spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
They still have not adjusted the payments they garnish for OW from H's pay. H makes $1600 a month. They initially stopped her pay to do the readjustment, and she got mad and took her old order for the last amount ($800) in for them to begin garnishing again. I don't understand why they don't have it in their system " HEY! This person's payments are being refigured." It would make more sense.
Anyway, it's been months. This first happened at the end of November. We have been waiting and waiting. H's caseworker called him to tell him that they were having difficulty getting in touch with the OW, because the number they had for her was no good. They were sending her a letter in the mail requesting that she contact them... and then waited. Nothing. They confirmed with the post office that it is her address. It is.
(Unfortunately, due to the circumstances of how this OW came to be pregnant- and because we tried to press charges against her for it- she requested that her address and phone number and such remain anonymous to us and that all contact be made through her attorney or the state, so we were no help.)
So we wait. And wait. They sent more letters. They have gone unanswered.
H left his phone home today by accident- we had an emergency with our oldest before he had to leave for work and it got left behind in the craziness- and his caseworker called. She told me that they have still been unable to get in touch with her, and that unfortunately, according to our stupid state laws, they are not allowed to proceed with any changes to the support obligation WITHOUT her knowledge. Oh, please. She knows. But they have to have a response from her to do so. I don't understand this. It would make more sense if you STOPPED the support payments if they don't respond in order to force them to come out of the woodwork, wouldn't you think?
Anyway, I said "Have you tried contacting her at work?" The caseworker said "We don't have any work information for her. We just have her home address and the college she attends." I said "She never gave you her work information or...?" and the caseworker said "No, our records indicate that she has no employment."
SERIOUSLY? It's all over her freaking social media websites where she works! So I go "stalk" them real quick, screenshot everything, and give the place's information to the caseworker for her to send someone there. Then, while looking through the OW's pages, I find out that she actually has a SECOND side job! So I screenshot that. Then, in random comments between she and her friends, I find out at her second job, she gets items 50% off, so she has been taking them and SELLING THEM HERSELF for more than their cost. Extra income? Screenshot.
I can't believe this girl is stupid enough to leave her pages public. This is also how I was able to find out that she was leaving the OC in the care of her mother (a pastor) and still claiming childcare costs to the state so we would pay more. I'm screenshotting anything I can! I'm so angry!
Also kind of sad, though, that we live in the age of social media and the state still couldn't find out where this girl is.
Anyway, it's been months. This first happened at the end of November. We have been waiting and waiting. H's caseworker called him to tell him that they were having difficulty getting in touch with the OW, because the number they had for her was no good. They were sending her a letter in the mail requesting that she contact them... and then waited. Nothing. They confirmed with the post office that it is her address. It is.
(Unfortunately, due to the circumstances of how this OW came to be pregnant- and because we tried to press charges against her for it- she requested that her address and phone number and such remain anonymous to us and that all contact be made through her attorney or the state, so we were no help.)
So we wait. And wait. They sent more letters. They have gone unanswered.
H left his phone home today by accident- we had an emergency with our oldest before he had to leave for work and it got left behind in the craziness- and his caseworker called. She told me that they have still been unable to get in touch with her, and that unfortunately, according to our stupid state laws, they are not allowed to proceed with any changes to the support obligation WITHOUT her knowledge. Oh, please. She knows. But they have to have a response from her to do so. I don't understand this. It would make more sense if you STOPPED the support payments if they don't respond in order to force them to come out of the woodwork, wouldn't you think?
Anyway, I said "Have you tried contacting her at work?" The caseworker said "We don't have any work information for her. We just have her home address and the college she attends." I said "She never gave you her work information or...?" and the caseworker said "No, our records indicate that she has no employment."
SERIOUSLY? It's all over her freaking social media websites where she works! So I go "stalk" them real quick, screenshot everything, and give the place's information to the caseworker for her to send someone there. Then, while looking through the OW's pages, I find out that she actually has a SECOND side job! So I screenshot that. Then, in random comments between she and her friends, I find out at her second job, she gets items 50% off, so she has been taking them and SELLING THEM HERSELF for more than their cost. Extra income? Screenshot.
I can't believe this girl is stupid enough to leave her pages public. This is also how I was able to find out that she was leaving the OC in the care of her mother (a pastor) and still claiming childcare costs to the state so we would pay more. I'm screenshotting anything I can! I'm so angry!
Also kind of sad, though, that we live in the age of social media and the state still couldn't find out where this girl is.
