Hi

I remember earlier on in this journey asking myself some of these very questions 2songs. They are certainly valid questions, and seeking the answers can help you move forward in your recovery.
Something that helped me on the question "Is it an addiction?" was this link shared to me by a SA on the main board. It was also very enlightening for my h. It answered the many "why's", we both had.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKDFsLi2oBk (six worthy parts)

It was from this site that my h also found helpful...
http://yourbrainonporn.com/

Peace.....and Happy New Years xx

thanks for the responses, as questions get us thinking even more. I didn't state earlier on that we were both in therapy because of this addiction. He was in therapy for about 1 1/2 years and no longer "needs" the sessions as his therapist said he was doing great in recovery. H calls in to check in from time to time. I was also in therapy due to the trauma this has all caused me for about a year. We have a nice stockpile of books that I still read, roughly 15-20 books and workbooks total, regarding his addicition, my insecurities, and our marriage.

So, now that we are in the latter recovery stages, I'm wondering this as it is something we both have to live with for the rest of our lives. It's always in the back of my head though. As I started back to school this fall, H was left home alone with the kids more than I preferred, but I had no choice. Trust had to play a big factor during the time I wasn't available to him.

It would be 2 years this February of the last discovery, and the most "eventful" one where I came very close to leaving him. I found myself wondering, outside the box so to speak, about the actual concept and belief of addiction; where it comes from and what role society plays in it.

I found myself comparing my reaction to both relationships. With my ex, I did just turn my head as I was under the belief that it was normal and 'boys will be boys'. Maybe I didn't care that much about now ex back then as to why it didn't affect me as badly as the sex addiction hurt me with my now H. This is where I started wondering is it society that places such a taboo on the behaviors.

Maybe I am using the word blame here as asserting one's continuing behavior and the consequences that follow on the idea that the addiction, something that takes over the mind of an individual, is the underlying "excuse" given to such actions. Is classifying such unacceptable behavior labeled as an addiction justification to the actions performed, to assert the fault of the person on what we define as an 'addicition'?

I find it hard to accept that we are to blame all of their behaviors (100%) on such an addicion (blame=holding the addiciton responsible for the actions)

Is classifying such unacceptable behavior labeled as an addiction justification to the actions performed, to assert the fault of the person on what we define as an 'addicition'?

I find it hard to accept that we are to blame all of their behaviors (100%) on such an addicion (blame=holding the addiciton responsible for the actions)

I don't think that's really the question at all. First of all, it's not about blame...it's about taking responsibility. Blame comes from shame and judgment. Taking responsibility comes from a loving adult who wants to live their lives in their highest regard.

If you don't want to call it an addiction, that's okay. I won't argue semantics, but how did it make you feel? How did it impact your relationship? How do you feel now that you've both had a process through which you have worked on some sort of recovery?

Also, why do you assert that you are to take the blame for something he was doing long before he met you?

I still feel like some spouses feel the need to blame someone or something and that to say that it's an addiction is just an easy way to explain their behavior.

Anything can become an addiction. Thinking too much and over analyzing anything is addicting and can just as easily protect you from your core feelings of total helplessness over that which you have no control as much as your H who used sx to avoid his own uncomfortable feelings.

I do wish you well for the new year. May you both continue to stay open to learning, heal from trauma and continue to move forward in your respective lives, addiction or not!

So, now that we are in the latter recovery stages, I'm wondering this as it is something we both have to live with for the rest of our lives. It's always in the back of my head though. As I started back to school this fall, H was left home alone with the kids more than I preferred, but I had no choice. Trust had to play a big factor during the time I wasn't available to him.

I wanted to address one more thing and this is a very big issue for a lot of spouses, even for me at times. It's the fact that we really have no control over anyone else ever. Personally, I am working on this very big issue for me since I was a major co-dependent and I believed that I did have control over my H's behavior and he believed I did too, but that was a false belief. Learning to accept that I have no control has freed me to focus on myself so while you felt you had to trust him more when you really weren't ready to, you did something good for yourself by going to school. You made the better choice for yourself, even if he made a lesser choice while you were out of the house. Yes, this thing has changed you and it changed him forever so in that respect we do have to live with that because of the changes that come out of recovery. I don't see that as a bad thing. I see that as a positive step in the right direction.

I looked up the definition of addiction. So I'll leave it up to the reader to decide if it's really an addiction or just "boys being boys".

Addiction is a persistent, compulsive dependence on a behavior or substance.

Wach what you said here resonated with me on so many levels.

---------------------I almost feel like you want to throw in the towel and just call it a day. Let him have his prn and I'll just adjust to it. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I know for a fact for every one spouse who comes here looking for help, there are probably hundreds who don't because of just this attitude. They will look the other way and just pretend that this is their "normal" and that this is something they should accept because that's what guys do.

