Well, I can't speak for everyone, but I haven't had those victories really. I am not in my own place -- in fact I am perpetually in our home taking care of our 2 small children while he gets to escape reality (as usual). I'm hating life right now... but I am really and truly happy for you. I hope I can get there again.

Raini...that's the point. Where are they (the victories)? I don't just mean for you I mean for the spouses of SA's everywhere. I want to see us taking care of ourselves. Big or small!!!! Doing something that is truly for you or me or her, her or her! I understand the kid thing. I have them. I understand the scared thing, I'm scared. I get it. I get being sucked into his addiction, I'm sucked in. But that's the thing......I need to not be. I need to be living my life. I'm going to miss it if I don't. We only get 1 shot at this (life). Just like they do. We want them to be ok so badly that we are missing out!!! They are missing out, but more importantly I'm going to wake up and it will have passed me by. I"m already missing soooo much and have missed soooo much, cause I"m begging and pleading for him to be sober. What is that going to do for ME???? I mean it will make him better (or will it?) and I will still be ME!!! I will still be the same person I am unless I change too! Because there is a reason I picked an addict and he's not my first.

OMG you mirror my thoughts. Part of my recovery is figuring out why I choose these types. I guess I am having small victories actually. I am starting to hang out with other women again and try to cultivate friendships. My self-esteem is shot and I've had issues with him hitting on my friends in the past so I usually would shy away from that.

I know in my heart that no matter how much better he'll be at the end of this it's up to me to be better for myself. It's just so hard to get motivated when you are immersed in the reminders.

I didn't realize that it was appropriate to talk about what I was doing in the middle of all his craziness. I can tell you that I think the reason I am able to get through this is because he is not my whole world. I just got back from 4 days in the mountains with several of the women of my family to celebrate my mom's 82nd birthday. And I will be leaving next week for 3 days with my 10 month old granddaughter who is the joy of my life. I have been busy writing a book for her first birthday (about her and my 1st adventure when I took care of her for 4 days) and also a family history book on my grandmother and the ancestors related to her. I have friends who I occasionally get together with for lunch or to see a play/movie and a daughter who loves scary movies like me. I think my life is good but at the same time, his addiction does have a major influence on the quality of my life and on my emotions. It has been hard not to be overwhelmed and sad this last month.

Harmony...i personally get strength from others in my situation living life anywy. Its encouraging to me! It gives me srength to keep taking care of myself. It helps me keep my focus off of him and on me.

I find i have enough coping with my mothers illness and my dad is not coping well. I go over and help out when i can. Plus i help others out it really helps me too. We have to concentrate on ourselves and let our other half get on with treatment. Even if we feel selfish it is not as we also need couciling for being co- dependants. It is hard but know there are many like us and we need support as well. You will go through all sorts of emotions especially grief for what was not real about your life with h. Allow the grief emotions to play out you are normal. Accept sadness it is part of the healing as is pain and tears. We are so lucky this addiction has been reconized. There are a lot of support groups who meet try one for yourself. Do you have an addiction services they maybe able to steer you to one. Most important you are not alone. I hope you find this will help.

It's funny that the other day on "The Talk" (afternoon tv show on CBS) they stated that research shows that women are more apt to scoop on their partners than men are, which includes going through pockets, phones, cars, etc.
Then the subject turned to 'sex addiction', which they said was not really an addiction! I nearly jumped up to attack the damn tv! How DARE they even go there! Thankfully Mrs. Osborne disagreed and stated that she believes that it really is an addiction, because she has had experience with someone in her life who is/was affected...
Anyway, my point being - it's difficult to concentrate on one's self and one's own passions when this sexual crap is literally EVERYWHERE we look!
Commercials, billboards, magazines, the internet, the mall (I went there today with my grand kids. We passed by Victoria's Secret window displays showing topless women turned away in order to show off their pantied ass wearing Victoria Secret panties & nothing else!) I wanted to cover my 9yr old grandson's eyes.
That said, I do spend time beading and making jewelry at home, as well as playing with and training our dogs.
The beading is relaxing and the dogs are always good for making me laugh or cuddling. :)

It is about us Sunshine! That is why it is so important to put ourselves and hour highest good first for a change.

I might be one of the few who actually kicked her husband out from my last discovery. We have two small kids but for some reason my instincts took over and that was that.

All I can say is that the trauma of the latest discovery and being apart from him has been the most painful time for me but it has also been the most illuminating and strengthening time for me. I've gone deep down into those dark places of me and now, 7 months later I'm feeling strong and hopeful about my life without him. I was terrified about having to leave the family home or where I'd be financially but those worries have slowly and at times very difficultly sorted themselves out.

I absolutley hated him for months but them started to realize that how I treated him throughout this, he in turn would treat me the same way back. I've come to be ok with the fact that I will never get the big apology out of him that I was desperately seeking but for now I have stability and that means the world to me.