If it's not too personal, what did she do that you nearly pressed charges for regarding the way she got pregnant? I wouldn't be surprised if our OW did the basketball fan trick of sucking the guy off then inseminating herself from the specimen she collected orally. She REALLY thought my SO would dump me and our kids for her and this new possible kid..... She's manipulative, but not terribly intelligent.
Basically, from there, she was confronted. She denied everything, but when they brought in the three Marines, they admitted to doing the drugging and they pointed out the four (including my H) who they had gone after, because they were sailors. So then she changed her story to claim they had drugged her too. But then she was in trouble for being under age. So she changed her story again... and again... In the meantime, we started talking to legal about pressing charges on her for rape. And then we found out that the drug was out of my H's system by the time we had gone in. We tried to move forward with the Marines' statements that they had done the drugging and that they had identified my H as one of the victims, but they said that would only be He-Said, She-Said as far as the OW went. There were other details, but basically we found out we likely wouldn't win anything against her.
When she found out my H was married (the other three were not married), and she probably found out we were trying to pursue rape charges by that point, I'm sure... she panicked again and said H wasn't one of the men she had sex with. She stuck to that story. So we let it go and tried to move on from that.
After it happened, ALL of the sailors were moved to the other base nearby, and my husband was forced to work there instead even though we lived on the other one. That was her father's doing.
Fast forward about 2.5 years, she tracked us down and showed up at H's new command demanding child support because her parents kicked her out. She had gotten pregnant and the other three guys were not the fathers. H's test came back positive. And she showed up RIGHT BEFORE H DEPLOYED (on purpose, we later found, because she took ALL OF HIS DEPLOYMENT PAY. Her attorney was saying "We don't want to get into legal matters because we want you to still deploy." I thought that was fishy. But we found out why when they started taking the money.)
H had a nervous breakdown over finding out that she had gotten pregnant, but also over finding out that he had- in fact- been taken advantage of that night while drugged. I guess we just wanted to believe her when she said he hadn't been one of the ones so that we could put it away. He had to be medicated, put into therapy... but they still forced him to deploy. So he spent a lot of that time in the Middle East losing his grip.
She made it to where we have NC. H was relieved about that.
I was so ready to go down there and rip the OW's weave out. She doesn't even know me. I don't know that she has ever seen me (unless she has snooped my stuff. They kept us all separated after H reported the incident, so she has never seen me that I know of), so I daydream about walking in there and hitting her with one of the giant baking sheets she's serving up treats on.
The CS laws in your state sound messed up, especially that one about not making changes to support orders if they can't contact the mother. I know it sounds daunting, but have you talked to your state legislators? State statutes can change pretty quickly if you get your state representative and state senator on board. It might take a couple of years, but it's an obvious flaw if someone can duck the system so easily. Some laws involve only having to send certified mail to the last know address and it's up to the recipient to keep people notified. If OC is young, it could be worth your while to try to change this.
Also, since your H was in the military when this happened and had a breakdown while deployed, has he contacted the VA? He may be eligible for compensation for PTSD.
Good job on getting all the info you got from her fb page, etc. I hope it helps your case soon.
I understanding wanting to lash out at the ho. I dream about it but that's where it stops, despite the fact that she's told my SO and his mom that I've confronted her and her first disabled child, etc. She's claimed to have gone to the police about me, but I haven't heard anything. I would love to confront her but don't want to give fuel to her fire, beside the fact that I'm super non-confrontational.
I have considered writing the legistlators, but haven't figured how to go about doing it!
Regarding writing to your legislators, it's easy. Just google to find out who they are. You should have a state representative and a state senator. These are not the same folks who go to Washington and are representatives in Congress. They're the ones who meet at your state capital and tinker with your particular state's legislation. If you send off a few letters and they don't respond, call them. You may wish to call first actually. You could end up with an aid who answers their phones who can help you get info. I think a lot of citizens think this will be more of a hassle than it is, but it could help. Good luck!
I haven't asked him yet if he wants me to go with him or not. I know the judges have a tendency to treat spouses like they are in the way when they go... :(
I understand spouses being seen as in the way or antagonistic under normal circumstances. A new spouse has no business interfering in a CS hearing when it involves kids who were in the pic before she was. Your case is totally different. It might help if the judge sees the couple that OW showed NO regard for when she created that OC with a married man. It's not like OC was in the pic before you were. Hopefully she will be shamed in court.