Thansk everyone and I agree Grrlygirl completely.. I do belive that this addiction goes way beyond just the P and oh i stopped looking.. He has some deep seeded issues and until he can come to terms with that and get help, I do not think this will last or work. I do plan on asking him to leave after the holidays on our one year dday anniversary. My trust for him is gone and I am not sure I have the strength or frankly even teh desire to continue down this raod and support him when I know he isn't truly in revocery... He could have thrown everything our but as you said what is embedded in his brain can be used over and over again...

It does help to get it physically away, though. I put off cleaning it out completely. I'm not exactly sure why. I put passwords on the computer when he asked me to which was at the very beginning, and all of the porn went into a trunk that was difficult to access, but I didn't actually bag it up and drive off to a random dumpster until he specifically asked me to.

Then again, he's had 5 multiple day slips in 4 months. But it really meant something to me when he asked me to get rid of it for him. He even told me about a couple of stashes I hadn't known about.

When you aren't finding anything and you think there is something there in your gut go with it. My husband stuff was in has phone and i knew it he had it locked. When he came home from a business trip he walked in I said " give me your phone unlocked now". The drama began with those words. He got mad upset yelling at me as if I didn't trust me. I then told him that I didn't need to ask if he was seeing anyone anymore, I now just want to know who and how long. He kept getting more upset. I stood my ground( I know by your response that you are cheating better than if you had told me)all I had to do was hear with my eyes. Then after about 3 hours of stopping him with " I don't want to hear your lies, I want to know who she is and how long you have been seeing her, he told the truth and few days later told me he had a problem.

If he won't admit to it call him out as you would one of your kids. Take him to the truck and tell him to open the tool box in the truck for you, if he get mad and won't, you have your answer. There is nothing I have that my husband couldn't look at if he wishes, including this account. That is my definition of a open marriage!

Just remember if you call him out this way and you can't get him to a therapist to talk about this first it will open a whole new world and it may not be a happy time. This would be only as a last resort, this was a train wreck I never saw coming. I was ready for the affair not the addiction that was there.

Hey guys,

I hate this but I accidently dealeted a long response. So I'll be more brief....

DITTO to Girlygirl and Mom2.

I wanted to share something regarding behavior. As Soberone, my h has gone through recovry now for the last 21 months and had done a Polygraph now every 3 to 6 months and has commited to a PG for the rest of his life I can now see what a remoseful addict in recovery looks like. Not just because of his individual behavior but as these men become sober they seek each other out and form groups of men sharing their sober experiences. Here is one characteristic they all share....An egerness, much like a small child to show how good they've been. Their life becomes an open book. They leave out their diary, wallet, account information, history hoping you will walk by and take a look. Although the temptation to check up on him comes by less often. From time to time that old wound does get triggered and I end up rifeling through his things or reading is dairy. Instead of rage and contemp when I get caught or confess he looks at me with such a sad face, with this sort of knowing look at what has become of me because of his actions. He then asks if I need a hug. As I melt into his arms sobbing he just holds me tight and says he's sorry for the thousanth time.

He now understands the harm the addiction has done. He doesn't minimize it or deny it. He understands that trust is earned. And whil most human beings deserve trust, even our children as they grow, mature and show responsibility. He knows he has lost all rights to that innate right. He knows even if he did everything right for the rest of his life that he gave me a festering wound and even though it has healed it will always be a tender scare and can be triggered at any time. So now it is an act of love as he offers his actions to be examined as he knows there are times where I will just need reassurance, I will need something to sooth the pain. And if looking at the history on his office computer will make that pain go away he eagerly gives me the medicine I need. By his humble offering that scar gets tougher and tougher. What usually ends up happening is I end up feeling ashames for even asking, but safe in knowing he will offer it. Hence it becomes a very healing moment for both of us.

I know some of you ladies may have already experienced this or are heading in that direction but I just wanted to share with those of you who haven't that if our addicts should ever try to abuse you by becoming indignant, rageful or contemptuous, when the only thing you are asking for, and have every right to is a way to make the agony end, to sooth your fears and festering wounds and they in turn become holier than though, righteous and indignant witholding the only thing that will lessen your pain by being truthfull and open....so little to ask...then you have every right to be angry....May that anger cause you to rise up and take what is yours. Hold on to that anger till you get what you deserve. And until you get what you deserve you have every right to track him down, follow him, go through his thing, read his most private reflections. THIS IS HOW YOU PROTECT YOUR FAMILY. But let me warn you that this too becomes an addiction. So please get help for yourself so that you can heal the pain on your own and not look to the addict to heal you.

Love and hugs,

Lorilou

Miss,

How I found out my husband was a SA. My short story!

Came home from a business trip ask to see his phone and he got mad and started yelling " You have no reason to not trust me, I am not giving you my phone." My response was " I know you are cheating now, I just want to know who with". It took 3 to 4 hours to tell me three stories each one I followed with you are still lying. After a totally of three days he came to me telling me he had a promblem and he couldn't stop.

It was kinda like my kids ( now all grown ) it is not what they say as much is it is how they say it.

