spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
Firstly, this comes up because our situation with the State and the OW has gotten so out of control, we are digging ourselves into further debt so we don't lose the place we're renting. We're behind on all of our bills, our loans... even our title loan. So I'm waiting for them to come and take our car any day. H makes $1600 a month before taxes. He used to make a lot more than that, and the OW got $1250 a month at first for ONE CHILD. When H filed with the DA for hardships, they lowered it to $832 a month. It was the best they could do, they said.
Now, H makes the $1600 a month gross income. He called the department to tell them he needed the garnishment refigured, and provided them with his pay stubs and our rental lease ($900 a month) to show that he does have housing responsibility to live. They told him they stopped it and that it would take a couple of weeks to get the refiguring done. Immediately afterward, they started garnishing the $832 again! Out of a $1600 (before taxes) paycheck!!! He called them again and they told him the OW had brought in the OLD support order showing he was paying the $832 and that he hadn't been paying! WHAT THE HELL!? It should have showed in their system that it was pending refiguring! That was the first week of December.
The second week of January, H's case worker called him to ask him what he had been trying to get in touch with her for. He had to re-explain everything to her and she told him no one in the department had given her any of his paperwork or anything! So he had to send it all to her again and wait. She called him a week ago and told him that in order for them to refigure it, they had to get in touch with the OW through her phone and house address. Apparently, her phone number they have is no longer her number. So they had to send a letter to the address they had on record and WAIT FOR HER TO RESPOND! (So if she just doesn't feel like responding, we're screwed for even longer.) And if they get no response, they will contact the postal service to confirm it's her address (WHY NOT DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE!?)
Then, yesterday, we got a letter in the mail saying H is now going against the court order (the one she brought in, of course) that he has to supply medical insurance to the OC.
I'd like to know two things:
1. How is it possible to pay for medical insurance when his weekly paychecks for his 42 hour weeks are $139?
2. How can he put the OC on medical insurance when we are all on Medicaid since we are so low income, we can't afford anything else? Helloooo?
I fumed so badly... I went online and started searching the local colleges for their certification courses. We're about to get our income tax return, I will take the courses I need and apply at all the local hospitals and doctor's offices so that I can have a higher-paying job and benefits. And then I will look into daycares for our youngest (which kills me, but I have reached the point of Have-To.)
The lucky part of our state is that it is illegal for them to include my income in any child support figuring. The double-edge of that sword is that the state does not consider whether or not my H has other dependents to care for. They literally told me our son could be dying from cancer and the only way the state would consider that would be if I filed for child support against my husband. =(
So this is it. I have decided to take care of myself and my children. I am tired of watching them suffer because of their father's decisions.
My worry is that H became jealous once I had to start working my little $8 an hour part-time job outside of the home... and I don't know how he's going to feel about all of this. He just wants us to "hold on til we make it through it". But how long is that going to be? What if it happens again? I can't keep my children in this.
Did any of you decide or go through something similar with this?
Now, H makes the $1600 a month gross income. He called the department to tell them he needed the garnishment refigured, and provided them with his pay stubs and our rental lease ($900 a month) to show that he does have housing responsibility to live. They told him they stopped it and that it would take a couple of weeks to get the refiguring done. Immediately afterward, they started garnishing the $832 again! Out of a $1600 (before taxes) paycheck!!! He called them again and they told him the OW had brought in the OLD support order showing he was paying the $832 and that he hadn't been paying! WHAT THE HELL!? It should have showed in their system that it was pending refiguring! That was the first week of December.
The second week of January, H's case worker called him to ask him what he had been trying to get in touch with her for. He had to re-explain everything to her and she told him no one in the department had given her any of his paperwork or anything! So he had to send it all to her again and wait. She called him a week ago and told him that in order for them to refigure it, they had to get in touch with the OW through her phone and house address. Apparently, her phone number they have is no longer her number. So they had to send a letter to the address they had on record and WAIT FOR HER TO RESPOND! (So if she just doesn't feel like responding, we're screwed for even longer.) And if they get no response, they will contact the postal service to confirm it's her address (WHY NOT DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE!?)
Then, yesterday, we got a letter in the mail saying H is now going against the court order (the one she brought in, of course) that he has to supply medical insurance to the OC.
