If you don't want to tell him how you know, Just tell him that you "know." So what if he denies? So what if he attempts to lie. You know! The fact that you do "know" can't be changed by anything he says or does. He doesn't need proof that he is doing that...he "knows" that he is doing that. Just "watch" him lie...and absorbe what he "looks like" when he lies. His choice of words. His body language. His demeanor. Pay attention to the details...if you want to know when he's lying at some later date. Liars present the same way, over and over..if "you" are quiet and aware!

Only you can allow blame to be shifted. I "know" means I "know." And, you also know that he looked you in the eyes and lied. And he did do it...so you know! What can ever change "know?" Why do you feel the need to "prove" anything to him? As if he doesn't know...when you know? He knows that you know by your demeanor. For instance, I didn't need to "prove" anything to my H....and where I got the "know" is "no" business of his. The fact that I do "know" is quite enough information for him. He attempted to lie...and I intently observed his lying...because I knew the truth...and so I knew he was lying...and quietly watched him do so. And, I told him "don't bother to lie, you look ridiculas! And, you are only making your situation worse by doing that." He got the point! But I said something only "after" I listened and observed his lies.

First, what was your agreement? What was your boundary or consequence? If he admits he is an addict and is still looking at porn he is not in recovery. What were your understandings in this area? There is one misconception that many spouses have and that is that they have to prove it every time. No, you don't. You already have the proof. Done. He is looking at porn. Period. You don't keep having to get proof. Lying is part of the addiction. If he looks at you and lies, he knows it is wrong and is doing it anyway and is probably an addict. You don't need to prove any more. Now he needs recovery and one of your boundaries is keeping the computer software to monitor it to keep your home safe.

hello Miss..
I felt the need to chime in for a moment..
I was where you are so VERY recently in a few aspects.. I will say this after being where i am now (hindsight 20/20 right?) that there wassomuch time WASTED!

I would suggest this.. Ask again about the P be non-confrontational about it just matter of factly.. watch him lie.. observe it like SheenRe said.. maybe not divulge yet that you "know".. if this is a good computer monitoring system..you may actually "get to the bottom" of it all..how far it went or goes.."let him hang himself with his own rope".. you just have to go only as far as YOUR LIMIT is.. determine where that is.
I say this only because if you are like me I HAD to be able to prove to him I know everything and YOU CANT LIE out of it..not to prolong the doubts, anger, or hurt to wait it out but I also found that by doing so I could manage my anger so when it came time to confront H with all the "ammo" I had.. decisions would be made based on that and not my anger.

having said that, I do agree with SheenRe (as I find that I usually do) about "SO WHAT.." so what if he knows you know and how that came to be.. 'IT DOESNT CHANGE THE FACT HE DID WRONG!"

you have to determine WHERE your limits are..WHAT they are.. and HOW they are.. only YOU can do this
HE can only make choices.. LIE or not
ACCEPT respondsibility or not
ACKNOWLEDGE it all or not
etc.. you get the idea?

I completely understand your position.. been there! I did all that, and oddly as I stated before it was wasted time my being consumed by it because H got caught without any of that "ammo" I gathered..
I warn you, tho if you do decide to "let him hang himself with his own rope" in the meantime DO NOT LET IT BECOME/OVER TAKE YOU.. dont lose yourself in the ugliness..its MUCH much more difficult for YOU to recover.. at least it was for me.

oh last thought..
MY GUT WAS NEVER WRONG.. never has been.. yet I didnt listen to it! somehow I lost trust in myself.. I hope you keep a mindful eye on yours! :-)

I wish you peace for your HEART.
5angel

If your BF has an addiction then he will lie to protect himself even if you bring it up to him. He will want to know how and if you want to have a transparent relationship free from dishonesty, then tell him the truth. You will be met with judgment and blame, but you need to be prepared for this.
I wish you luck!

My BF was told if I found P again, it was over... that was the boundry I set and he broke... Thank you all for you help with this. SheenRe, you're right I KNOW and that's all that matters but thank you thank you thank you so much for th advise about letting him lie so I can observe and take in how he looks and acts (body language) when he lies. You made an excellent point and you're right in that it doesn't matter how I know!!!! I knew asking here would be a great idea!!!