If you stay with a husband who is SA then yes, the focus should be on yourself. Build yourself up strong and make an exit plan should the time come when you've had enough.

Strongalone, thank you for your words. I needed to hear that after a really hard time, you are hopeful about your new life. I am just starting that process and am somewhat fearful and definitely sad. Although I'm mad about the way one person can change big parts of my life, I do not hate him. He has hurt me deeply but I see how much pain he is in too. He has ruined his own life as well. For most of his life the consequences weren't evident but they definitely are now. And Only, if The View would see and feel what we have experienced, they would not minimize the addictive nature of this. I may see if I can find the program online and send them a letter. No doubt some high profile people (and not high profile) use the disease aspect to cover up bad behavior (try to get out of trouble) which in turn causes the public to scoff at the word "sex addiction." For many others who don't believe, it is a lack of knowledge. Sex is such a taboo subject which like Only said it actually ridiculous when you look at how sexualized our society is. I even have a friend who laughed the first time I told her and who still doesn't get it. She is very liberal in her attitudes and I think, she thinks I am just a prude despite several attempts to explain it to her. I just don't talk about it with her anymore. Anyway, thank you all. I wish I could scoop you all up and take you right now to a much better place but when I read your posts, I know you'll all get there on your own. Everyone have a great Sunday. Do at least one nice thing for YOURSELF. I'm added to Armstrong Nursery and then the garden.

Strong...thank you for sharing. I moved out with our daughter in May. I have had lots of contact with my H and have let him stay with us sometimes, but he's got his own place and I'm getting to the point where I'm just done. I don't want him over and I don't want to pretend we are ok. He isn't doing what I need him to do to be with him and it SUCKS. It makes me soooo sad that he's picking this addiction over his family. I'm going lots of things for me and I'm grateful that I have a supporting family. I still get really sad and I still get angry. I am slowly learning to let go of that picture in my mind that will not be for me. I'm certain there is something else that will replace it and I know that if I don't open myself up to the possibilites of a good future with a new picture I will miss it and I don't want to do that. I have noticed that on most sites that I have found couples are trying very hard to save their relationships and it's harder to find posts from people who are in my place. Thank you for that. I was feeling very alone (not that I didn't try to save my relationship or that it can't work for some, I just know that my H isn't going to change).

HUGS!!!

sunshine...you said it all..."it makes me soooo sad that he's picking this addiction over family." my now ex H, chose his addiction over his family over and over again. that was when i finally had the courage to leave.

there is life beyond feeling chained to an addict. i am grateful that i got out alive. at one point i was so depressed about our utterly failing marriage...i couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

i have CHOSEN to try to stay healthy...he has CHOSEN to stay sick.

I fall into the same area with Strong, I kicked my H out in January and survival instincts took over to provide for my 2 young kids. I have my ups and downs but am finding such strength within that I can make it on my own. Friends and family have definitely helped along the way. The weight of not worrying about what H was doing and not playing private investigator to make sure he was sober has been lifted so I can focus on myself and my kids. For me personally, I have joined 2 adult softball teams which has really helped on those frustrating days. For some its going to the gym, for me it is softball where I can get out on the field and take every frustration I have out on the ball and feel so good afterwards (win or lose). My time is now, I am 100% focused on me so that I can be a better Mom and move on with my life.

Hurt,

Thanks for sharing. I like what you said about not playing private investigator. I spent the 1st 4 or 5 years of our marriage doing that.....and that was before I figured out he was an addict. Boy I was good too :)
I couldn't make it stop, but I could find out all those little details that made me cringe and some how validated me (made me the "good one" in the relationship.) Anyway...those days are long gone and I find such comfort in my own place and the quiet and the piece that's there. NO addict, no mess to clean up because he was sleeping all day (or whatever), there's food in the fridge and when I cook something and want to take it for lunch it's there! It's the little things that make me sigh with relief. IT's not perfect and i'm still angry, Etc,....but I get strength from hearing about others who are taking this path too. I hate the loneliness that comes, but I start school next week and I'm filling my schedule with that sort of thing. I"m seeing my counselor and my daughter is a gymnast and her meets are starting again too. We will be plently occupied and I'm looking forward to it. Good luck to all in our position. It's not fun!!!

So nice to hear from others in the same circumstance! There really is light on the other side of this and I feel comfort in knowing that others chose the same path as me. 100% you don't have to stand by and support someone through this addiction over and over again. I've chosen myself, finally and I'm damn glad I did.

I actually feel a lot of joy lately. I keep thinking, is this normal to feel this happy in the midst of all this?? But yes, life is what we make it and we are all resilient souls, our children included. If we are happy and stable, they will be too.