Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
Hi all...I think I need some advice on confronting my h. How do you bring up a concern/suspicion without sounding like you're accusing him of relapse? Things have been going well with us... I've been feeling safe. Feeling like we can live our lives positively without dragging our hearts through the mud all the time. But today I went into our second bathroom which I don't go into very often and noticed a bottle of lotion that I had never seen. It was a brand from a spa that a co-worker and friend of his works at as a second job. It made me feel angry that it was sitting there like he has no concern for my feelings and wondering why he had it in the first place. Wouldn't any spouse in our position wonder about strange spa lotion in the house from other women!! So I picked it up and took it to him and calmly asked about it. He said his skin on his arms was dry so she gave him lotion. I think I believe him. But then he got very angry because he said nothing happened and he feels like i am always accusing him. However when I come across something like this how on earth am I supposed to ask him about it in a way that doesn't come across as accusing? It is totally impossible no matter HOW i say it, just by the nature of the discussion. When he feels accused, then I feel like we go back months in our healing process and a big wall comes up between us. I'm not going to stop asking him about things that bug me. I've learned enough not to silence myself. And in a way I don't care how he feels when I ask him.... i know he made his bed so now he deals with the fallout like being asked about things like this. But I'm just curious, is there a way that anyone has found to bring up a concern without it developing into a big, distancing, going backwards fight?
You had a valid concern based on previous behaviours, and did the very right thing for your own recovery, don't internalise, ask and communicate your feelings. At the risk of upsetting you further, i am going to be honest.
I am concerned at his defensive mechanism, it screams of not taking responsibility, and manipulation by turning things around onto you.
In psychology they say that "Anger is a secondary emotion, it derives from guilt, fear, embarrassment or frustration". Now that i know these things, whenever i see someone angry i think to myself this principle and i can often see what core emotion the anger comes from....it helps me manage the situation better.
Looking at your h what do you think was his core emotion was coming from.
Guilt? Fear? Embarrassment? or Frustration? Get the answer to this, and you will find the answer to your issue.
The first 3 are obviously going to hurt and only you know how to deal with that, and then there is frustration. Even if he's frustrated that you asked, frustrated that you are not over it, he should not be frustrated if the situation is simply innocent. And if he is simply frustrated by your recovery not being as fast as he would like......then he has some way to go regarding understanding the damage his acting out has caused to you and your relationship. And needs to learn to be more humble and take responsibility for his actions.
In fact the more i think about it, none of these responses prove to be a good response.
This is a man who has some work to do in his recovery, and if he doesn't soon it will do irreparable damage to your relationship.
I would advise you to keep your BS detector alert, and follow any gut feelings. Hmmmm...... yes why be angry if it was an innocent thing?
Hugs xxx
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/spouse-of-sexaholics/discussions/messages/6923157
So much so that I am not even going to remind him that I gave him a warning...hugs and thanks so much for that post seems to be the post of the day for some of us... hugs