5angel.. we do think alike because the "hanging himself" is exactly what I am doing.. Just gathering all my data on him and "banking it" for when I really need it. I did point blank ask him last week and he looked me right in the eye and LIED. He said "I haven't WATCHED P".. He has been looking at IMAGES on the web and trying to hide it soo well that I actually find it funny when I see what lengths he goes throught to make sure everything is deleted and nothing can be traced. I think right now he is being careful about how he does searches as he is leary about me fidning out. I guess i will ask him again about the P and see what he says. I have been quiet for teh past few days and he keeps asking me if something is wrong.. I keep telling him NO (giving him a taste of his own medicine).

Hi Miss Baha,

Maybe I'm missing something (I often do) but you said "My BF was told if I found P again, it was over... that was the boundry I set and he broke... "

So, what do you need to prove? It's over, isn't it? Everything else is irrelevant. It's enough that you know. I reckon just say you know... and leave.

I like Sheen and Cynclaire's suggestions that you don't need to prove anything. If you're not convinced, however, and do feel the need to prove what you know, you can always say something about finding cookies that were left behind by some website he visited. I also remember that my husband used to delete his browsing history and use InPrivate which is supposed to hide all traces of sites visited but found that the virus software stopped some porn site he was looking at and a record of it having been visited (and blocked) was kept in the virus software program. You don't need to even know how cookies or the virus software keeps this information, but it should be enough to tell him that that's how you know (if you must). He will be like "damn, she knows her computer stuff". Most likely, he will then just try to get cleverer at covering his tracks, that's certainly what my husband did in the early days. When he knew that I knew the things that he was up to it didn't make him stop (not at the start at least). It just made him go to greater lengths to keep it hidden. Eventually, though, he did get into recovery and now has stopped all this stuff (porn, affairs, etc) of his own accord, the only way that someone can recover, ie because they want to.

conniption has a good point (as usual...) If you meant it when you stated that consequence, the rest should be obvious. Did you really mean it though? This is the tricky thing about stating consequences, we have to be very careful about what we say and be prepared to stand by them, otherwise they're just idle threats. I'm not saying that just because you've now said this, you have to now stand by it if you really didn't mean to follow through. I'm also not saying that you shouldn't follow through if you're prepared to do that, too, of course... But keep it in mind that next time you're stating your boundaries and consequences, you need to be able to stand by them.

that consequence, the rest should be obvious. Did you really mean it though? This is the tricky thing about stating consequences, we have to be very careful about what we say and be prepared to stand by them, otherwise they're just idle threats.

Something I learned when parenting my children.....have to apply the same principles with SAs:)

I agree wholeheartedly about boundaries and consequences. They are only as good...as you are both willing and able to enforce them. I thought for a while before I set my boundaries. When I determined what I was both able, and willing to do, I let him know exactly what they were...and the consequences if he broke them. The boundaries I set are a duality...they are promises I've made to him...and me. And, the more important of those two promises is the one to myself. I will keep my promise to myself...whether he keeps promises or not.

When I told my H "if you yell at me, I will not talk with you until you control yourself...that was a promise...to him...and to me. For him it is a boundary about productive communication. For me, it is a boundary about protecting myself. Again, the latter of the two is more important. "My word...to "me" is more important that the boundary for him. I can't always know if he breaches "some" boundaries...but I can "always" know if I breach my own. I know that is of the utmost importance that I be true to me...above anyone..and everyone.

So, is your word to yourself good? Are you going to honor your own boundaries and feelings? If not, what are you indicating to him? That you aren't able to keep your word, any more than he is?

See, I set an ironclad boundary for my h...and in duality for me. If I ever find that you have accessed porn again, I will leave you. So, if and when, that time comes, I "will" DO exactly that. Likely it will hurt. Likely I will cry. Likely there will be mountains of challenges to do so. Likely I'll second-guess that decision, I "may" even wish I had't made it. But, I will do what I said.. I will, because I must maintain respect for myself, even if he doesn't. And though it hurts, and will for some time, I will do it anyway.

Hi MissBaha,

I hope I wasn't too blunt. I just meant, is it a boundary... or isn't it? It can take us a while to sort out what we are really all about and I just meant that perhaps you need to think about what you were really hoping to achieve with that ultimatum. Silla said it well.

I just want to apologize if I said it too abruptly. This problem in our SOs is very hard on us and I certainly understand if you made your ultimatum while hoping that you might not have to follow through. If that was the case, you may want to consider if it really was a boundary, or whether you were/are trying to control his recovery.

