Hi,
Thank you for sharing your story. I imagine it's hard once the OC reaches teen or adult years. That's the part that I dread. My kids are 11 and 14, and the OC is 12. My H has no contact, but I dread the day we have to tell our kids and worst when the OC reaches out to them.

I'm not quite sure how to handle, but maybe your husband can reach out to him. It's unfair that the kids are being affected and harassed. I told my H that in the event the OC reaches out to us (me or my kids), he would need to intervene and handle the situation. It's his mess not mine.

Also, how and when did you and H tell your kids about the OC? I think our time is coming soon.

Hi

Thankyou for your reply,

when our eldest was about 13, another child told him of the OC existence (how nice of them to do that),

It was then that I decided that my H needed to sit our children down and tell them directly of the OC, having said that though, I became very angry and stated to them "you all will never have anything to do with him and he will never be welcome into this house", I guess out of loyalty to me our children said they weren't interested in getting to know him and wouldn't have contact with him.

The OC is now 19 and has initiated contact himself, but has been rejected by my children who have stood by our first initial discussion about him and have said they don't want any type of contact from him.

the OC has other siblings as his mother did have other children, and I don't understand why he doesn't just focus on them...instead of us....I don't know why he would want to contact people...who has never given him the time or done anything for him

I agree this is H problem and he should reach out to him...without involving the rest of us

I guess there are still raw feelings with this whole situation even after 20 years since the affair

My situation is different because the 7 years i didn't know about the oc my husband played a role in his life.

When I discovered the oc I had a different choices to deal with. I wasn't going toask my H to choose between me and oc. I had to choose to work on my marriage with the oc as a factor or walk away.

I also gave my kids the choiceof when to meet oc and to what level they wanted to know him. All of this took place while hubby and I lived separately. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with any of this had I known from day 1.

I think those who chose nc are similar to parents giving a child up for adoption. Only instead of regret and sadness over bit having that child in your lives there is fear and resentment if he is.

Have you given your adult children the open door to consider knowing the oc? Its a complicated situation and I can only say how things worked out with the way my family did things.

The oc is a regular part of our lives now but there are still occasional issues but for us this worked.

I guess having your husband communicate with oc that the family is not ready to get to know him is one option.

I haven't written anything here in ages. Not much has changed. The OC turned 1 recently. I have still not met her. Our teen has. The twenty-something doesn't seem to have any interest and gets angry at the mention of the whore.

I knew about the OC from about 3 weeks into the pregnancy. I am pretty sure the whore was trying ;to get pregnant. She told my H about the pregnancy about the first day she would have tested positive, so this is why I am pretty sure she was trying. My preference would have been no contact, but our situation is a little out of the ordinary-long story. As it is, I've told H I'd rather fit OC into our lives kind of like a step child, but the whore won't have anything to do with that. It's a blessing is some ways and a curse in others.

I agree with Pink about giving your kids permission to get to know OC IF they want to. Otherwise, since you have had no contact for this long and the OC is now being a problem on social media, can't you all just block him? He should realize that your H was a sperm donor who did not plan to add a child to his family via that child's mother. It's unfortunate for the child, but the one to blame is the whore. I'm all for women's rights, but we truly do have more control over baby-making than the men do.

Good luck dealing with this. Hopefully, the age of the child means that you won't have to worry about it or deal with it too much longer.

My adult children 24 & 21 want nothing to do with the OC. Shame, disgrace, anger, jealousy for stealing their daddy's attention away from them and changing their momma into a different person.

Growing up as the oc and being told by my mother about my bio dads family and children made me feel the need to reach out to them. I didn't have any other siblings and it felt great when I had the chance to have somewhat of a relationship with one of the three kids. Feeling like a mistake from birth is a very difficult thing to deal with. As a teenager I went through a deep depression related to feeling like an incarnation of shame and regret. All of you ladies are dealing with one end of the victim spectrum in relation to infidelity. The oc is the other victim of the crime. Sometimes they just want to come out and not be someone's figurative skeleton in the closet.

I do worry about the oc. We do incorporate him into our family but there are limits for me. Not many limits but some. I do the most I can handle and sometimes more for the sake of the oc and my kids to know him.

I think my youngest has a great relationship with him and that makes it easier to have him around. He shares my son's interests and friends while he's here so there is very little I need to do.

If they didn't get along do well or weren't the same age, maybe it wouldn't be an every weekend thing. I know that no matter what I do to make him feel a part of our family, he will always desire more and always have a sense of being a "5th wheel".

I cannot help the manner in which he came to be or what they represents for me and my family at times but I can do the best I can to decease his being in the outside.

There is no easy answer. His mother lied to him for years and created a false reality for him. She wanted to make it seem different thanit was and told him she had no idea his dad was married with a family. Told him that theywere together until he was 2 and that my husband lived there.

Meanwhile I am telling my kids the truth. Yes there father screwed up and badly but I needed to be honest when they asked me questions. No he never lived anywhere but home. Yes she knewof me, I spoke with her before a child was created, they broke up when she got pregnant.

When these conflicting stories pop up it triggers my hurt because my kids then put me in a position to talk about it and then my husband needs to intervene with oc.

I'm rambling, sorry. I guess I'm half responding to the post and half to the oc who responded.

Btw to thebastard, are you the same girl who used to post here? If so it sounds like there has been some improvement in your connection with birth dads family.

Our situation is a delicate one, as H was not a willing participant and we went through the motions of threatening charges against the Whore. We got her friends charged for the drigging because they admitted to doing it, but then the state turned around and said because the drugs were out of H's system by the time they could test, they couldn't do anything to her. Especially since she kept changing her story.

Anyway, because of the circumstances, H wanted NC from the get-go. And he now lives in more fear than I do that the OC will try to contact our three children one day. I told him I don't know that he would, as the OW actually had no idea that H had children, just a wife. We have no mutual friends or acquaintances with her. She doesn't know any of our contact information. Nothing. Everything is handled through the state.

I do lay awake some nights and wonder what would happen. What my children would do. They don't know the situation, as they are all 10 and under. H's fear is that the child will do what the OP here says her OC is doing. He says he knows it isn't the child's fault, but that he doesn't want to ever have to explain to the child what happened and why he wanted NC whatsoever, because every mention of it sends him into weeks of reliving what he went through afterward.

I would suggest that if there comesa time you allow any social media, you manage their accounts. Don't allow them to use their real names and set them on total privacy. I would also do the same for any accounts you or hubby have.