH did that...continued...over and over. Appear to quit for a while, and then try to hide and do some more. Get called out, cry like a little wus...oooooooh I love you....and then repeat.

As long as I was around him, I couldn't heal, because his behavior kept opening wounds. His behavior kept affecting me. His presence affected me. His lies assured I couldn't trust him? How could I trust if he isn't trustworthy? How could I be safe, where there was no safety? How am I going to be loving to someone who isn't? And what good did it do to repeat it? How could I set boundaries when he failed to honor anyone's boundaries? I set them, and he ran over them like a freighttrain....insidiously...behind my back, furtively....lying all along the way. And I'd suspect him again. Never could prove it though. He was a good liar, and I was naive.

However, "today", well actually when I left him, no lie would ever do....no words acceptable. I acted on what I felt...and that's all. Nothing he said or did mattered anymore. My life mattered. My health mattered. And, thanks to a good lawyer, I DID prove it...after I left. Which was very helpful for me emotionally. And that man is still the same man today. He never changed one bit. All I had accomplished while living with him was wasting my time...and harming my health. Nothing more.

When I left him I did heal. It took time but I did. However, I knew all along that I hadn't caused his behavior. It was entirely his choice. Why would the thought have ever entered my mind that I did anything to initiate his behavior? Unless of course I had been treating him badly, which I hadn't. There had never been a valid reason for his behavior. But he did it anyway. And, I couldn't trust him. And I wasn't safe around him either. So what purpose would there be in staying? I stayed, not because I believed "I" had done something wrong...but because I couldn't understand how anyone could be treated well and with respect, and behave that way. It made no sense. So, I kept trying to have him see that it made no sense....and trying to figure out why anyone would behave that way. I came to know that he did EXACTLY as he chose...and only HE decides how he'll act.

The only thing I ever figured out is that he is an individual capable of behaving anyway he wants to, including that way. And, that he did exactly as he wanted to. I realized that he was endangering both my physical and mental health...and that "I" had to take care of myself. Which, in that situation meant getting away from the source of the abuse...him.

My situation now I "think" is very different. I suppose truly that remains to be seen doesn't it? What I DO know is this...that if he ever makes a move that direction...if he ever steps over one of my boundaries...I will do exactly as I have done before....let him live the results of his own behavior. I will leave, because I know that he behaves exactly as he chooses too. And that I have nothing to do with his choices. I will make my own choice. To protect myself from injury. And at that time, there will be nothing he can say, or do, to change my mind. My boundaries are set, he's been informed, and he will decide the fate of the relationship. I will decide my own fate...personally.

I think that support can mean many things. Means one thing to some...a different thing to others. And no one has all the answers for everyone. I feel I can know some of the things, some of the time. But, I can't know all things, all of the time? I think that there is support for the marriage. Support for the inidividual person's decisions. Support via hearing alternative views. Support of just being heard. Support of feelings while venting. Support while struggling with decisions. Support and validation of each's unique perspective. Support while leaving a marriage.

I have felt at times that some think the "marriage" is more important than the person's health or happiness. My "personal" view is that marriage is nothing if you're not healthy and happy in it. However, that is only "my" opinion. And I can still support someone if the marriage is the most important thing to them at any given time. Sometimes the need for the marriage outweighs personal needs. And, sometimes it doesn't. I hope that I can support someone if they need to tend themselves and their health apart from marriage. And that I can support them if the thing they feel they most need to do is stay in the marriage. The ultimate decision about what is best for themselves...is always the best decision to be made. And I think that's always the thing to support.

Help has asked that her 2 posts be deleted, as at the moment she is not able to cope with added stress. I am going to honor her wish.
However since her posts started a change of direction to the original topic and support for 2songs, I am going to have to delete some proceeding posts whichrefer to Help. I'll give everyone applicable the rest of day to save or copy and paste their words, just in case you wish to keep them.

Thankyou for your understanding. So let's get together and support 2Songs

I'll second that.

Lorilou

2Songs God bless you sweetheart. Thinking and praying for you and your family today!

2Songs: I know your decisions are hard right now. Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. I hope nothing I said was hurtful. I've been on both sides of this problem. And can only share the pain it brought, and in one case the outcome. I've divorced. And I've stayed. The situations somewhat different, so the decisions different. Either way, I found it very painful. Just know that your feelings aren't foreign. And you're not alone. And that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you. The hurt will go in time. Hugs to you!

I am sorry a couple of these posts may not run in line. A member asked that 2 of her posts be deleted, and a couple of posts after that had to be deleted as they were in response to her post, and not applicable to the original topic. I hope everyone is understanding and supportive of the members reasons. If not, please message me privately, for more understanding.
My page is currently a private profile, but you are still able to send me a message......Go to your 'My Messages', select 'send a message' and put my name in the 'TO' section.

Thankyou

I just wanted to say that to update this last post, as i haven't been on for awhile, but I'm still here w/H. Many arguments and late night crying on both parts. IHowever, I do want to make this clear that it's not a threat/ultimatime that is made upon him. He knew this, and decided he wanted to change for himself, and to save our relationship and family. We've decussed it, and my strong feelings against him using porn is not keeping him here. However, I also know to expect relapses. My deciding to leave isn't based upon that, but more based upon !) me finding out on my own 2) Him lying about it 3) His deceitfullness 4) His abandoning the children when I am not home, working. So, there I stand. Our 1 year mark is coming up for this "big discovery"...no, definitely not the first, but the worst. It's actually 48 hours from now. that's something else I have to deal with....the one year mark of whether I stay or not.

Anniversaries are tough and can trigger a lot of emotions. I hope that you know that you have support here. One thing I have learned for myself is to not put pressure on myself about making life changing decisions. I found for myself that maintaining my own healthy boundaries at home have enabled me to continue my relationship with my H as long as he is in recovery. It takes a very long time for SAs to reach sobriety and only then can they clearly see how badly they acted in order to protect themselves. Hugs!

2Song: Only he can address his issues, especially about lying. So very damaging. These personal decisions regarding our future are so hard to make. But, only we can make them. Like Wach said, you have complete control over your time frames for decision making. And, only you can decide if you feel there is any hope for him to make the right decisions for his family. Whatever you decide is best for you at this time, is best.