spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
Hello! I found this board yesterday after reading many many other boards on the OW/OC situation. All the previous boards I've been reading haven't been active and I just read the old post. I am excited to find an active board...I could use support! Here's my story...
Husband and I met in college almost 10 years ago. He's the typical bad boy and I feel head over heels in love from day 1. There was this girl who came in the same year as me (he was already 2 years ahead) and by the end of 1st semester she already had a bad reputation for going after other's boyfriends. She had slept with almost all my friends boyfriends and there were rumors she'd slept with mine. I confronted them both...she said "ask your man"...he kept denying it all saying they were only friends and he wouldn't touch her cause of how nasty he knew she was. She would taunt me through instant messages, leaving up subliminal messages towards me and my boyfriend and how she wanted him (even saying "wish you were single"). I paid her little attention because I was always with him anyways. Years go by and we both graduate...move to our home...get jobs...have our son. Our life was far from college anymore and I hadn't seen/heard anything about this girl in years.
Although through the years my husband (still boyfriend at this time) was becoming more distant and distant and we started living separate lives. I know he was cheating, but not to what extent. I also ended up having a 1 weekend fling to try to get over the pain from what he was doing. My fling was what woke us both up. At that moment we both wondered what are we doing to each other. We stopped all communication with others, focused solely on our relationship, got our love back and we finally got married (after 8 years together and having a then 3 yo son).
Everything was going great until about a month into our marriage my husband calls me at work saying please sit down I have something to tell you. He tells me he just got an email that he may have a child. Ok....I know he cheated but DAMN!...then the next question I ask is...who is she. He didn't want to tell me. It was the girl from college! Over the years whenever she was in between lays, she'd call him up for sex. She claimed she never wanted to be with him (although he told me she was always jealous of me, and would ask if he'd ever leave me for her. he would tell her no and that she wouldn't want to be with him anyways because he'd cheat on her...can you believe she agreed that she couldn't take him cheating on her but she had no problem cheating with him!). Their last encounter was Jul 2012, after they had sex the last time he told her he couldn't do it anymore. (this was around the time I met the person I cheated with, when we were both coming to the realization of what are we doing). He told her that was it for sleeping together but continued to call her asking her advice on how to get me back (when she confirmed this she sounded annoyed). This whole time she was pregnant but didn't say anything. He stopped contacting her and around December (5 months preg) she called him to say she had something she needed to tell him in person. So he went to her house (all this is still not known to me) and she turns around pregnant. Obviously he was pissed...but even more pissed when she starts to tell him that she doesn't know if it's his or someone else she was sleeping with (who also had a family at home). He leaves and tells her he wants nothing to do with this, that he's disgusted that she'd wait until past the point an abortion is possible to even say anything, he's disgusted that she doesn't even know who the father is, etc. He leaves and doesn't hear from her again until May 2013 (D-Day).
She sent an email saying she had the baby in April and tested the other man she hoped to be the father, but he wasn't. So the kid is my husbands. He was devastated. That night he even tried to kill himself. It was awful. She told him she didn't expect him to be involved but just wanted to give him the chance and let him know the kid is his and asked if he could call her because she thought they were friends and he would have helped her if she needed it and she just wanted to talk about it all. He told her he had nothing to say that he told from day 1 that she was doing this alone and he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. So she filed for child support because she was mad. We went through the DNA test and now pay child support. She showed up in court alone, without papers filled out and was pissed when she found out that he could ask for custody since she was going for support.
We did not ask for custody. We have decided NC and hope she finds someone to adopt her daughter one day. With the history...her lies...her shadiness and everything else there is absolutely no way C can happen and be normal for any of us (including OC). I find myself being fine with the situation when I'm at home with my husband, but as soon as I get to work I obsess over it and read anything I can on the subject.
I can't believe she'd let herself get pregnant....it just kills me. She blamed my husband saying he lied about having vasectomy (but he just told her he was thinking about getting one, not that he got one), and even if he did lie what was her excuse for alleged father #1 then? Every time I think about her she makes me so mad. I know (from him and her) my husband never gave here false promises. He was upfront the whole time that she was a piece of a$$ and nothing more, and she always said she was ok with that, that she didn't want to deal with what I deal with anyways. I've since learned she can't even go back to her hometown because in high school she had bad rep for being OW too...and alleged father # 1 was from her home town so this made her look even worse when he turned out not to be the father.
Our marriage and love is stronger than ever (the end of this month we'll have been married a year). I just can't seem to let go of the anger that there is a child out there that is my husbands and it's with her. If with anyone else this situation would be different and eventually C might be possible. But absolutely not under these circumstances and with this whore (excuse my language).
Why would she even want that for her daughter? she still lives the college life with roommates even with the baby. I think she really hoped that the baby was the other guys and he might leave his family for her. I hope she's living in hell everyday for her decision to keep this child and ruin so many lives.
Husband and I met in college almost 10 years ago. He's the typical bad boy and I feel head over heels in love from day 1. There was this girl who came in the same year as me (he was already 2 years ahead) and by the end of 1st semester she already had a bad reputation for going after other's boyfriends. She had slept with almost all my friends boyfriends and there were rumors she'd slept with mine. I confronted them both...she said "ask your man"...he kept denying it all saying they were only friends and he wouldn't touch her cause of how nasty he knew she was. She would taunt me through instant messages, leaving up subliminal messages towards me and my boyfriend and how she wanted him (even saying "wish you were single"). I paid her little attention because I was always with him anyways. Years go by and we both graduate...move to our home...get jobs...have our son. Our life was far from college anymore and I hadn't seen/heard anything about this girl in years.
