and i am sorry if i have caused anyone more pain. i do mean that from the bottom of my heart. i am sooooo soooo sooooo sorry to hear so many hurt like i have and more. but no more for me. i am done

Hi TxSupersmurf. No harm done, you are expressing how you feel. We all have different "end points", I would just like to add -- make sure to continue your own healing process through this sucky business. It is very common for a spouse that has not healed from a relationship with a sex addict to end up right back in relationship with a sex addict! Sick I know, but we have to sort of take a breather, get our values and boundaries, and gut (intuition) put back together. Have you ever looked at recoverynation.com? A great free workshop that you can do, post your lesson's in a forum and have certified addition coaches give free advice. it has really helped me, and you might find it of value. I hope you continue to heal from this terrible pain! Sorry to hyjack your thread EmTHeo, my thoughts are prayers are with you as well!

Hi TX! I am sorry things are hard and you are right, SA hurts a person to their core. I'm glad to see you are still here.

Oh my gosh Girl.....my h does the same thing and will turn the channel or walk out of a room while I am talking to him !! and on his personality test entitlement was the number one thing he had to watch. The psych told him he needs to watch that in his everyday living bc that is his biggest challenge. He has to obey traffic rules, parking spots, lines (he always tries to think of a way he doesn't have to stand in them like the rest of the world) etc...

Em: I'm sorry, I just want to clarify. After vacation your h admitted he has been on a sex blog for 8 months right? He completely relapsed and you thought he was in recovery. If I have it right, that is trauma all over again and for him to tell you what you don't know doesn't hurt you is complete ADDICT talk. It hurts you indirectly by his attitudes and actions or inactions bc he is in active addiction. I frankly understand your wanting to make an unwavering strong point. That is one thing that I said that I personally could not do and that is live through slip/relapse after slip/relapse. It is too painful.

Yeah that's pretty much it cept he never was exactly in recovery. We went to a sa addiction therapist together where he admitted a problem. He never used the word addiction. But since those sessions I felt safe with him and it felt like we had reached a new level of respect for each other in talking through our needs w the therapist. Anyway over the weekend I told him I was ready for divorce and had an appt with attorney. We cried a lot together and cried our pain some more. He talked about it being an addiction for the first time. I talked through my fears for my health and heart. So we're talking now. I feel better than I have in about 6 weeks. Back on solid ground out which I haven't felt for awhile. Don't know what will be coming down the road but don't think divorce is looming in the near future. I am thinking of keeping the appt with the attorney just to talk through what I may need to prepare for if it comes to that again. Does that seemike a bad idea?

Not at all Em. Gathering information is important and I believe it will empower you even further even if you don't pursue divorce. Let your H know that you are doing this because you are keeping the focus where it belongs..on you and your family. If he is willing to face that he has a real addiction, then perhaps he will face recovery head on now, but take one step at a time. Hugs!!!

So glad to hear that Em. Yes, I also think you should explore options and so should I. A therapist suggested I do that to get rid of some of my fear around it bc when you are operating from fear it's not a good place. Knowledge is empowering as wach just said.

Cyn you made me smile cos that re the lines, parking etc etc is just what my H does ... the small rules he will get round if he can and excuse himself although to be fair entitlement is a white man's trait in South Africa ... it makes me incandescent with rage but of course if I 'lose it' then I just seem a little 'crazy'!

At least I can find a little humor in it now. Before I would think who in the hell do you think you are? Everyone has to wait in the grocery line or the DMV line to get your car sticker etc.... I used to do it all for him even if he got a ticket!!! I don't anymore but I give him tips on the best time to go. :)

I find it absolutely incredible that my H keeps forgetting that I no longer wear rose tinted glasses where he's concerned .... in fact to be fair or 'unfair' I guess I have a somewhat cynical attitude towards him now and will often look at him with a 'who are you kidding' look on my face when he's trying to bluster his way through. I particularly hate when he acts coy to other guys and says stuff like ' oh I'll have to ask the boss about that' ... in other words uses me 'the boss' as an excuse not to do something or commit to a social event ... I mean really when was I ever 'the boss'! I'm now MY boss and am probably clearer in my mind about my worth but get very irritated if I'm used as the get out clause ....

