The addict will find any excuse at all to continue the addiction. Tell him your working to understand yourself and him in hopes that it will bring you closer together. In short you are doing this for the both of you as a couple. Tell him he can hate it and use it as an excuse or he can seek a group or therapist to help him understand his actions and your reactions. You can be working as a team to make the relationship work.

Thanks Joline, those are really helpful comments.

Another response of h's has been: "I obviously can't trust you... if I tell you something I struggle with and then you go and tell a group of strangers about it... then I don't feel safe or trust you... you are telling the most intimate details of my life"

Yeah... I am! But it's my life too... my story too now... and how am I supposed to find any healing here?! He doesn't want me to talk to friends, strangers, relatives... he even has an opinion regarding my therapist and who I see. I am having a bad night I guess... our anxiety is going back up because the next meeting is in two days and we will have to face the issue again of me going... a battle ahead... yuck.

Going to the meeting felt like putting medicated lotion on dry, painful, rashy skin. Didn't smell the best at first but soothing... my skin soaking it up. I saw gladness and healing in the faces of the women who go consistently... hoping for some of that.

I was not sure what you meant about a meeting. Something like this board only face to face support?

Anyhow-my husband gets furious that I am on here-I told him he need not snoop though, I will tell him everything I say here if he is interested. He is not though, so I need to talk to you all. Period.

Em,
this retort is classic manipulation 101. There is nothing more the SA hates more is seeing everyone around them getting strength and happiness, when all they feel is shame and guilt because they lack the strength to quit.
You continue to go to your meetings, because you are worthy too. The weight of the SA within a marriage is a heavy burden. I personally ended up having a stress breakdown, so i really understand the value of seeking help for ourselves.
I regained my self confidence, and became strong again. This strength made me realise i was worthy of so much more in this life. I then told him to either he could either come along for the ride or be left behind.

Take care and always look after number one, because they do!

Yes - face to face meetings as in S-Anon...he's angry about it...and fears of safety/confidentiality. I told him what night of the week the meetings are and he made plans... so forcing me to get babysitting. I pretty much expect he will be doing that each week... not making it easy for me of course. He's mad that I have been on DS too. But with all the events of the past couple months, including the meeting I went to... I suspect that he is a little tiny tiny bit relieved that I am springing into action and getting help that will eventually address serious issues that we have both been facing for a long time. All of you here on DS are inspiring to me in your strength!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

I had this backlash as well. I think it came from a desire to "control" and also to appear "normal" to others. One of my biggest regrets is NOT talking about this to others. I spoke to NO ONE, no friend, no family, for many many years. Since my breakup, I have learned of other behaviours my X was doing. If I had known everything, or if others had, this might have ended quicker, and with less damage.
KEEP going to the meetings, talk to your friends or family. You are trying to cope with HIS problem - if he doesn't like it, he can stop!
I think secrecy is an enabler in this problem.

This is too weird. I am going to my first Sanon meeting today a lunch and I wasn't sur if I should tell him because he still doesn't think he has a problem and gets super defensive. Should I tell him I went?

Nipper615 - I hope your meeting felt healing!

i couldn't decide if i was going to tell h or not... so I gave it a couple days... to let the events sink in on my own. Also, I wasn't sure if I was going to go back or not. Once I decided I was, I figured i would have to account for my time somehow, and what would be the point in lying? I don't think anyone can tell you if you should tell him or not... you have to decide. But I can tell you from my experience last week, it was a big step for me to tell him, but it was an ever bigger step to see his defensiveness and anxiety over being "outed" surface, while remaining (relatively) calm and letting go of my attachment to all that fear. I haven't let go of my attachment to him, but I am letting go of protecting him, being passive, and fearing his fears.

Well... I decided to tell him and HE WAS PISSED. Of course he said, "I can't believe you think I'm that kind of sick!" And of course now I feel guilty and confused. But I'm not going to stop going.

Don't stop! From what I understand, a lot of these guys exist in a state of pretty profound denial about just how aberrant their behaviors really are! I read one story where a guy was cheating on his wife, hiring prostitutes, etc., and when he finally went to an SA meeting, he wlaked out in disgust because he-and I quote-"wasn't one of those sickos". My husband got pissed at me once because I called him on the fact that he was apparently into pictures of close-ups of female genitalia-usually with something getting shoved into it. He was trying to get me to act out something, and I said "Hey, I know that's your MO but I'm not into it." He got upset because I hade made him sound like he didn't have any class. Haha...the facts don't lie...He does, though!

sheez unhappillymarried-my h is the same with that preference-wtf? I cannot understand what makes someone interested in just that without the rest? Weird, plain weird. And then he is ultra offended when I even mention anything-how dare I!

Why tell him you went Nipper? If he asks-yeah. If not, who cares if he knows?

My husband told me he is going to start a support group for men who are NOT SA, but whose wives go to S-Anon. Our husbands can be the first members of this astonishingly insightful group! But seriously, not to let sarcasm get the best of me... Nipper I'm glad you are going to keep going. That is really great to see your determination in what sounds like a very challenging situation. I totally understand feeling confused after telling about the meeting. At times "SA" seems like a weird label that doesn't exactly sit right with me either... but if the shoe fits...once I go down the list, man, we are certainly hitting on every description here!

His own group! It can be called "Denial R Us"...lol

Seriously though, get the help you need, regardless of his problems.

He said, " if you keep going to these, I am probably going to backlash on you and start getting into porn and sex way more than I do now... so think about if you really want that to happen."

This one seems apparent to me. He thinks that you have no power to defend yourself...or that you won't....so he will do whatever he pleases...and you will obey him...or he will punish you. My H never had the gutts to say something that vile to me. But then, that wouldn't be to his best interest and he would have to think about the repercussions of saying such to me. Had he said that to me I think I would have told him not to hesitate...get on with it little boy and go play with yourself in the corner like a good little boy....and keep your grimy little hands to yourself too while you're at it. I'll find what entertains me and you can continue without interruption from me because if that's how you feel...you're welcome to it. And, then I would do just that...do whatever I wanted to do, including going to any meetings that made ME feel better. But then, I've been through this before and no one...no one...is going to talk to me like that and get away with it. He isn't that important for me to lose my self-respect....he isn't...and no one else is either. To thine own self...be TRUE.

He's thrown out every possible manipulation at me... and NONE have hooked me back into enabling. When I got in the car and drove to that first meeting... I knew there was no turning around. It was a powerful force that was taking me there and nothing... NOTHING was going to stop the car. He knows that now, and has backed way off those kinds of comments. i can see through them clearly... and I won't fall back into the fog. It really is a fog of darkness...looking back on it I don't know why it took me so long to break away from it.