Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Well I've been out of the house since last Friday. He came home Saturday, looked around the house and saw that I was gone. He has only stayed there one night so far. The skank he cheated on me with lives about 60 miles away and he's been staying with her. He even took our dog with him. We met Tuesday night at a storage place where we keep our motorhome parked during the winter so I could get my stuff out of it. It was not pretty. We both started with each other and he was making comments to me about being with someone else because I told him I couldn't meet him Monday night. So he automatically assumed that I was with another guy! Why the hell is he worried about me being with someone else when HE IS WITH SOMEONE ELSE???!!! I got back to my sisters house (where I'm living now) and couldn't even talk. That's how upset I was. She eventually calmed me down and she and her boyfriend just sat there and talked with me which helped me a lot. Then he calls me to tell me I have mail sitting there at the house. Why the hell did he really call me? We went at it again only this time he says to me, "Can I ask you something? Did you mean it when you said that you were willing to work things out"? I'm like , , , , WHAT????? He said he's sorry and that he made a mistake! I couldn't even answer him. I don't know what the hell he wants or even if he knows what he wants! My girlfriend and sister are convinced that the only reason he is with this pig is for the sex , , , , and that he does not want to be alone nor does he have any feelings for her.
In the meantime, I am a total basket case. I am hurting so badly that he could throw away the last 15 years and a total of 29 years. I just sit here at times and imagine him with "her" doing all the things that we used to do. What kills me the most is that he may take her in the motorhome. I was my happiest when we went away in the motorhome and just the thought of not doing that anymore just kills me.
I feel so lost and misplaced and unloved and lonely. I miss our son now that I don't see him as much (he's 21) and I just feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and inside out! The heartache is just devastating. I went to counseling again yesterday and my therapist exlained to me the "5 steps of grieving" and told me that I will experience all 5 but not in any particular order. I don't know if I can handle this!
In the meantime, I am a total basket case. I am hurting so badly that he could throw away the last 15 years and a total of 29 years. I just sit here at times and imagine him with "her" doing all the things that we used to do. What kills me the most is that he may take her in the motorhome. I was my happiest when we went away in the motorhome and just the thought of not doing that anymore just kills me.
I feel so lost and misplaced and unloved and lonely. I miss our son now that I don't see him as much (he's 21) and I just feel like my whole world has been turned upside down and inside out! The heartache is just devastating. I went to counseling again yesterday and my therapist exlained to me the "5 steps of grieving" and told me that I will experience all 5 but not in any particular order. I don't know if I can handle this!
And, whether or not he has any feelings for her is pretty irrelevant from my point of view...for what that's worth. She is in a very unfortunate position where someone is using her...that is nothing to be envied. What is very relevant to me is what he is doing and how that makes you feel. What is he feeling for you when he treats you that way? Kindness? Consideration? Love? Caring? Isn't that what you want? Is that what he is doing with YOU? And, he's treating her the same way. He doesn't love her or he wouldn't be talking with you about reconciliation would he? So, he isn't true, or loving to you and he isn't true or loving to her either. So, both you and she are in the same position with him sort of? And, if he decided to stay with her, what would SHE gain? Someone to treat her badly? Someone to make her hurt too? And, yes he IS doing the same things with her....hurting her...lying to her...using her...deceving her about his intent? There's NO good in that, is there?
Are the trips in the motorhome worth the pain you are enduring in between those trips? Only you know that. Can you look at the entire picture? Probably not at this time and it will take some time to do that. You are in way too much pain from his behavior to view anything objectively and rationally right now. Sooo, just be NICE to YOU for a while. He won't or hasnt done that...but YOU can. You deserve to be treated well. Treat yourself well!
When someone we care about hurts us we need to recognise that what they are doing is hurting us....the full extent of how we feel inside from that hurt. We need to tend to that hurt....like we would tend to a burn or a cut. Cleaning? Bandaids? Medicine? Protection from more hurt...medicine for the pain. People who love and care for us truly is the medicine. Like your sister. Distance is the protection for the time being....a bandaid to prevent further infection? So you can rest from the trauma and think when the time comes. We need to take care of those needs...no one else can do that...only we can. My heart is soooo with you.
Who cares what the two pigs are doing together? Try to focus on you, your family, the people who care about you, the people who need you, and the logistics of your life from now on. It is not easy but try to turn your mind away from him. Take the hot iron off and the wound will begin to heal. It will still hurt like hell, though.
Thriver, you are right too and I'm not taking the bait. I guess I've been so dependent on him for so long that I'm having a hard time coping but when I really think about it, I'm FREE! As a good friend of mine pointed out, I'm free from his mental and verbal abuse. I'm free of his disrespect for me. I'm free of his total selfishness and his constant manipulating. I'm FREE!
Yes it does hurt like hell - I'm not gonna lie and I know it will for quite a while, but the more each day passes by and the more I read such wonderful, encouraging posts from you all here, the more I will heal and move on.
Thank you SheenRe and Thriver. Thanks for being there for me and making me feel better today. Hugs to you both!
I'm glad anything I could say would help you get on with treating yourself well. That is what makes us truly happy...choosing what makes us feel well...optimistic. And...you're right. You are FREE to make choices that will lead you to a path that makes you happier. It's so good you have loving family to help you. Let them help you. And, if I can help you in any way. I'm here.
Try this. Look in the mirror every morning and say to yourself a beautiful affirmation. "I am a wonderful creation of God and nature. I am taking steps to become healthier and happier. Caring people are supporting me in my strive to live a happier life. I deserve to feel good. I am beautiful and smart and successful just the way I am right now." Or make up your own.
Studies show that doing this will make you happier!