Spouses of Sexual Addicts. Community Group
My H and I are attempting to "recover" and reconcile our marriage.
He seems committed to changing, has been going to SA for a few months now. He has even been able to tell me about certain thoughts or urges he's had about emailing, looking online, etc. I see that as a huge step forward.
I have also started going to SANON meetings and have found everything so far very helpful.
Here is my question....
For those of you who are reconciling and still have an active sexual relationship with your spouse, do you insist upon using condoms?
I personally hate condoms. However, I feel that it is the ONLY thing I have control over in this whole situation.
I have accepted the fact that I cannot change him or his addiction, only he can do that.
I am trying to have "trust", however I know that my trust has been broken so many times in the past, that it's going to be a while before he regains my trust.
He says that he would feel that if we are using condoms, it implies that I will never trust him.
Ummm.....yeah, that's what I'm saying!!!!! He tells me if we are "working" on getting better, you have to show some trust too. (too bad buddy, you've messed up too many times). He just doesn't get it!
Thoughts???
He seems committed to changing, has been going to SA for a few months now. He has even been able to tell me about certain thoughts or urges he's had about emailing, looking online, etc. I see that as a huge step forward.
I have also started going to SANON meetings and have found everything so far very helpful.
Here is my question....
For those of you who are reconciling and still have an active sexual relationship with your spouse, do you insist upon using condoms?
I personally hate condoms. However, I feel that it is the ONLY thing I have control over in this whole situation.
I have accepted the fact that I cannot change him or his addiction, only he can do that.
I am trying to have "trust", however I know that my trust has been broken so many times in the past, that it's going to be a while before he regains my trust.
He says that he would feel that if we are using condoms, it implies that I will never trust him.
Ummm.....yeah, that's what I'm saying!!!!! He tells me if we are "working" on getting better, you have to show some trust too. (too bad buddy, you've messed up too many times). He just doesn't get it!
Thoughts???
Obviously if you want to use a condom, use one. If he is acting out and he may be exposing you to STDS, then using a condom is in your highest regard. If he cannot accept that you feel this way then how are you supposed to accept that he is still struggling with his addiction?
More important than sx is the ability to develop intimacy which begins with transparency and most addicts aren't able to be transparent until they themselves can trust that they will do what is in their highest regard so isn't he basically blaming you for something he himself cannot do?
These are all areas worth exploring with an intent to learn rather than to control, otherwise in an intent to control, sx will be unfulfilling and may lead to further triggers.
He put "himself" in "exactly" the position he is in. And, he will have to learn to live with the consequences of his behavior. He chose to destroy your trust. And, he'll have to be willing to "try" and earn it again. You "might" trust him some day...and there is the possibility that you never will again. It would be wise on his part to accept that. Just because he "wants" you to trust him, doesn't mean you can feel trust for him. It took a long time for him to destroy that trust...and he'll have to do a lot of stuff to ever hope to regain it.
So, if a condom is a boundary for you, he'll have to accept that. And, it's completely understandable. Who would feel safe in the circumstances he created? I don't think anyone would. He does...need to "get" that firmly in his mind. There are serious repercussions when one does as he did. It isn't a little thing...it's really a very big thing. The relationship is "not" as it was. And, you don't feel as you once did. You don't trust him...right along with other things that have changed. That is the absolute result of his behavior...and it's his to own.
I don't think you are doing anything at all to control him in the least! You have decided that if you are going to be intimate with him, you need boundaries. He's lucky you don't wear a HASMAT suit to bed. At least, that is MY opinion...
Hope you are okay.
Thanks for all your responses.
I think a weakness of mine is that I allow things to return to "normal" too quickly because I LOVE stability, normality and "boring" regular life. For me it's so easy to get right back to the way things used to be (at least on the surface).
I think that this is really huge that you recognize that in yourself.
I am glad that you said at least on the surface, notso, because many spouses use sex too early in their own recovery in order to feel a connection with the addict because of fear of abandonment. I am one of those. I also realize that a healthy sexual relationship is the LAST thing to be healed in this years long process. Your h is pushing your buttons as any therapist would tell you. After years of deception, your h thinks he has earned your trust after a few months? And in many ways you are the one having to again face the lesser of two evils: if I don't have him wear a condom I feel fear which ruins the intimacy and if I do have him wear one at this point I feel guilt and I don't really like it. I think the solution is to develop a belief that you have a right to that boundary at this time and you will know when you feel "safe" for him not to wear one. But it has to be a true belief or conviction for you to find relief from his button pushing. Just my two cents.
HAZMAT SUIT .........LMAO....love it!
Ooooh...Conniption! Ha! Hazmat! My first H did so much stuff...women...men...orgies...who knows what else....a first responder in a Hazmat suit would run for cover! HA! I was a very, very, lucky woman to get out with my life and free of deadly disease! Had I known for sure he was doing those things, I would have run like H. When I found enough evidence to support even the tiniest bit of that iceberg...clearly visible...I did run. I found out the rest later. Good Lord! Hazmat wouldn't be safe!
On the weakness about getting back to the norm...dropping the tension...avoiding the conflict...fixing the problems...petting the monster...I used to do that too. But this time...un-huh! My H hadn't gone that far quite yet...though he was headed there full bor. I "know" where that goes...and I'm not going there! And, I wasn't willing to put myself even in future danger...much less immediate. I put away all those "back to norm" immediate responses, put on a suit of armor...sans the Hazmat...ha...and the war definitely began!
He could only "wish" for normal....HA! Well, he did get "nomal"....what at normal, newly enlightened woman does. OUCH! Definitely "not" user-friendly any more. When I see someone making moves toward causing me harm or injury....when I know that to be true....it's all about protect me...and all out war...no holds barred...no concessions...no negotiations...no pleading to a lessor charge. no retreat...no way! If anyone needed Hazmat...he did...HA! And, he is "ever" "ever" so glad to drop the weapons and get boring...HA!