Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Last Friday - One week after moving out, I sent this email to him. You wouldn't believe what he said about it!
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I prefer to do this in an email because talking to you in person obviously does no good. When you asked me the other night if I meant what I said about trying to work things out, YES I did mean it. But you showed me otherwise so I felt that I had to just move on. I just want you to know that I am hurt beyond words at what you did to me. I am angry, upset, humiliated, disgusted, and thankful. YES - I said it , , , , thankful!
I am thankful for the beautiful son we had together. I love him with all of my heart and soul and being. He is my life and the reason I am alive today.
I am thankful for the home you gave me and XXXXX for the last 15 years even though it is a shithole and you seemed to give up on it.
I am thankful for the motorhome you bought and the truly wonderful times we had in it. I was always my happiest when I was camping in the motorhome whether it was on the beach or at a campground somewhere in our many travels. I will always cherish that.
I am thankful for your mother and father who I also considered "my" mother and father. They treated me like their own daughter and told me they were losing a daughter when I told them I was leaving. I will always keep in touch with them.
I am thankful for your sister who I also considered "my" sister. She treated me like her own sister and told me she was losing a sister when I told her I was leaving. I will always keep in touch with her.
I am thankful to you for you bringing Angel, Baby, Mitts, and Peanut into our lives. They have brought me so much joy and I will miss them with all my heart.
I am thankful for all the good times we had together in our almost 29 years. Yes we did have lots of good times whether it was with my family or your family, with friends or on vacations or even just hanging out at home.
I am thankful for the times you made me feel very special like I was yours "only and exclusively" even though there weren't many of them. I am also thankful for whatever love you gave me and showed me and I'm sorry that it stopped , , , but I realize that I cannot force you to love me.
And finally I am thankful that you set me free!
I am free of your mental and verbal abuse.
I am free of the many ways you have disrespected me and XXXXX - and still do!
I am free of your blatant disregard for my (and XXXXX'X) thoughts and feelings about anything and everything.
I am free of your insecurities and addictions and how they pushed me away from you.
I am free from a relationship where your main and only concern was, still is and always will be sex. Everything else was never important to you.
I am free of your lies.
I am free of your total selfishness, and self centeredness.
I am free of how irresponsible you have become.
I am free of being embarrassed and humiliated over your actions and things you have done and I am finally free from making up excuses for them.
I am free of your impatience and your intolerance for those you don't like or have no time for because you can't benefit from anything they may give you and that includes your own family.
I am free of blaming myself for who and what you have become because I now truly believe is NOT and NEVER was my fault!
I AM FREE and I am thankful!
So you see, even though I still love you and I am hurt beyond words and angry, upset, humiliated and disgusted, I will not feel that way forever. As time goes on I will accept what has happened and I will move on and I will be happy again and most of all I will have learned from everything I have been through. My wish is that someday I will meet someone who will truly make me happy and love me for me.
I also hope that someday you do find whatever or whoever it is that you are looking for because I don't think you have found it yet and you probably never will. I truly believe that YOU don't even know what that is. You are not capable of any kind of "emotional" relationship because you are not happy with who you are. You need to love yourself before you can even begin to love others and you're just not there yet.
You need to stop using people for your own sick, twisted, selfish reasons because that is what you are doing right now with that pig you're with. You don't give a s--t about her and you know it. It's only and all about the sex and until you seek the help you truly need, it will never change. She won't realize it either because unfortunately, she's as f----d up as you are and has her own issues too. So you can put up with her filthy, drunkin, skanky ass that she wants YOU to wipe and diaper because she imagines being with you for that long!
Well that's all I have to say for now. I'm sorry that you had to go and throw away almost 29 years of our lives together. It saddens me that anyone could be so heartless and not even care as you have shown, but that's what happens when you think with your dick and not your head and your heart. Stupid is as stupid does.
Have a nice life - whatever you make of it.
Chris
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I prefer to do this in an email because talking to you in person obviously does no good. When you asked me the other night if I meant what I said about trying to work things out, YES I did mean it. But you showed me otherwise so I felt that I had to just move on. I just want you to know that I am hurt beyond words at what you did to me. I am angry, upset, humiliated, disgusted, and thankful. YES - I said it , , , , thankful!
I am thankful for the beautiful son we had together. I love him with all of my heart and soul and being. He is my life and the reason I am alive today.
I am thankful for the home you gave me and XXXXX for the last 15 years even though it is a shithole and you seemed to give up on it.