Entitlement? Only to excess! HA!

So I kept my appt w the attorney. So glad I did!! I left with a feeling of knowledge and strength. Mixed w sadness that things got to this point. But it was really interesting to learn about how divorce works in our state... Basic things like what is the difference between legal separation and divorce and how parenting might be split up for us. She was very good at going over everything I might need to know in case. I feel good about where I might be financially. That part is stressful but I think I would be okay. Even if I never use any of this info it is good to be educated on it anyway. One thing she said was to keep notes on e nets and conversations w my h. I've been doing that but not as much lately... I know when I do I feel like less of a reactor and more of a director of my future. Taking steps like this helps me see through the manipulative comments too!

Thanks Em. I need to do that too. It was suggested to me last fall by my therapist for empowerment and I just haven't done it. Glad to know you feel better about it and that it was a good action to take.

Em .. that sounds like a very positive meeting ... anything which is giving you a clearer position of your strengths and possibilities will make you feel more secure and able to make clearer decisions when mapping your future. None of the paths that go on from this point are easy ....they are all a roller coaster whether you choose to journey your path of growth with or without an SA partner. When I tried to analyse why I left my first husband (who was not a SA just 'selfish' in the extreme) but stayed with my SA husband it seemed to come back to the kids. My ex hated being a father and wasn't interested in our daughter on any level whereas my current H loves our kids including 'my' daughter and would do anything for them ...despite his SA life he believes in 'us' as a family and is trying hard to turn it around. He often fails miserably despite not acting out anymore ... but he is trying so I must give him credit for that. I therefore continue to 'work' at us and gain so much inspiration from the ladies here ... Wachit, Sheenre, Cynclaire and Wants have always picked me up when my roller coaster has dipped and here I am still riding the bucking bronco 18months on :-))

Very familiar with the roller coaster!! Been on it more or less for 5 years! But today I am in a different space. Not just the attorney but also because my mom knows now and things are just generally more out in the open. I feel less bound by the secrecy of this thing. Don't know what's next but feel like I'm on a different track than the one Ive been riding. Cyn if u are thinking os seeing an attorney I recommend it to see how things might go for you in your situation. We went over splitting up assets and debts. Hope and pray for the best but plan for the worst...

Hi Ladies,
I am only a few months in of learning my H is a SA...I've read many trails here over the last week and this one resonated with me the most...And I am relieved to hear so many other women feeling the same/similar feelings as me..."the web of lies", the anger, the resignation...I do have a question for you (well I have many...we'll see if I stick to just asking one).

How do you know your husbands are sex addicts and not just assholes? sex addicts and not just sociopaths? sex addicts and not just heartless men with no consciences? I feel there is a difference. I believe there is such a thing as a sex addict and in sex addiction but how do you know that your (a universal your) husbands aren't just hiding behind that label to continue having their cake and eating it too? To continue playing with your heart and mind? To just be a liar because they are a liar, versus lying because that is a character trait of an addict?

And for those of you have decided to forgive and go through recovery, how many more years have you been doing this? I mean, isn't addiction a lifetime disease like any other addiction? Where the SA, like any other addict, can only promise "one day at a time". So, if someone like me who is only a few months in to this (but yes in therapy and taking care of myself), are you saying that my future with my H if I decided to forgive is to have "one day at a time" at best?...

One of you replied to me in another topic about the benefit of forgiving to have a transparent marriage...but isn't that what marriage is suppose to be? And if we are now just getting that because we decide to forgive and go through recovery, that means we have to bare more heartache, no? Hearing about the desires for other women, the slips (which happen at least every now and then, right? To very often?)...

I just feel so skeptical of my H (and of many men) who are claiming to be sex addicts...maybe they are just really bad, bad human beings...and skeptical of a future with a H who is (or is claiming to be) a sex addict...

Hope that makes sense...and know the questions are sincere, not to be judgemental in any way.

It's just that as much as I do NOT want a divorce, and want to keep my family in tact (we have 2 daughters who are 3 and 8 mos old), it just feels like divorce is the only option given all the pain and humiliation and lies, etc.

Thank you.