Hello Song,
I hear a strong cry for help. This is not something you can economize on. This is your life. If you are even considering in the most vague way taking your own life as a solution, your top priority is to get support for yourself. Your H is getting support. Do not worry about him, about his motives, about how he is coming along. Focus on you. You don't need him to validate your feelings, either.

Just a side note, boredom is not a reason for sex addiction. The reasons are much deeper and more complex and do not relate to you personally. They relate to him. You may have issues, we all do, but you did not drive him to sex addiction by being or not being....whatever.

If talking to him is not helping, try taking a break from that. If there is anyplace you can stay for a while so you are not seeing him all the time, which is probably triggering for you, go there.
Take care of yourself. You are a valuable human being who has been shocked and hurt and you need other human beings who are in a position to help you. There is nothing brave about struggling on alone.

The injuries caused by these kinds of addictions are broadspread and it takes some time to recover our good spirits. There are things you can do to help though if you practise them. Can you allot only a certain amount of time, on any day, to think about all of this? Try to not focus on it and instead forcus on doing something else that you enjoy? It's good if you can balance out some of the bad feelings. Everything in your life hasnt changed...only the relationship with him has changed. Can you consider it for what it is...a part...of your life? So, that you can remember that say a percentage is a problem and the rest ok? Everything isn't darkened...just darkened in one area? So, give that darkened part only a small part of any day and give the other 90% more attention? If you can it will raise your spirits some.

I mourned too. I think we all do. I think it's necessary to do that. And at some point, it's also necessary to realize that we can never change any of that, it's done. And, that all we can do is decide in what direction we want to go toward in our lives from here on. The decisions about how to do that are really tough. Lack of information changed our entire married life, so then it's tough to decide how much info we need, what kind, what would be of benefit, to contribute to our best decisions for our future. Your psych should be able to help with that. Have you talked with the counselor about the questions you have and the whys for them? You should.

I don't think that you need to self-medicate at all at this time. It is likely that you're depressed. Your doctor could best decide what might help that without creating more problems. You have enough already. Let your doctor know that you are struggling and let them use their expertise to help. Also let the counselor know that you are struggling with depression, it's important that they know that.

Do remember this, that you will feel better in time. The times between the bouts of despair will lengthen and the duration of the desperation will shorten. I wish I knew a fast rememdy, but I don't. I do know that you can shorten the amount of time in despair by thinking about the other good things in your life, and doing everything you can that creates good feelings. The more effort you give to thinking about other good things and doing pleasant things, will shorten the time of sadness. I'm so sorry. I understand.

When I discovered all my h's porn and other activties, I was told as one of the reasons (along with that I didn't look like something out of Victoria's Secret anymore) was that he was bored with our sex life. I felt extremely inadequate, and tried like heck to spice up our "love" life. We spent over two hundred dollars at an adult store on various things-toys, costumes, etc., and I ended up doing all sorts of kinky/uncomfortable/humiliating/downright painful things to keep him interested. Then you know what I found out? His activities predated me by YEARS. He wasn't doing what he was doing because he was bored, he was doing it because that's just what he did, had ALWAYS done and if I felt responsible for his behavior then in his eyes that allowed to to get away with it without having to take full responsibility himself. You know what *I* got out of accepting his "reason" that he was bored with our sex life? $200 less than I had before and a lot of shameful memories that I wish I didn't have.

Don't buy his crap. Boredom isn't a reason for his going outside your marriage-but he'll let you think it is if it means he gets a little less accountability for his actions. I understand what you mean by mourning. My vote is that if you need antidepressants to get you iover the hump, go for-WITH a doctor's supervision, not on your own. Hugs!

It just takes time and loving and respecting yourself. Keep seeking wise-counsel and good support. Don't let him burden you with what he has done. This is his responsibility and you don't have to take it on. I still don't get why? I just have to accept that that is what he chose to do when he confronted a difficulty or rejection. I choose to eat chocolate (sometimes too much and then I feel sick) and he chose his thing. I cna't blame him if I eat toto much and don't feel good. He can't blame you and you are not responsible.

Look at what needs to be fixed in the relationship - first the addiction needs to go away totally and repentance needs to be there. Then you can address the other needs that were there before the discovery of PA. Mostly, while you are waiting for him to get healthy which is his business and responsibility, take care of yourself. Find a way to nuture yourself. I invested in a few friendships that I had neglected, drank my favorite tea, read books and night in my own bed without being fussed at for the light being on, found a supportive and encouraging therapist, pastor, and friend (different people) and had peace. I have found some refuge. It really does help.

