Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Love to hear thoughts on this idea my therapist tossed out the other day. I said I'm still having trouble reacting the moment I know my h is surfing porn. I come home and know things don't feel right in the room and can see it on his face that he was in the middle of looking at porn. My normal pattern is to go a little blank and maybe talk about some mundane thing like the shopping list we were looking for. Then, a day or two later, I bring up the situation and tell him how it made me feel. At least I'm getting better at that part. This whole scenario is happening less and less btw...but I'm not fooling myself that it isn't ever going to happen again...because I know it probably is...next week or next year, don't know. But I would like to be able to react the moment it happens and not be slow to process until the next day...but i was having trouble imagining what that reaction would look like. Would I smash the computer? Would I yell and throw plates at the wall? Cry? Storm back out of the house and go to a friends? Sit and talk calmly and tell him how I feel at that moment while explaining I'm trying not to blank out and disconnect from him and my surroundings? Maybe that would be the best thing. But he threw out an idea for me to think about. What about if I sit down next to him and ask him to show me what he was looking at and ask why he looks and what it does for him? Not in a way that has an intent to shame or supervise or "catch him in the act" or judge or make it seem like I'm trying to participate and get off with him. But in a way that is more objective...wanting to understand and discuss like an anthropologist. Maybe also like a spiritual advisor...walking alongside him in his darkness and wondering together if there ever was a time when this wasnt okay for him either and when did that change into being okay? Why is it okay now? Where do we go from here? I'm not sure I could pull it off but thinking about giving it a try and curious what would happen. I don't think my h would respond in any kind of open way with me...but maybe he would....?
Here is the dialog my H and I use from Imago therapy by Harvel Hendrix.... even though your H is not on to the dialog it will help you to express yourself without getting into the fight.....In addition you must not violate these boundaries according to Pia Melody....
Do not yell,
call names,
lie,
wall off,
get physical...(give yourself at least 0 feet away from him to better express yourself),
act as if you are better than him by being sarcastic, condescending, smug, etc.,
steal or plot vindication,
make idol threads,
manipulate or attempt to control....detach from the outcome,
...that is all I can remember for now but here is the outline for the dialog....
1) State the facts - example: Honey do you have time to talk? If you do please allow me to read this to you before you respond..."I found evidence that you have been looking at porn."
2) State your thoughts about the above statement ( using "I" statements, not "you" as this sounds accusing and puts him on the defensive) - example: "I make up that this means you are not taking recovery seriously and you have relapsed.
3) State your feelings regarding number 1 & 2. ( use the phrase "I make myself feel....." rather than "This makes me...." as this shows you control your feelings and reactions not the circumstances) -example - I make myself feel sad, fearful, angry but hopeful.
4) State what you propose as a solution, possible consequences or work on a compromise - example - I propose that we make an appointment with our therapist so we can work this out or I plan to have an in house separation until further notice.
.....keep all of this as brief as possible. Studies show if this goes beyond sound bites the recipient tunes out.
Then ask him if he has a different perception and ask for feedback. If you feel he does not understand what you have stated in anyway ask him to repeat what you told him....you would be surprised how often people hear something completely different than what you stated so if you are up to it and think he will cooperate you might even have him do this regardless.
It might help for you to write your dialog here so you can have feedback from outside unbiased sources that may be able to help you shorten it...as at first we all tend to be verbose and check for any subtle "one up" or condescending and sarcastic statements. These can be hard to detect for the untrained person. And they would be counter productive to your goal of helping him to open up and risk being very vulnerable to you.
In addition when you finally have this sit down with him just simply read your statement. Don't try to memorize it as you will be nervous and tempted to stray from the dialog and this is where we get into trouble. I have been dialoging this way with my H for over a year and still have to read my dialog word for word. This really helps curb the anger and set your emotions aside for the moment. And if you can later convince your H to dialog this way you will resolve so many fights which are probably the same fights you have been fighting about since you met. I can honestly say I have not had a "fight" with my H since July which was before we had this dialog down pat. Now we just discuss things. Sometimes we even ask my older son to sit in on the discussions and add his own input....In the past these would have been awful, insulting fights resulting in me bawling my eyes out, me throwing some objects, him apologizing and asking for a hug, me forgetting what the fight was about anyway and then we would resume the same old fight about a month later.
And like Wachit said earlier if you can continue a dialog like this you most likely will earn a whole lot about your H and in the end develop a great understanding as to what caused him to turn to porn, how he grew up, how you both may have simulariities in how you cope and how //www.dailystrength.org/groups/spouse-of-sexaholics grew up, what triggers him, what triggers you, how you may be able to help and support each other etc.
Lorilou