From.. "Confronting Your Spouses Pornography Problem"
By; Rory Reid & Dan Gray
Pages 22 - 27

CONFRONTING A SPOUSE;

It is often difficult to know how to react appropriately after discovering a problem. Professional counselling can be helpful in deciding what boundries to establish and what consequences are appropriate.
It is typical for a spouse to immediately confront her partner after discovering pornography in the house. However, if the confrontation is done while emotions are high, unintended things may be done or said. The offending partner may react to the emotions of his spouse rather than hearing what she is trying to communicate. If you enlist the support of a religious leader or therapist, you will not have to go through this process alone.

Don't Enable;
Often a spouse may react to the discovery of her husbands addiction with prolonged silence, which may suggest indifference. Denial and avoidance can also manifest themselves through silence, which then becomes a form of enabling his behaviour. Ignoring the problem, whether intentionally or not, is the same as condoning the behaviour. Another example of enabling is making excuses to his employer, saying he is ill when in fact he spent the night on the computer viewing pornography. People do this because they are afraid of what might happen if they do confront their spouses.

Don't Accomodate;
Making excuses for a spouse also constitutes accomodating the inappropriate behaviour. A spouse may think, "It's just a phase" or "He's under alot of stress." Others report feeling that they are partially to blame. This misperception may inadvertently justify the behaviour. Although your spouse may use pornography to cope with stress or other emotional issues, you should not assume responsibility for his choices. Inappropriate behaviours do not need to be tolerated. This is an area where the advise to "choose your battles" is applicable. This is one battle you must choose, and choose to win. Pornography addiction must be fought, not feared.

Establish And Maintain Healthy Boundries;
Sometimes when a spouse is confronted, he may become defensive or attempt to change the focus off the real issue. "How dare you snoop around on my computer!" one man yelled at his wife. This display of anger and outrage is a manipulative tactic. It may be true that inspecting his computer was a violation of privacy. This issue can be discussed at a later time, but for now, the focus is on his behaviour not yours. This mans wife appropriately responded, "We can talk about my snooping later. Right now I want to talk about the pornography."
If behaviour becomes abusive or you fear personal harm, leave the house or, if necessary, call the police. If an aversion reaction is anticipated, choose a safe place for the initial confrontation such as the office of a therapist or church leader. You are not on trial and you do not need to feel guilty about wanting to extinguish this distructive behaviour in your home and marriage.
Maintaining a healthy boundary also means saying no to any sexual requests you may feel are wrong or inappropriate. When individuals consume pornography they are sometimes introduced to bizarre or abnormal forms of human sexuality. In turn, they may attempt to have you act out these inappropriate fantasies. By submitting to these demands for unusual or bizarre sex, the real-life experience powerfully reinforces fantasies fueled by the pornography. This is likely to exacerbate the problem and may increase the likelihood of further requests that are more bizarre or distorted.

Don't Reinforce Distorted Beliefs Or Thoughts;
People who use pornography to cope with life have numerous distorted thoughts and beliefs. This creates denial as a means of avoiding pain. It is important to show appropriate empathy for such people. However, reinforcing distorted thoughts and beliefs or showing misplaced sympathy may inadvertently justify the behaviour in the offending spouses mind.
For example, the following statement indicates several thinking errors: "You haven't had sex with me for so long I had to have my needs met somehow." This expression is an EXCUSE to RATIONALISE sexual behaviour beyond the marriage relationship. It also attempts to REDIFINE the real problem of the husbands misbehaviour by attempting to deflect the BLAME to his spouse. this is emotional MANIPULATION. His distorted belief is that with sufficient self pity and EXCUSE-MAKING, his wife will show compassion and excuse the inappropriate behaviour. An appropriate response might be, "I'm sorry you feel frustrated about your lack of sex in our marriage, and we should talk about that later. Right now I want to talk about your pornography and masturbation." This response avoids reinforcing any thinking errors while showing respect and validation for the person's feelings about his lack of sex. It also keeps the conversation focused.