It's better to blame it on your insecurities then expect him to take the blame for how you feel. This isn't about blame though. This is about someone finally taking responsibility for the fact that they use sx in any form to escape their own insecurities, their own fears, their own very uncomfortable and overwhelming feelings that probably extend all the way back to their childhood. --------------------------------

When I first realized my H had an issue with porn I blew it off as "it's a guy thing" but somewhere deep in my soul I knew I was in my own denial. Over the years his porn issue grew to the point where he was spending every free minute of his day online viewing porn, then going to porn chat sites, then it escalated to an emotional relationship with one of the models he met on what of these sites, then it escalated to an actual physical relationship with a stripper/prostitute. The issue with porn and porn chat sites lasted for the first 10 years we were together and that was when I was most in my denial. Like I said at first I was of the "it's a guy thing" belief, but I was also feeling immensely confused, hurt, rejected. Once a therapist actually said the word "SA" I started to educate myself. All the while I was still in my own denial because I didn't want my H to be a SA. I didn't want to have to face & deal with all the things that come along with being the spouse of a SA. 10 years of my life spent in this state of denial, then semi denial, then the escalation and it was time for me to get honest with myself. The past 2 years since it escalated have been the hardest of my life, yet they've also been 2 years of growth and self discovery. They've been 2 years of "aha" moments. They've been 2 gruelling years of slowly coming out of the dark and my own denial. They've been 2 years of finally becoming honest with myself about my H's addiction, (yes I believe it is an addiction) and of becoming honest with myself about his progress, or lack thereof, in his own "recovery". So after his last episode of acting out this Fall, I made the decision to divorce. Oddly enough my H immediately stopped everything he was doing in his own "recovery" , went full force into his addiction and blamed me for all of it. I realized that he'd just been going through the motions in terms of his own recovery and still isn't in a place where he can take responsibility for his own actions. And that is no longer acceptable to me. I am so grateful that I am finally out of my own denial and am looking forward to my future.

Thanks Wach for this " It's the fact that we really have no control over anyone else ever." That is so true! Though I never did feel as if I had any control over his choices in behavior at all, I did have difficulty with attempting to guard myself from my emotional response to his choices. I also had difficulty at times with dread regarding what he might do that might trigger the emotional trauma again. I feel like I had to learn to accept that there was that possibility and that I had to make a personal choice about whether or not it was worth the risk to wait and see. I came to a conclusion...or really many about that. Once I set my boundaries in place and the consequences for me...of a breach of those boundaries, I had to just accept that it would hurt and yet I would do what was best for me if I saw those things again. At that point, I was no longer trusting him per se...I was trusting me. I had to realize that I had already endured the shock of discovery, the emotional distress, and that if necessary I could do so again. I began to wonder when it was fresh if I could endure it. I think you've expressed that feeling too at some point or another about the panic of the emotional flooding. Actually, I could do what I needed to do far easier now because my decisions were already made and implemented. So, I came to trust....me. I still do...and that is the most important thing of all...to me. Can I "really" trust him? Don't know...don't really "need" to know. Far better that I trust me...where I can depend on it.

As you shared, we control no one else anyway. So, the one we can control is ourselves. My H is free in this life to do anything he wishes to do. He is also responsible for the choices he makes. I am free to do as I wish, and I am responsible for the choices I make. So, if he should return to that behavior I have already explored my feelings, my values, my goals in this life, and I have set clear boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not. And, really "I" am the only person who can defend my right to freedom of choice for my personal life. My H could very well not share those same values, and that is ok...for him. But, reducing my personal values, or life satisfaction is my decision to make and only I am in that driver's seat.

You shared, "Yes, this thing has changed you and it changed him forever so in that respect we do have to live with that because of the changes that come out of recovery. " I agree with that too. I have radically changed. My H has too. The two folks who confronted this particular traumatic experience don't exist anymore. We have both learned a lot of things and all of those things are beneficial to know. I can't say I would choose to learn them if I didn't have to...but I am glad that since I did have to I learned them. I kind of think of it as a wake-up call... a reality check...on where my life...and our lives as a couple were going. This issue uncovered a lot of failure to attend many things. I am aware now. He is aware now. I have made my choices and he his. We chose as individuals to delve into "possibilities" and to see whether or not we are good together. I think we are at this time....and the future is revealed to no one.

Thank you all for this eye opening conversation. I was much in need of this wisdom myself on my journey. I have never thought of it as discovery, the finding a new event, and how to deal with it has always been an issue for me.

I COMPLETELY agree with Sheenre!! They knew what they were doing was wrong or they would not hide it from us! I did the same because I know I deserve more than the shit I found out about. Not only did he cheat, but it was with men and women! This is not my idea of a relationship I want to be in even after 20 years! I made too many excuses for him in the past and finally admitted the truth to myself when I found it out. Yes he had issues from the past and I was there for him for so long and this is what I get for being a caring, loving wife! So I confronted him and said "we're done" and stuck to it. Now he is getting help and going to SA meeting and blahblah blah....good for him and hopefully he will stick to it for himself and for our kids. But he lost me and it is his biggest regret....I just can't forget the images I found! Not part of my morals what so ever!
Good luck to everyone going thru this, but remember only u can decide what is right for u.
And I am allowed to" judge" because it happened to me, I saw the behaviour and actions and know what is true....call it a judgment I call it the facts!
In my opinion Addiction is a lack of will to take responsibility for ones actions.

I understand your anger, disappointment and disgust. I am disappointed in my h's lack of accountability. He admitted what he did and says he takes ownership but isn't very sincere with it. His shame comes through as rage and that is difficult for me to find compassion for most of the time. I kept wanting to understand how, why and I don't think that is possible. That is my final analysis I think

Hi
Today 1st day on a blog site ever!
Husband disclosed finally after 13 years of marriage 19 months we/he has been in recovery.
Great sight and insight. I have to say I also have questioned behavior vs. addiction. Especially the
first time he wanted to go to a SA workshop. I love your responses. I hope I can get & give support
here to get out of my isolation. (Not that sitting at a computer alone isn't isolation) You women are
deserving of healing.

Hi affirm! Welcome. Please come to the other discussion group also. I think there might be a little more activity over there. It's SpousesPartners of Sex Addicts. We all need eachother to get through this traumatic time whether we stay in our relationships or not.