Truly, time will heal your wounds and you will be a better person if you strive for betterment in the midst of your chaos.

Keep us updated of how you are feeling! I will be praying for you.

Unhappily: I heartily agree on the "boredom" thing. I bought into that with my first H, now XH, and did things I really try not to remember. Didn't do a bit of good. I found later that he wasn't only doing porn, he was sleeping with other women, stalking and harrassing others, and sleeping with men too. Yeh, nice discovery. I left the state the same day I found out, found a job, filed for divorce, and never let any of his "oh so sorry" tears affect me at all. The only thing I regret is that I wasted alot of years with his crap, and I compromised my own rules regarding sexuality. I do really hate that part.

I didn't do that this time. I didn't even have a clue about it. It's a lot harder to digest when it comes as such a surprise. My XH was always in some problem or another, so I wasn't too surprised to find out...just very...very glad to have it over. I wanted to catch him...I couldn't feel free to leave until I did. Too bad, I should have left a lot earlier. I wasted a lot of my young life dealing with his crap. really wasn't worth it at all.

I still don't know what to think about this one. Just seeing what it feels like to live with him now. Things changed...a LOT. He changed after I found out...but so did I. So, I still don't know if we'll ever have a good relationship again. I very much doubt it. That's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. He quit...I really believe he did. but, he didn't quit before he ruined our marriage.

Hi 2song,

"I don't know how to get out of the self pity, empathy, sympasizing, shameful mode."

I was in this mode for a long time. It was a process to climb out of it and I used a ton of resources to help me (books, therapy, DS, friends, s-anon, sponsor). "The mode" still hits me at times but lately what has been helping me the most is very simple. It is looking myself in the mirror and insisting on something better. Insisting on seeing myself as a beautiful child of God and nothing less. I've realized through all this that I would go to any length to save my son from any danger or trouble. Why not go through the same length to save myself? Why not insist on it!?

Thank you so much for the responses. That night, after posting this, H told me how he had been thinking about the "why" since I asked him last week. He said the boredom issue was more for himself...he never got himself into a routine of things that needed to be done while I was at work. He did say the porn was there before me, and nothing I could've done would've prevented it. He also stated how that regardless of how he heard I felt about him using porn, and he continued to fall into the trap over the years, that it was this last time for him to realize he DID need help. He truly saw my pain

As for my therapist session yesterday, we did get a lot accomplished. I told her how I felt as tho I've fallen into a depression, told her my symptoms. She saw a couple of them too....me stopping mid sentence, forgetting what I was talking about....I told her how different day to day can be, then something triggers me

She stated I have PTSD...I honestly never thought that was a possibility. I truly didn't think something like this would affect me so much that it would alter ME.

I did mention the antidepressants. I didn't state earlier that I have the stash because they are also for panic attacks. I've used them 2ce I believe since stopping them 2 years ago. My family dr knows that too. It wasn't such a high dosage...But, my therapist said if I felt it was going to be a bad day, she gave me exercises to practice to try to get me out of that mode...if not, then I could turn to the antidepressants as needed for that day.. I've noticed my "mode" gets so bad that I can't function...I can't even go to work, can't think , nor make simple decisions, and I'm irritable with my children...amongst other symptoms.

But, yes, I do agree that I do need to continue to read, try to understand his addiction, work on myself, talk to H about the feelings, and continue therapy for both of us. In the meantime, I have to learn how to deal with my internal issues, my internal battles. I have been learning how to deal with the rage...I haven't physically gone after him when I feel that urge to hurt him, instead I walk away. Except when I do walk away and he tries to stand in front of me, preventing me from doing so. Last week I did push him out of my way to let me through. I needed away from him. It's getting better though.

I've always worn the pants in the family...other people told me, he knows as well as I do. that's how things get done. Now, I can't even make simple decisions.

Hang in there 2. It sounds like you have a great start: your h admits it is a problem and is willing to see a therapist and has started doing it. You have a therapist, are identifying your feelings and are in touch with your depression. And I am happy that your therapist sees and affirms your trauma...there are many not qualified to treat sexual/porn addiction and would ignore this aspect. I think you have a great start and the fact that you and your h are communicating is fantastic! And just two months after the last discovery....please give yourself a big hug and pat on the back!