I am a very straight up person! I would take him to the truck ask him to open tool box. If he opens then all is good, if he doesn't then he has something to hide and I wouldn't rest til he opened it. I don't know I guess him knowing that there is nothing in our home that is off limits to either is as important as what he may be hiding. just my thoughts...hugs

Oh my gosh, I can not thank everyone enough for all the responses. They have been great for me to read. At the end of January will be one year from dday and I am going to ask him to take a lie detector test. That is the only way for me to be sure that he is keeping his word. Although I know this addiction goes much deeper than just stopping. I know he has some deep rooted issues that he isn't facing and probably doesn't even know how to.

I know he gets tired of talking about it but he is not offfering any information which tells me he still wants to hide his secret and keep his world apart from ours...

I do regret not kicking him out a year ago and because we aren't married and have no children, I think it just may be better to get out at my one year...

I already know that he will get upset about the lie detector as he has before... BUT that is my only way to know that he is being sincere and honest and I am sure he's not... Actually positive he isn't....

He still has no interest in sex with me.. He has no clue how to caress or be truly intimate and close with me.. I honestly have never been with a man that wasn't interested in me intimatally so this is hard for me. I was married to a SA about 20 years ago but he always showed interest in me and could be intimate... HOWEVER, I don't think my ex had a problem with MB just looking and wanting to act out what he had seen.. My BF now is more interested in touching/pleasing himself than me...

under the seat in his car and once I pulled the drawer out completely in the bathroom and found a page or two folded up hidden there

Hi Msbaha,

Forgive me if we've talked about this before. I've lost track. I saw you are going to ask for a liedetector. I do want to warn agains using this as a theraputic tool in recovery if you do not have the support of a licensed sex-therapist. If your only reason is to see his reaction so you can gain the strength to leave than I guess this would not be necissary, although I would always advocate a therapist for any of us spouses who have been traumatised by discovering our husband's addiction. I don't know if you are already doing this. I understand completely why you did not leave the first time as we too have our own issues which keep us bonded to that wich hurts us. Evenetually, we become desensitised to their actions as we put up with more and more. Because of this I would so strongly urge you to have theraputic support as you try to break away so that you can follow through with your wishes.

Regardless, I fully support your breaking away and know it has got to be so hard.

Lorilou

Thanks Lorilou. I have rethough the lie detector test and have decided against it. only because I believe at this point, it doesn't matter to me. I know he won't pass and why waste the money when I know in the end we are going to split up. he has so much baggage amd depression and because he can't even realize the extent of damage that he has done to himself over the years, staying with him will do me no good but put me in deeper.

It has almost been one year since dday and the anger I still carry is unreal. I am not in therapy and I have been reading quite a bit.. I know that I was much happier on my own...

Missbaha,

good for you!!!

I hope as you go through this separation you will keep in touch with me and others here. As you know so few really can understand what we are going through. It will be tough, you will second guess yourself, have much anxiety but in the end I pray you will find the strength to follow through.

Are you not in therapy because of financial reasons, time, access of just not interested? The reason I ask is because there are so many different options.

Good luck,

lorilou

Lori: Thanks for this: "I know some of you ladies may have already experienced this or are heading in that direction but I just wanted to share with those of you who haven't that if our addicts should ever try to abuse you by becoming indignant, rageful or contemptuous, when the only thing you are asking for, and have every right to is a way to make the agony end, to sooth your fears and festering wounds and they in turn become holier than though, righteous and indignant witholding the only thing that will lessen your pain by being truthfull and open....so little to ask...then you have every right to be angry....May that anger cause you to rise up and take what is yours. Hold on to that anger till you get what you deserve. And until you get what you deserve you have every right to track him down, follow him, go through his thing, read his most private reflections. THIS IS HOW YOU PROTECT YOUR FAMILY. But let me warn you that this too becomes an addiction. So please get help for yourself so that you can heal the pain on your own and not look to the addict to heal you."

I agree. Anger has been my best friend through this. I used to fear it. I now know that it is there...energy....direction...for ME to have a better life. I don't attempt to quash it anymore.

On the pain issue. I don't seek anything to heal that for me either. I think of it as just a fact. He hurt me...that's a fact. I don't trust him....a fact. We will never be the same...fact. I know that in time the pain will lesson and cease to matter. Life will go on. Losses will be the losses of the past. The future? No one knows. The pain? My friend...a warning...about trusting anyone else to see to my well-being. The pain is a reminder of what can happen if I trust. So, I expect it will be there. I don't hate the pain anymore either. I accept it.

SheenRe,

Cut and past....Quoting myself here....


"...But let me warn you that this too becomes an addiction."

Lorilou and SheenRe,
Thank you for all your uplifting words. It truly does help.

I am not in counseling because I feel that through reading I can educate myself, and I have gone through therapy with my first divorce, and I just didn't get as much out of it as I do by reading or joining support groups like this.

I do feel that this will be hard but I also feel I can get through it and get back to where I was before, happy and content. I haven't been happy since dday and I don't like who I have become. I missed two holiday parties this weekend because he is so unsociable that it would have been me keeping him company and these were my friends.. I just feel like my life is on hole because of him and I am tired of living this way.