I am thankful for the motorhome you bought and the truly wonderful times we had in it. I was always my happiest when I was camping in the motorhome whether it was on the beach or at a campground somewhere in our many travels. I will always cherish that.
I am thankful for your mother and father who I also considered "my" mother and father. They treated me like their own daughter and told me they were losing a daughter when I told them I was leaving. I will always keep in touch with them.
I am thankful for your sister who I also considered "my" sister. She treated me like her own sister and told me she was losing a sister when I told her I was leaving. I will always keep in touch with her.
I am thankful to you for you bringing Angel, Baby, Mitts, and Peanut into our lives. They have brought me so much joy and I will miss them with all my heart.
I am thankful for all the good times we had together in our almost 29 years. Yes we did have lots of good times whether it was with my family or your family, with friends or on vacations or even just hanging out at home.
I am thankful for the times you made me feel very special like I was yours "only and exclusively" even though there weren't many of them. I am also thankful for whatever love you gave me and showed me and I'm sorry that it stopped , , , but I realize that I cannot force you to love me.
And finally I am thankful that you set me free!
I am free of your mental and verbal abuse.
I am free of the many ways you have disrespected me and XXXXX - and still do!
I am free of your blatant disregard for my (and XXXXX'X) thoughts and feelings about anything and everything.
I am free of your insecurities and addictions and how they pushed me away from you.
I am free from a relationship where your main and only concern was, still is and always will be sex. Everything else was never important to you.
I am free of your lies.
I am free of your total selfishness, and self centeredness.
I am free of how irresponsible you have become.
I am free of being embarrassed and humiliated over your actions and things you have done and I am finally free from making up excuses for them.
I am free of your impatience and your intolerance for those you don't like or have no time for because you can't benefit from anything they may give you and that includes your own family.
I am free of blaming myself for who and what you have become because I now truly believe is NOT and NEVER was my fault!
I AM FREE and I am thankful!
So you see, even though I still love you and I am hurt beyond words and angry, upset, humiliated and disgusted, I will not feel that way forever. As time goes on I will accept what has happened and I will move on and I will be happy again and most of all I will have learned from everything I have been through. My wish is that someday I will meet someone who will truly make me happy and love me for me.
I also hope that someday you do find whatever or whoever it is that you are looking for because I don't think you have found it yet and you probably never will. I truly believe that YOU don't even know what that is. You are not capable of any kind of "emotional" relationship because you are not happy with who you are. You need to love yourself before you can even begin to love others and you're just not there yet.
You need to stop using people for your own sick, twisted, selfish reasons because that is what you are doing right now with that pig you're with. You don't give a s--t about her and you know it. It's only and all about the sex and until you seek the help you truly need, it will never change. She won't realize it either because unfortunately, she's as f----d up as you are and has her own issues too. So you can put up with her filthy, drunkin, skanky ass that she wants YOU to wipe and diaper because she imagines being with you for that long!
Well that's all I have to say for now. I'm sorry that you had to go and throw away almost 29 years of our lives together. It saddens me that anyone could be so heartless and not even care as you have shown, but that's what happens when you think with your dick and not your head and your heart. Stupid is as stupid does.
Have a nice life - whatever you make of it.
Chris
I haven't been able to look at our past together without the black-tinted glasses of porn distorting every memory to a painful twisted image. I hate that feeling sooo much. I saw a photo of us at my brother's house recently and the happy looks on our faces combined with the knowledge of his activities at that time just destroyed me again. I sobbed for hours. Haven't looked at any photos any more. Way too much for me to stand. I guess I'm really messed up bad.
What did he say? I can't imagine what he would say to your heartfelt words. They made me cry.
SheenRe - I still have my crying bouts believe me. The smallest thing will set me off. I too hate the "black tinted glasses of porn distorting every memory" but I still am thankful for the good memories. This is still extremely hard for me but I felt that I had to tell him that so I did.
Release and don't contact him again. That is when I felt the moments of sadness turn to anger and then to complete relief. I had the day to day moments and those disappeared when I started living for me. You did so good!!! I'm proud of you girl!
I would now echo exactly what itsmybiz is suggesting....release him. Let him make his choices, and now you can know they no longer hold power over you. You're free to love and be loved, to make choices, to set standards and boundaries that you didn't know you were allowed to have...you have so much going for you now. But like Leona Lewis says in her latest single, "it's gonna hurt when it heals too".
Good luck Chrissy.
His response is clear, he completely turned it around on you. Such denial. Although his lack of words and lack of anger, tells me something got in, but he has chosen his addiction, and you have chosen life. Embrace it, release him from your heart and you will heal.
Proud of you!