I'd like to know two things:
1. How is it possible to pay for medical insurance when his weekly paychecks for his 42 hour weeks are $139?
2. How can he put the OC on medical insurance when we are all on Medicaid since we are so low income, we can't afford anything else? Helloooo?
I fumed so badly... I went online and started searching the local colleges for their certification courses. We're about to get our income tax return, I will take the courses I need and apply at all the local hospitals and doctor's offices so that I can have a higher-paying job and benefits. And then I will look into daycares for our youngest (which kills me, but I have reached the point of Have-To.)
The lucky part of our state is that it is illegal for them to include my income in any child support figuring. The double-edge of that sword is that the state does not consider whether or not my H has other dependents to care for. They literally told me our son could be dying from cancer and the only way the state would consider that would be if I filed for child support against my husband. =(
So this is it. I have decided to take care of myself and my children. I am tired of watching them suffer because of their father's decisions.
My worry is that H became jealous once I had to start working my little $8 an hour part-time job outside of the home... and I don't know how he's going to feel about all of this. He just wants us to "hold on til we make it through it". But how long is that going to be? What if it happens again? I can't keep my children in this.
Did any of you decide or go through something similar with this?
The bottom line is, the court systems don't care about the circumstances, the OC and OW are more important then anything else in the laws eyes. Unless we take control of the situation, which usually means separating or divorcing to claim our share of the finances, the OW will walk away with 20% (in my state) of my husbands net income, plus daycare cost and insurance for the OC. She is being rewarded for doing the same thing my husband did. Cheating and getting involved in an affair. These OW know it's wrong, they just don't care. It's all about them.
With the old child support payments, we got behind 7 months on our mortgage. We were in pre-foreclosure. My aunt and uncle helped us out. Thank goodness otherwise we would have lost our home.
I guess if you sleep with a married man and get pregnant, you get rewarded legally by the state for doing something that is morally wrong.
My heart breaks for you and your family. Just know you're not alone in this nightmare. I personally can't wait until this dark cloud that hangs over my family is gone. Sending prayers for a quick end to this child support nightmare. ((hugs))
jewel0472 - In our state, it is illegal to take more than 30% of any man's paycheck for one child, UNLESS you are claiming childcare costs. In our case, she can no longer claim that because the OC is in pre-school now. So even if H was still making his old pay, it still should have been lowered. The old order she turned in also included the child care costs, so she is also outright committing fraud and we told them so.
H and I are still discussing whether or not I should file, because our bank account is actually in my name. Our bills are also in my name. The only thing with his name on it is our rental agreement, which can be argued that he WAS living here when we first moved in. But a lot of his mail and all is still going to his parents' house, and that is, in fact, where he would have to live if we separated.
I agree with you when you say they are being rewarded for what they have done. That's all I see, among all of my friends paying and receiving Child Support, and ourselves with our situation. The system needs to make it fair. I'm not saying don't award them anything- but if they're filing for CHILD support, I think there need to be regulations and requirements. I'm at least glad that it's illegal for them to include MY income.
When I need to smile, I remind myself that if we ever win the lottery, if I turn in the ticket under MY name as MY winnings, they can't touch any of it. =) Happy thoughts! lol.
"I guess if you sleep with a married man and get pregnant, you get rewarded legally by the state for doing something that is morally wrong."
You know... you'd think that by us signing papers that are allegedly "legally binding" when we get married, that that would get them (and H, I suppose) in more than just moral trouble. My big issue when it all came out was when someone from the state told me they couldn't help me unless I divorced H myself. It broke my heart because... everyone is all about being "legally married', but once someone sleeps with your husband, you don't even exist, and suddenly being "legally married" means nothing, eh?
H is trying to be supportive, but you can tell every time I bring it up that it's bothering him. Whether it's bothering him that I'm becoming independent and somehow "leaving him behind" or that it's gotten to the point where his wife has to step up to take care of his home and children, I'm not sure.
I'm ready to do this.
Good luck!!
people making dumb decisions that affect other people negatively. OW are like STDs--you can't wash them off, they cause constant pain and irritation and never go away! Don't let the disease H has caught ruin you and the kids life.