PTSD can really throw you for a loop. I had/have the same thing. There is a really effective treatment for it, but unfortunately,I don't remember what it is called.Lorilou is familiar with it, too, and she may be able to help. Anyway, about a year ago it was so bad for me that I couldn't function. I would sit at my desk at work and be unable to focus, my palms would sweat, my heart would beat so fast that I was afraid that I was going to have a heart attack or something crazy like that, and I would feel nauseous. I would feel like that for literally HOURS with no break. I didn't know it was possible to stay like that without actually needing hospitalization or dying for SO long. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone my children or my job or my home. After the first treatment session for PTSD I started to feel better. I could at least function. I went through several sessions and each time I felt better/the effects were longer lasting. Now I hardly ever feel that way at all. I still have moments, but they're usually under a few minutes, and not intense at all by comparison. I know how debilitating that kind of a reaction can be. Does your therapist have much experience with treating PTSD? If not, can he/she refer you to a specialist?

unhappily..unfortunately, yes, I have experience that...with very stressful moments. And, I hyperventilate, stutter, can't think at all, start crying at random....It wouldn't last for a couple minutes or hours, but it would last for days until I got through the "problem"

My therapist did give me exercises to refocuse my triggers, to try to distract from them. I told her however that some of these techiques I've tried before (not in this situation) and they didn't help, didn't do anything at all.

I stayed home from work tonight. I went through periods of "yes, I'd be fine" to "no, I will kill someone or totally freak out". This is the type fo emotion I have to deal with. So, I decided for how stable I was with myself mentally, that I wouldn't be ok externally (waitressing)

Like I said, the therapist I'm seeing now, which I really like and feel comfortable with, she believes more in the holistic approach, without medicine, however she knows that in the most desprite times, those meds are useful..

H has seen that I can't make decisions and get frazzled during the most mild of stressful situations. He has seen it, but didn't know where it came from. Now that he's read before my therapy about PTSD, and he knows that that's what I'm dealing with, he's much more sympathetic and repsonsive to my needs, wants, and feelings. He know understands much more in depth of what, how, and why that I'm feeling. He sees and hears it in my voice how I'm overwhelmed at the most simplist of choices. I can't make any decisions right now. I am incapable, and start to freak out at even thinking of them. I realized I can't deal with stress right now, even paying one bill...on time...freaks me out, and I do ALL the finances.

I wonder how I will get thru this. We are gettting new bedroom furniture set tmrw. Everything totally different. We rearranged the kids rooms and now everything will be different....kids new bedroom, new furniture, new arrangement, new computer, etc....everything for me to start over new, so I don't obsess...or trigger over the old....I can't even look at one stupid fish the same cuz it triggers me back to the last discovery...I bought that fish specifically for him, and it was that very night I found out about the extent of his porn addiction....and I was soooo happy that night to show him that fish. Stupid lil' triggers...can't take it out on the fish tho....

2song: I first got PTSD many years ago from dealing with the craziness of my XH. The psychiatrist said that I was the first civilian he had ever seen that truly had PTSD. Of course, that was 20 years ago. Now, the psych community is realizing how much trauma can be inflicted on a person emotionally without physical violence. I am very glad to see that they are finally addressing that. I suspect that's because there are more and more females in the psych community, as well as MDs. Medicine once was almost entirely based on the male body. Freud was a good example of treating women for "hysteria." More like PTSD I suspect.

Anyway....When I found this Hs porn nearly twenty years ago, that reinstated the PTSD of many years before. It took me a really long time to address it...I treated myself. Then, somewhat over two years ago, I found my Hs porn again, and seeing nearly thirty years of lies, reinstated it again, only much, much worse this time.

I know that I am slowly gaining control over it again. I think of it this way: a soldier, usually on the front lines of battle, gets PTSD from viewing loss of life, and his/her life is threaten, they enter shock and get PTSD from the severe emotional shock. When we face the loss of life (as we knew it) and massive deception, particularly from one who is intimately engaged in our life and trusted, we go into shock too...the shaking...visual images...etc...we get PTSD too. Huge losses either way? So, it isn't surprising to me.

I taught myself, with an idea from a therapist long ago, to combat the affects with calming affects of self-hypnosis. Simply put, I created a virtual Eden in my mind, complete with visual, scents, sensation of touch (like a breeze or the sun on my skin), sound, taste, etc. I practised "experiencing" that place and then when I felt too stressed, or before I went to sleep, I went there. That had the affect of calming my body. Our brain doesn't really know much, if any, difference in "really" being there and beig there in virtuality. Maybe that will help you too?

I know a lot of tecniques like that. I needed them...a LOT. I could share some more with you if you like. Let me know.