Show Understanding Without Condoning The Behaviour;
Understanding a spouses pornography habit does not imply acceptance or approval of inappropriate behaviours. The following information may help you understand the nature of the problem prior to confronting your spouse. Dr Patrick Cranes of "Out Of The Shadows", suggests that those who use pornography or sex to deal with problems in life will generally possess some or all of the following distorted core beliefs;
1. SELF IMAGE; I am basically a bad, unworthy person.
2. RELATIONSHIPS; I'm unloveable. People cannot love me as I really am.
3. NEEDS; I can't depend on or trust others to meet my own needs.
4. SEXUALITY; Sex is my most important need.
There are many therories as to how these develop. Most notable are therories that suggest some lack of attachment or validation during childhood. Children can feel abandoned or abused by their caregivers in numerous ways. Whenever this deprevation occurs there is usually an attempt to try and compensate iun order to meet basic human needs. When these children discover pornography and masturbation during adolescent years, the temporary pleasure of self stimulation provides an escape from the pain caused by the lack of appropriate nurturing from their primary caregivers.
They develop a love/hate relationship with the pornography because it acts as a form of self medication from inner pain, while creating a great sense of shame and guilt from acting out the behaviours. This shame, which John Bradshaw of "Healing the shame that binds you", refers to as 'toxic shame', is compounded with the initial shame they felt about themselves.
Although this theory may explain why some individuals use pornography and related behaviours as a maladaptive coping behaviour in their lives, it does not apply to every situation. Some individuals who have come from healthy families still struggle with these issues. Regardless of the root cause, childhood trauma notwithstanding, those who indulge in sexual improprieties remain responsibile for their behaviour. Shame and other psychological issues are reasons, not excuses.
Understanding possible expalnations for sexually inappropriate behaviours is helpful when confronting a spouse who may be struggling. Many people ask "Why?" Why would a husband do such a thing? Understanding the concept of toxic shame provides some explanations. Some spouses tend to blame themselves for their husbands actions with erroneous thoughts such as, "I'm not sexy enough or beautiful enough." An awareness of this shame theory can provide an understanding thats its not about you, its about your spouse and the unhealthy way he chooses to cope with his problems.
Understanding underlying issues also helps the non participating spouses to show empathy for her loved one. Realise, however, that expressing empathy and validating his feelings does not mean that you accept, agree with, or approve of his behaviours. In fact, while you are showing correct empathy, it is also important to be assertive and clearly communicate your feelings and dissapproval of the behaviour.
For example; after you listen to your spouse discuss his pain, an appropriate response might be, "I'm sorry you feel so much hurt and pain. I can understand how unfair life may seem to you and i want you to know that i love you. But i still feel disappointed and hurt by your behaviour and i cannot and will not tolerate it in our home."
Providing support to an offending spouse is a difficult endeavour. It should be done without any responsibility for the offensive behaviour. Women often take responsibility by thinking they are to blame. This is erroneous, unhealthy thinking. You must understand that the addictive mind is never saisfied. A man with a sexual compulsion could be married to the most attractive women alive and he would still engage in excessive sexual behaviours outside his marriage. The problem is rarely the spouse.

Communicate Your Feelings, Thoughts, And Concerns;
When addressing a spouse, it is important to clearly communicate how you feel and what you expect. This can be done without attacking or shaming. Healthy confrontation is very direct but non threatening. The focus is on the problem behaviour and expressing thoughts and feelings. However, uncontrollable crying, yelling, or screaming many undermine the objectives of the confrontation. The attention will focus too heavily on emotions and the message will be lost.
Waiting a few days, or in some cases longer, before confronting the problem may help a spouse reduce the intensity of her emotions. Time may increase objectivity and appropriate responses for both parties. She must take care however, waiting can become avoidance. Avoidance can create denial and perpetuate secrecy. It is important that the non offending spouse not let too much time pass.
If you are concerned about your ability to stay in control of your emotions, perhaps you could plan a discussion to take place in the presence of a therapist or religious leader, so that interactions can be moderated by a third person.