On re-reading my original post, I felt I may have said it too harshly. If so, I unreservedly apologize. Read Silla's post. She said it better than I. (Hugs and blessings)

Thank you all for your advise. I think one of my biggest challenges is that when this boundry was set, I was in a different place financially. Since then I have bought a house and depend on him for help. I am angry that he promised he would stop and bought a house knowing he wasn't going to stop. So although I set my boundry I am a bit reluctant only because I feel if I ask him to leave now before I sell (I can't sell until next year due to stimulus)that I will financially not be able to make it and that makes me mad. I feel like he needs to continue to help me with the bills until we can sell. I have thought about telling him that when I do talk to him. I am not sure how well that will go over but my thought is that we may coexist in teh same house, but that is all until we can sell. Another part of me wants to USE him like he used me... use him for the financial assistance until I can get my finances in order and sell the house. We aren't having any sexual relations, haven't in months, mainly because I don't want to. and now after finding what I found, I ceratinly don't want him anywhere near me. The problem with the web history is that he hasn't gone to any "websites", what he has been doing is looking up IMAGES via GOOGLE... because he thinks I can see his "web" history so he isn't going to any websites.. but he is searching through Google Images.. I guesss I just don't want the finger pointed at me that I was snooping or invaded his privacy. not to mention I just don't want him knowing HOW I found out, he hasn't earned that right and he will blameshift until the cows come home given the opportunity... and as Silla00 said if he knew about the spyware he would just find a way around it.. So while I really have been cold and distant this past few weeks, I am trying to determine my best course of action here without putting myself in financial ruins.

He has a problem and he cannot stop on his own. Since you've already made the decision to live separately under the same roof, what would be the harm in just bringing up the subject again, without judgment or blame? Perhaps opening up a discussion about it may help him conclude that if he truly wants to stop, he will have to seek support for that either through a 12 step program or through therapy. In the meantime, don't focus on what he's doing as it sounds like you are distancing yourself from him any way and focus on yourself. Obsessing over what he's looking at on the computer is not going to make your living situation any easier. Go about your business and do what you have to do and if you don't want to discuss it with him anymore, then perhaps when he sees you making changes in your life, that will be the catalyst for him to either change or leave.

Sorry about the financial straits Miss. That seems to always cloud the issues and become a deciding factor in decision making. It is so detrimental to merge assets. You said until "we" can sell. Is he included on the mortgage? Are you financially tied in a contractual agreement? That would make a huge difference, because he can be a huge detriment to selling. Also, Is there any possibility of getting a renter for a room? Getting an amount that will help pay the mortgage? An extra job? Anything but reliance on him?

You said, "So while I really have been cold and distant this past few weeks, I am trying to determine my best course of action here without putting myself in financial ruins. " What prevents you from just ignoring him and going on with your life and responsibilities? If the financial loss is "very" important for you...I do get that importance...then just let him be. You said that you have already withdrew from the relationship and are cold and distant anyway. You don't engage in sex or intimacy with him. If he hasn't complained about it...why raise the issue? That "is" just co-existing anyway. I'm pretty sure he is aware of that?

You said, Another part of me wants to USE him like he used me... use him for the financial assistance until I can get my finances in order and sell the house." This is probably a knee-jerk thought. But, one that is not good for "you." Just because he is behaving badly, has issues, doesn't mean it would be good to compromise yourself. But, if he doesn't raise an issue about the way you two are living now, then he is willing to continue as it is...until he is interested in changing the way things are. Why not leave the decision to approach you to him? Why not let him talk to you if he chooses?

Conniption, YOU were not harsh at all. I have to take the good with the bad, and I by no means thoguht you were harsh with me, not in the least!!
SheenRe, He is NOT on the mortgage (just me).. I do work two jobs right now and a roomate I do not want. Yes I could go on coexisting with him, but two things with that.. He is always asking what's wrong as I have began withdrawing and not really conversating with him, except small talk. The other is that it absoluetly infuriates me to think that while I am out working TWO jobs, he's at home on the computer P'ing and MB'ing... I was married years ago and went down the road of financial ruins and refuse to be back there again. I am sure if I really cut back I could handle the house on my own, but I am angry that I am even in this predictment because of his empty promises to me..
SheenRe he has been asking what is wrong and I keep saying nothing because I am just not quite ready for that FIGHT and I need to be sure I am prepared for anything he may try to blameshift, so he has been asking I just have been stalling.