Also, I'm so glad to hear that your H is finally understanding the trauma and suffering those behaviors can cause. Once my H "got it" and turned away from his selfishness, he turned to me, to help me, recover from the shock and pain of what he had done. He hasn't backed up from taking the responsibility for his actions, his lies, and his selfishness. He doesn't do that anymore. And, when I "occasionally" get the dumps of emotional reaction, memory, fear, confusion, he is there for ME. I think that is the ONLY reason we are together now. He had to "get it." Not only the white-knuckling of stopping his physcial actions, but "get" the selfishness in himself, and inconsideration for me. Once they really "see" that, in the behavior, in themselves, the causes for the behavior, and they "see" the affects their behavior causes on our love for them, and our bodies, then they are on their way to recovering themselves. And they are on their way to repairing what they caused when they turn to help us. Until then, there is no real hope, in my mind anyway.

Sooooo, what I am saying, is that it sounds as if he is "getting it." I'm so glad. And, I'm so sorry too that it will take a monumental effort, both on his part, and on yours, for you to feel safe and good again. It is possible. If he is truly willing and you are too.

The underlying stress level is what is causing your "check out" and inability to function. Your nervous system is overloaded and it can only take so much without a break. It takes a break, like dropping responsibilities, in order to meet the internal need for energy. If you can let him, it would be really good for him to take some of the burdens off you for a while. And, you can help yourself by making yourself do pleasant things, for however long you can, a minute, an hour, a day? Cozy baths? Bubbles? Soothing music? Scented candles? A funny movie? Whatever has made you feel really good in the past. Do those things as often as you can. Sleep a little extra if you can. Your body heals as you sleep. Exercise, even if a long brisk walk. Exercise releases some of the overload of stress chemicals.

Take care of yourself Sweetie..as you would take care of your child if they were traumatized. And, if you can, when you can, let him help you too. You'll be ok....it will take some time. A wound in your flesh takes time...a wound in your spirit takes time too. If I could wave a magic wand and it would go away, it would be waving over you this very moment. I'll pray for you, and for your family. That always helps so much. Remember if you can, when it's bad, that God doesn't start anything that he doesn't finish. He knows what is best for us in the longrun. Trust Him to help you find the right path, and peace in your spirit!

HUGGGGGG!

The treatment that I was talking about actually doesn't use any kind of medication. You move your eyes in a pttern and tap your shoulders (yes it sounds goofy, and probably looks even goofier)while repeating certain phrases. When my therapist firts tried it with me, I started to wonder if she was some kind of quack, but lo and behold, it worked miracles. I guess it has something to do with how you're brain is wired, almost more of a physiological thing than a psychological thing. Afterwards, you can actually phusically FEEL the release of tension. now, to be perfectly fair, I don't know if it worked because I believed that it would, or because there's actually something to it, but bottom line is I don't care. It worked. I also tried exercises to refocus myself when getting triggered, or lessening their intensity, and it didn't work for me at all. I know other people have had success with that, but I found this much more helpful. I think it's like a type of hypnosis...? I wish I could remember!

thank you so much...these responses really do help. For the past 2 months I've been trying to take it easy. Not so much by a choice, but I haven't been able to multitask, and have no desire now to do much. H realized too that I have been overloaded in taking care of the family. He's really helping much more now, partially also because I've "slacked" off.

After posting here last night, when the house just fell asleep, I was just trying to take a break before continuing rearranging more stuff. I was in between cleaning a fish tank too that was neglected when my cell was alarming me that the battery was dying. I use my phone for all of the alarms I have going....older two kids off to school at different times, pick them up, diabetic dog...you get the point. Without my alarms right now, I"m afraid I'd forget. Well, I had NO idea where my phone charger was. Looked and tore up stuff for over 2 hours. I started freaking out as I came to realization how different all the bedrooms were and how unorganized it all was. I didn't know where anything was. And, my youngest likes to run off with my charger. I've found it in some really strange places....Well, eventually I woke up my H at 1am knowing he had to get up at 4am for work. He saw me having a panic/anxiety attack... hyperventilating, crying, shaking, couldn't talk or think straight. I was so bewildered. i thought honestly the change in scenery would be good. Last night it wasn't.

2Song: It's called EMDR eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I've never experienced it either, but have heard it's very helpful. Looked it up.

I have to look up other techniques and put more emphasis into the ones my therapist gave me. I was out doing yardwork this evening, and almost broke down as I thought about the last time I did this stuff...which was last year....and how I thought everything was ok back then...I actually had tears in my eyes pulling out the damn weeds!