Maybe you realize that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, especially in the face of someone who has a closed heart to you. Please continue to stay strong and you will always have a place to come here for support and friendship! Hugs!!!

Em: What changed?

Hugs!! Praying for you. I am "spliting apart" right now too. H has moved out. I changed the locks and he had the nerve to say that what I did was drastic!! So hurtful!!! His move was drastic!

Em, It has been a long time. So glad you checked in but so sorry you are hurting so. I have felt that way recently as well. Always thought we could get through it but now I have serious doubts. Hang in there.

Thanks all for your support. Sorry to hear some are feeling the same way! My prayers are with u and your families. I just feel so taken for granted. Like my faith that we would pull through was stomped on and then assumed it would always be there. When we got back from vacation he became really panicy and said he had been on a sex blog for 8 mos and now needed to turn it off. He was worried he was going to get caught or something and we got a virus on computer. He asked me not to give up on him and give another chance. Heard that before. Problem is it had nothing to do w us, only his feAr of getting caught. He said "yeah I've been on this sex blog for 8 mos" so casually. He said because i didn't know about it it shouldn't hurt me. If I get angry and share my feelings he makes me feel like I'm intollerant and judgemental. When i feel I've gone the extraaaa mile to be in his court. I have to give annual reviews at my work to coworkers going over what they do well and what they can work on to improve. I just finished them for the yeAr and said I'm glad that's done not my favorite thing to do. He said well u never have a problem reviewing me. Over them wAy more than annually! I really want this split to be about redemption if I understand that word and not judgement. I'm working on hardening my heArt to the addiction not to him. But that's difficult. I'm trying to make Damon meetings and work on myself. Feeling like what I need to do is have a voice more than anything and cut myself out of his web of lies. Feeling like I'm starting to not like men and I want to change teams! I don't want to end up cynical and bitter so need to get out!

Sorry about my auto spell. S anon meetings. Not matt Damon meetings. The thing that is confusing me though is sometimes he tells me I'm right. He has rearranged the furniture so computer is in middle of family room and turned off Internet because he wants to do better. So why would I snap now? I think bc it feels like a facade and underneath it all is fear and lies. He has a smart phone too and had it in bed the other day. He's not growing into a healthy adult. He talks to me in a radio announcer voice that hides him. That's just a strange side note!

I can so relate to much of what you have said. I feel like I have been on a never ending roller coaster with my H and his addiction. It seems like his heart isn't in it and that recovery is not the most important thing to him right now. He says that it is, but does nothing to back it up. I tell him how I am feeling and what his lack of commitment does to me, and he just nods and doesn't respond. Or, I get the 'wounded puppy' look and the same worn out message of 'I'm so sorry, I'm such a jerk, how can you stay with me'. Well, I am seriously starting to think about WHY I am still with him. I feel that I have given him SO much time and a lot of understanding, only to be given nothing in return. I didn't expect miracles to happen right away, but there has been no progress made and he seems very content to stay right where he is. I, however, am not. I am trying so hard to do what is right, and I am so afraid of being incapable of that right now.

Hi meoh. ((big hug)) yeah much sounds similar. Can't believe how many times I've fallen for the wounded puppy. He knows me so well and knows what melts me. Doing what's right... It can be so hard to know whAt that is. But I'm getting better and staying in touch w my gut and higher power to uncover it. I remember a couple who divorced who literally felt poisoned with anger. You could feel jet walking near then. With us everyone is going to be shocked. Even close family thinks we are great I think because we laugh together and enjoy our family together soooo much! But most don't know about the sa behavior.

There are a lot of control issues going on between addict and spouse. The most important thing we can do as spouses is take the focus off of the addict and their addiction and put it back on ourselves. Taking care of ourselves and getting in touch with what would be loving to ourselves is really important. Unfortunately, if that means splitting up, then that's what must be done. Sometimes, the addict sees this as finally hitting rock bottom so a split can be therapeutic for both parties. If divorce seems to drastic, think about a temporary separation to help refocus energy back to yourselves and perhaps give the addict the kick they need to finally realize that not taking recovery seriously means losing what is most important to them. Hugs!

I'm realising that it has taken me the best part of 18 months to actually start doing this in a committed way .... I said I was putting me first .... I said it was all about me .... I said I and my recovery were my focus but it was all talk! I realise that I was so used to putting my H first that year by creeping year it had become ingrained in me to do this ... instinctive! It is such hard work to change this and to perceive the insidious ways in which I get manipulated .... it is also learned behaviour by H as well because of course I would always put his well being first ... isn't that what a good wife and woman does?

This forum has actually helped me to get there ... the fact that we are all at different stages in our journey helps so much with giving insight and not just hindsight. It creates tussles as my H tries to get his way and persuade me to give in on issues of his selfishness ... as you have pointed out before though Sheenre, once those blinkers are off, boy are the off!!!

I don't know what the future holds ... whether he will be in my future or not and he knows this ... it makes him very uneasy ... tough!!

Girl- I was a caretaker most of my life. I learned to do this with my mom, who was very needy and then with friends who were very needy. In fact, I found that they needy gravitated towards me and I to them. Caretaking is a form of control as is addictive behavior like manipulation, placation, etc.
For the last 7 or 8 months I have learned how I was a caretaker and, in essence, an enabler (unknowingly of course). I am now working on what is loving to myself as I realize how much I abandoned myself over the years to be that caretaker. It is not only improving my self esteem because I am being loving to myself, but my H is clearly beginning to be more respectful of me and my children (who are both now grown) are beginning to see that they must also take care of themselves.
Also I am learning to let go of things I really have no control over. It is actually very freeing, even though it is difficult, but it is the better part of my recovery.

Yes, I',m finally getting the picture ... my H's sense of entitlement runs through our relationship and also many of my friends .... I have always kicked against this but never managed to be seen as more than 'a stroppy little cow' as a friends husband once called me ;-) ... from him it could only be a compliment as although not an SA he is certainly a misogynist and treats his wife with utter disdain.

It's the little insidious things ... like today ... H is painting window frames upstairs with the TV on and some sporting event or other ... I'm downstairs in the kitchen ironing with an interesting wildlife programme on .... so ..... he walked in to clean his stuff and changed channels !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, he didn't get away with it but might well have done or received a mild protestation a year ago .... my bad as my kids would say!

Wachit - I tried separating and it didn't go so well for me. I seem to get lost in his assumptions about what separation means to him and why we are doing it and it just feels like chaos. We both love our son so much and can't bear to be away from him so he's home a lot of the time taking him to school and sports. He doesn't take it seriously and neither do I I suppose. In order to make a meaningful split I need to have a piece of paper in my hand. It may turn out to be a legal separation instead of divorce but I need something to get his attention.

First of all Girl, I do understand about the selfish streak that runs through the addict's ingrained behavior. It is not about acting out, but rather about still being disconnected on some level. I see my H struggle with this almost daily because for most of his life no one else expected anything else from him. He has gotten better, but still has a long way to go as he still pulls on me for validation and approval periodically. I never waiver anymore about this as this is a boundary for me and he must learn that validation comes from within and from a connection with God.

Em - I understand what you are saying. If the boundary you need to enforce means putting it in writing, then that is what you must do. We are here for you to support you as we are all here for each other!

Hugs to all!!

why should we get through it? I mean really???? We are here. We are available. We recognize compulsion... lucky us. lucky them OMG how grateful we should all be. I say FUCK THEM. What other excuse does addiction make make for the addict where they can detach and further hurt us. All addictions hurt, but this one is a BITCH. no holds bar. no way. the shit sucks. it sucks hard. it hurts bad. WTF