Although through the years my husband (still boyfriend at this time) was becoming more distant and distant and we started living separate lives. I know he was cheating, but not to what extent. I also ended up having a 1 weekend fling to try to get over the pain from what he was doing. My fling was what woke us both up. At that moment we both wondered what are we doing to each other. We stopped all communication with others, focused solely on our relationship, got our love back and we finally got married (after 8 years together and having a then 3 yo son).
Everything was going great until about a month into our marriage my husband calls me at work saying please sit down I have something to tell you. He tells me he just got an email that he may have a child. Ok....I know he cheated but DAMN!...then the next question I ask is...who is she. He didn't want to tell me. It was the girl from college! Over the years whenever she was in between lays, she'd call him up for sex. She claimed she never wanted to be with him (although he told me she was always jealous of me, and would ask if he'd ever leave me for her. he would tell her no and that she wouldn't want to be with him anyways because he'd cheat on her...can you believe she agreed that she couldn't take him cheating on her but she had no problem cheating with him!). Their last encounter was Jul 2012, after they had sex the last time he told her he couldn't do it anymore. (this was around the time I met the person I cheated with, when we were both coming to the realization of what are we doing). He told her that was it for sleeping together but continued to call her asking her advice on how to get me back (when she confirmed this she sounded annoyed). This whole time she was pregnant but didn't say anything. He stopped contacting her and around December (5 months preg) she called him to say she had something she needed to tell him in person. So he went to her house (all this is still not known to me) and she turns around pregnant. Obviously he was pissed...but even more pissed when she starts to tell him that she doesn't know if it's his or someone else she was sleeping with (who also had a family at home). He leaves and tells her he wants nothing to do with this, that he's disgusted that she'd wait until past the point an abortion is possible to even say anything, he's disgusted that she doesn't even know who the father is, etc. He leaves and doesn't hear from her again until May 2013 (D-Day).
She sent an email saying she had the baby in April and tested the other man she hoped to be the father, but he wasn't. So the kid is my husbands. He was devastated. That night he even tried to kill himself. It was awful. She told him she didn't expect him to be involved but just wanted to give him the chance and let him know the kid is his and asked if he could call her because she thought they were friends and he would have helped her if she needed it and she just wanted to talk about it all. He told her he had nothing to say that he told from day 1 that she was doing this alone and he wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. So she filed for child support because she was mad. We went through the DNA test and now pay child support. She showed up in court alone, without papers filled out and was pissed when she found out that he could ask for custody since she was going for support.
We did not ask for custody. We have decided NC and hope she finds someone to adopt her daughter one day. With the history...her lies...her shadiness and everything else there is absolutely no way C can happen and be normal for any of us (including OC). I find myself being fine with the situation when I'm at home with my husband, but as soon as I get to work I obsess over it and read anything I can on the subject.
I can't believe she'd let herself get pregnant....it just kills me. She blamed my husband saying he lied about having vasectomy (but he just told her he was thinking about getting one, not that he got one), and even if he did lie what was her excuse for alleged father #1 then? Every time I think about her she makes me so mad. I know (from him and her) my husband never gave here false promises. He was upfront the whole time that she was a piece of a$$ and nothing more, and she always said she was ok with that, that she didn't want to deal with what I deal with anyways. I've since learned she can't even go back to her hometown because in high school she had bad rep for being OW too...and alleged father # 1 was from her home town so this made her look even worse when he turned out not to be the father.
Our marriage and love is stronger than ever (the end of this month we'll have been married a year). I just can't seem to let go of the anger that there is a child out there that is my husbands and it's with her. If with anyone else this situation would be different and eventually C might be possible. But absolutely not under these circumstances and with this whore (excuse my language).
Why would she even want that for her daughter? she still lives the college life with roommates even with the baby. I think she really hoped that the baby was the other guys and he might leave his family for her. I hope she's living in hell everyday for her decision to keep this child and ruin so many lives.
I don't know why these OW hope to have children with unavailable men. They are delusional. This girl emailed my H the other day asking would he babysit...we haven't even seen the baby or got a DNA test...she's crazy. Like you and your H we, H decided NC based on the fact that she is just too crazy to deal with. Some days I want to go to the store and buy a bunch of baby clothes and pampers and send them to her, other days (don't judge me) I hope they disappear and I don't care how the disappearance happens if you know what I mean. I don't believe the OC is innocent, because of the sins of her parents... I don't wish punishment on her, but I have 2.5 children on my own that were created by two consenting people...no manipulation.
I'm glad that you all are strong in your marriage...I hope that one day I can get there or at least be single and at peace. Sorry I know I talked a lot about myself...my situation is new baby was born last week...I really don't have any advice cause I don't know what to do myself...
I just don't understand the logic with these OW. Ours leaves us alone for the most part, but I always wonder how long that will last. OC will be 1 next month. In court OW looked so pathetic. She was crying when she found out how little she was getting because the court actually took my son into account in the calculations (I think the lady sympathized with my husband and i thank god!) and they didn't make my husband pay for insurance. That was the only small victory i've had so far.
It gets a little easier to deal with as time goes on...but never leaves your head. I'm also supposed to be working but spend most of my day reading up on this stuff. I just obsess about with OW might be thinking and hope she's living in hell. It makes me made when she posts FB pretending to be happy, but then I see other men commenting on pictures of her daughter calling the daughter theirs and stuff. So she's obviously sleeping around again looking for her next victim.